Thursday, May 28, 2009

T minus 18 seconds.

The countdown has begun. In just a little moment, I will have a new job, in the same office, doing more work. In just a little month, I will have a new apartment, in the same city, in walking distance to my office. In just a little week, I will see my best friend, and her husband, on this crazy busy weekend.

I hate change. But I love Julie.
I need change. But I really don't have time for it.
I will change. Because I can't stay where I am.
I love change. But only because I know it will be easier in the long run.

Self-care days 3-8?

Day 3: I don't remember...

Day 4: Drinks. Huzpaz.

Day 5: Cancel Date. Relax instead.

Day 6: Long morning for getting ready slowly. Watch sisterhood of the travelling pants deux. Petty indulgence.

Day 7: Jennifer, Brian, Joel, Ace, Benji, Jessica, Kelly, Brad. Margarita. Rose.

Day 8: (this is today) look at a new apartment, so I don't hate where I live anymore.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I am exasperated. Listen to my story:

I have a strong tendency to fall in love with (or rather, attach myself to the idea of) a given man for years at a time. I can measure much of my life by the men I invested in.
Ages 0-12 Peter and Benji (brothers)
Ages 12-16 Adam
Ages 16-18 Travis
Ages 19-22 Andrew
Ages 23-Present JDBman

Granted intermingled in these men, where little crushes, little ideas, little moments, but these men are the overarching themes of my life. It makes it incredibly difficult to date. For example, I am currently dating profusely. Too much, if you ask me. But I have a goal to accomplish: Learn more about dating and men and how I feel about different types of relationships. Marriage has not fallen into my lap. I'm not yet ready to commit to celibacy (though I get nearer that point the further I go into dating). However, the more I date the more I see that the man of my current obsession is the only one for me. I can give you valid and important reasons why each of the past men could not be for me.
Peter and Benji: They are my brothers people. That is just gross. :)
Adam: Oh teen-love. This never would have worked.
Travis: As good of a man as he is, he is a normal beyond normalcy.
Andrew: Read all previous blogs.
JDBman: He is in love with another woman.

However, I cannot convince myself at this moment that there is a man better for me than JDBman. This is utterly ridiculous. I know that. I date other men. I have fun with other men. I crush on other men. At the end of the day, he is the only man I currently dream about (beside the faceless one...) This means that I wake up most days utterly in love with a man I know is not right for me, whom I cannot have. This is exasperating. How do I stop being a woman who idealizes specific men?

PS. Day Two Self Care: boldness and honesty to tell a sweet boy that I was not interested. This is selfcare because now I do not have to practice avoidance.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Dating, Self-care, and dating self-care

This weekend I learned. Admittedly, it was not the kind of learning where you walk out of the classroom having learned certain equations that will always give you the right answer. It was the kind where you leave thinking it is very possible that you are less certain than ever before, because of the multitude of possibilities presented to you.

I canceled a date on Friday night. I apologized profusely, but I was just not feeling well (never drink AMP energy drink on an empty stomach). He was so angry and hasn't responded to me since. I am not too upset, but I think it's sad that he is so burned by life that he's not willing to believe that I really was unwell. This spawned a train of thought. Saturday night I went on a second/third date (second day of dates, third actual date), and then today I went on a third/fourth date with the same guy. I think I like him. When I am with him, I really like him. He's a real person and I love that. However, when I get away from him all of these worries about his expectations set in and I get all nervous...

This is where the lessons set it. I figured out these things:
1. I can be in charge of a situation. I can say no because I am not obligated to yes.
2. I am obligated (not only to myself, but also to whatever guy) to say what I need to say (yes or no) because being the most myself now is the most of the way to be honest now and later.
3. It's no big deal if I don't meet his expectations (because I don't really know this person).
4. I don't know if this is forever. and that's okay.

I have to take time to know who I am, and where I am okay, and who he is and where he is okay. This, more than ever before, is the time when I absolutely must take care of myself. It's not yet time for me to take care of him. Right now he is still responsible for taking care of him. I love how very true that is.

Today is day one of Candace's self-care project. Today's self care for me was painting my fingers while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.

