Wednesday, May 27, 2009

exasperation...

I am exasperated. Listen to my story:

I have a strong tendency to fall in love with (or rather, attach myself to the idea of) a given man for years at a time. I can measure much of my life by the men I invested in.
Ages 0-12 Peter and Benji (brothers)
Ages 12-16 Adam
Ages 16-18 Travis
Ages 19-22 Andrew
Ages 23-Present JDBman

Granted intermingled in these men, where little crushes, little ideas, little moments, but these men are the overarching themes of my life. It makes it incredibly difficult to date. For example, I am currently dating profusely. Too much, if you ask me. But I have a goal to accomplish: Learn more about dating and men and how I feel about different types of relationships. Marriage has not fallen into my lap. I'm not yet ready to commit to celibacy (though I get nearer that point the further I go into dating). However, the more I date the more I see that the man of my current obsession is the only one for me. I can give you valid and important reasons why each of the past men could not be for me.
Peter and Benji: They are my brothers people. That is just gross. :)
Adam: Oh teen-love. This never would have worked.
Travis: As good of a man as he is, he is a normal beyond normalcy.
Andrew: Read all previous blogs.
JDBman: He is in love with another woman.

However, I cannot convince myself at this moment that there is a man better for me than JDBman. This is utterly ridiculous. I know that. I date other men. I have fun with other men. I crush on other men. At the end of the day, he is the only man I currently dream about (beside the faceless one...) This means that I wake up most days utterly in love with a man I know is not right for me, whom I cannot have. This is exasperating. How do I stop being a woman who idealizes specific men?

PS. Day Two Self Care: boldness and honesty to tell a sweet boy that I was not interested. This is selfcare because now I do not have to practice avoidance.

2 comments:

mme. bookling said...

I am still trying to recover from the whole Adam debacule.

Self-care PERFECT! Knowing that you have a tendancy NOT to say "no" and refusing to let it wear on your mind later through anxiety and avoidance...that is exactly the imagination of which I seek in my own life.

Well Done lovely.

Becca said...

The Adam debacle just makes me laugh. Mostly because from him I learned the difference of a good kiss and a bad kiss (sorry but that first kiss was terrible!) The best of that debacle was learning my personal capability for passionate feeling. I was totally smitten, and totally angry, and totally hurt at various points. Andrew expanded all of that. If I can find the healthy version of all of that, I will marry. If not, I think my debaclish meemories will keep me quite well until death.