Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Unused Stamina

Rest and space work miracles. But are miracles always welcome? I mean, I suppose one could say that Jesus was a miracle, but I'm sure Mary didn't always think, "Man am I lucky?" because if I was a 13 year old pregnant chick in Ancient Israel, "lucky me" would not be my first thought.

I have lots of space, mostly because I have my own apartment, which I will post pictures of as soon as I have finished painting my bathroom. I work from home so I am alone a lot. My boyfriend is in residency so I am... well... alone a lot. And there is a lot of room for recovery.

I think recovery takes motivation. I have determination and always have had, but determination only gets me so far. This was true in the last dark time (November 2003 - August 2004), and it was true this dark time (lasting so long that it still feels that it is normal, and this new not so dark time is not normal). I don't even know if I want to call this recovery, or just lightening. Anyway, I've got motivation. Her name is my future, and she's become less elusive the more I talk about her with someone else. It's sometimes terrifying and sometimes lovely.

The point of all of this is that I have unused Stamina. I also cry a lot because I have abandonment issues, but I think that's just normal. Unused Stamina means that I am bored. Like really really bored. I want more out of this life. So I'm working harder than before...not more necessarily... just harder. At the same boring job. It's not hard work, but I'm working hard at it.

Unused Stamina makes me feel tired and hopeless. But I'm neither tired nor hopeless. I'm just bored. I'm all done with this. I want that life we talk about, but I have no idea how to get there. So I'm working harder, thinking that if this is possible, hard work will somehow get me where we've talked about being. How do you use your Stamina?

In the last 3 years, I've used mine on death and cancer and falling in love and travel and becoming an adult and although that's not all done, its not taking all this effort anymore. Now I need something else for stamina. Last time I had a surplus I went to school. So stamina surplus what will I do with you?