P.S. Posting while trying to watch T.V. is a pain. Mostly because there is this commercial out right now for some stupid horror movie that keeps giving me nightmares, so every time is comes on I have to jump to change the channel. Grrr....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Scotland Burning

I dreamt last night that I was passionately in love with a faceless man. I woke up this morning and could not decide who he was.

I dreamt last night that I worked for the Pope. All day I have been deeply considering an administrative or directorial role in the Catholic Church. Some how that kind of ministry seems so right. Like working for Mark Carter only times 1 million.

Dreams often haunt my reality. This is partially why I watch movies in the morning, to avoid feeling all day the remnants and shadows of those powerful emotions that rack my soul through the night. I am amazed at my capacity to feel while sleeping, when all inhibitions are gone and there is no one to see my embarrassment. I love that. I want to live that.

Today I found out that my favorite coworker is "no longer with the company". My boss told me not to show so many of my emotions about the "transition" on my face and in my voice. I wanted to tell her punch herself in the face. (Really my brain had a much more forceful and explicit response to her suggestions, but I have been decidedly diligent about keeping this blog "family friendly"). I relayed to her that she has seen me through four "transitions" (transition means a coworker leaves the company and I am required to take over their job duties) in my 1.5 years with this company, and she knows that this is what I am like in times of change. I take my time adjusting, especially when I don't know what I am walking into. Her response? "You'll be fine."

Of course I will be fine. I excel at fine. However, I will not be untrue to myself by pretending I am not concerned. I understand that she is concerned about keeping a healthy office environment, as a full uprising in such a time of change would be no good for anyone. I can do my job, be professional, and excel at fine, and still be upset.

I choose to be upset. I choose to respond appropriately to the burning of Scotland, by screaming FIRE FIRE FIRE! and not watch my loved ones burn with a look of calm professionalism on my face.

Monday, May 18, 2009

too many...

I went on three dates in a 24 hour period. 3. I find this simultaneously hilarious and exhausting. And stupid.

I will never do this again for these reasons:
1. I can feel myself ceasing to treat these people as humans.
2. I am becoming more and more checklisty and objective with them, rather than interactive and subjective.
3. I feel like an empty shell with no soul.
4. and a prostitute.

Is this really supposed to be this difficult? Maybe I waited to long to date again, and now I have unrealistic expectations and a calloused heart. Or maybe one date isn't enough to tell. Or maybe (and this is mostly likely the case) I seriously don't know what the hell I'm doing because I have only been in one relationship, and I knew I was going to love him before we even started dating, and I am looking for that same foreknowledge again, except it will never happen again, but I used it up on the last guy. (I am extremely aware of the length of that sentence and the rambling nature of this blog. You will have to excuse it. It is after all 12:10 in the morning and I only just ate my first meal of yesterday about 20 minutes ago.)

That's my next topic. How did I manage to go more that 24 hours without food and not notice my craving. I seriously wanted nothing. Bizarre. I think there is something wrong with me. Leprosy of the soul. I can feel no pain, no love, no emotion because my soul is disease ridden.

Okay now that I have self diagnosed myself with something as embarrassing as leprosy, I am going to bed.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

a beating heart

A beating heart,

these rushing veins,

the rolling stomach,

my storming thoughts....

How I love date anticipation.

Almost as much as I love:

sunny afternoons after rainy mornings,

the ability to understand my sister's unnameable emotion,

knowing I will see my neph and nieceling this weekend,


looking my counselor in the face and telling her that I feel I know myself again,

having my counselor look me in the face and tell me how graceful I am (HOLY ISHMAEL! She used the word graceful!... see below for context)

normal life. And knowing a little what normal life means...

So about my counselor. She told me I have lived gracefully. Over and over and over, over these years my prayer has been grace. Not just physical grace, but emotional, and spiritual grace. I have always wanted it. I felt confirmed. Loved. I felt grown up.

Props on a good day Jesus.

Hoping your evening tea tasted as good as mine and was shared with as lovely of a person...


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Like shooting a sitting duck...

Abba has provided me with today's post title. The song goes like this "It was like shooting a sitting duck. A little small talk, a smile, and baby, I was stuck. I still don't know what you've done to me. A grown up woman should never fall so easily."

I have not fallen in love. Don't worry. I won't spring it on you like that. You'll know before I do, I'm sure...

I am, however, having one of the most fabulous days. A Patient Bass from choir asked me out last night, after nearly two months of waiting. So we will have dinner tomorrow night, and see what comes. Turns out he is older than I had thought, but still only 9 years my senior (almost to the day... he was born on the 4th of July... hehe). I am happy. Work is turning into one of the most splendiferous days I have had in the office in quite some time as I am doing quite well in my respective climate. This turned my happy day into a wonderful day. My mother is caring for herself, which made my wonderful day into a fabulous day. My weekend became unexpectedly open just five minutes ago, which turned my fabulous day into an incomprehensible, oh no when is the bad news going to hit, Please Jesus don't take this away, kind of day. The point is, if it is really so easy to make me float on a cloud of incomprehensible joy, why has it been so difficult to find this wonderful spot of fabulous fluttering freedom that is imbibing my veins, my heart, indeed my very soul? Oh how I can't tell you how I love this moment.

I have recently (as in twice in the last week) watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Several spots in this movie moved me, and I must admit that it was much better than the first. One moment I love, is when reepacheep's tail is regrown by Aslan. Aslan does this not for reepacheep's pride, or humility, or loyalty, but "for the love of your people". I adore this. Next, and this is the thought provoking one that made me write about the movie in the first place, was when King Peter says, "It is not what I expected but it is alright, I think." Allow me to show you what I expected.

Father Avram

I know. He's beautiful. Wanting what we can't have, and especially when that thing is had by something much greater than ourselves and to a greater end, is disappointing in a way that is so right it does not seem human. Or possibly it is so human that it is incomprehensible to this me that is still learning the most of the humanity. Don't think I am crazy for crushing on a Priest. It's not like a normal crush. It's like my crush on John Prendergast or George Clooney or Don Cheadle. It's the kind where I would marry any of them (though all of them are either married, strongly connected, or celibate) in this very moment, just because of the men they have made of themselves, even if they are not the most fabulous people (although I childishly believe them to the most perfected imperfect men I've encountered still living today). This is also how I feel about Jesus. I would follow him (and His Father) into eternity, just because of what they are... even if who they are turns out to be really horrifying.

However, I am thinking today, that maybe this is not the best of all things. Possibly what is best, is not what I expect, but something altogether different. And that may just be alright. Or possibly acknowledging that there are things that I would pine for, even while knowing that having them is not right. For example, I would never want a priest to leave the priesthood for me. That would be wrong in the worst way. So maybe it is not horrible to acknowledge what I want, what is there for me, and what I can't have... like unrequited love and its nobility. Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about.


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A certain newness

The passing of death brings a certain newness to live. When Death sweeps down over one's world, that moment of sheer reality settles in a new way into our views of tomorrow, and of today. I have known this newness.

I feel fresh, and yet darkened by my recent life. As though there is hope because something ended, leaving space for something to begin, and yet, I cannot shake the despair that haunts me because after all of my work, nothing could prevent the inevitable pain. Love is like this. I know it's going to hurt, no matter who I love, or where, or when, or how. But I walk into anyway, because there just is no other choice.

There is most decidedly a new perspective on peace. I desire it so fully now, that I even annoy myself when I seek to be the person those around me will recognize. I recognize me, but I fear no one else will. I also no longer have confidence in what I want.

Right now, for a couple of weeks now, I have wanted nothing more than to teach children. What is that? I want to teach preschool again. Alas this job will never pay enough, but how I want it. Maybe it's not even that. I want to feel that old value of my job, that there is growth possible, change imminent, and success achievable. That is readily, daily, hourly available in a preschool, and it comes custom wrapped in cute, snotty, messy, and lovable three year olds. I miss it.

More superficially, there are two men right now. One adores me (direct quote "thinks you walk on water"... hehe) but has not asked me out. I am frustrated by this. One can't make up his mind. He has the girl he wants but can't have in New York, the girl he has but doesn't want in DC, and me, the girl he talks to all the time and watches LOST with. I do not want the second. I just don't know what to do with him. If I thought I could get away with it I would take him outside, smack his face, and then sit him down for a lecture about what it means to grow up. The first one however, is a little boring, but normal. I could use a little normal at the moment.

So, I wish you all a happy Tuesday. I will sing tonight, and sleep after drinking.

PS. Watch this movie: Then She Found Me
PPS. Here is another bit of newness: