tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76495659097015005922024-03-13T12:46:29.576-07:00In Search of Bavarian Sugar CookiesBeccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.comBlogger167125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-48976044483225424422012-10-13T14:16:00.001-07:002012-10-13T14:16:40.926-07:00Because I have to say something...I know I've talked about it before. I know I've talked about how I support Marriage Equality and how I'm still a Christian and all of that. I know you all know what I believe. I know a fair number of you agree... and a fair number disagree and question my faith, my beliefs, my acknowledgement of scripture. But I have to talk about it again because in just 23 days my fair state of Washington will vote to define marriage once again. And as my community I owe it to you to be straight with you.<br />
<br />
I grew up in the Church, but I've always known gay people. That might sound strange if you didn't grow up in the Church, but if you live in a relatively small town full of relatively Christian people, there is a relatively high chance you won't know anyone who is openly gay. But I did. I loved them anyways but was never really taught anything about homosexuality outside of Church.<br />
<br />
In Church I learned that homosexuality was a sin. A big one. A dousy. Up there with murder and divorce and masterbastion. But we didn't talk about homosexuals. The people. The actual individuals who were gay. We only talked about the sin. Love the sinner hate the sin... and so I knew next to nothing about them. The gay people I knew weren't really gay to me. I didn't know them as gay people. I knew them as Gayle and Jake. Their homosexuality wasn't a thing we talked about. It wasn't a part of my relationship with them It wasn't a part of their identity for me. So I really didn't know about homosexuals.<br />
<br />
For years through high school and early college I talked about this sin. I talked about how it was wrong. How homosexuality was a sign of the end times. How the devil was using it to sway people away from Jesus. How homosexuality led to orgies and pedophilia and HIV. How it was caused by molestation and absent fathers. I was ignorant. Blind and naive and ignorant. <br />
<br />
Somewhere along the way in the midst of my degree in Theology, my world began to shift. I began to see sin differently as a whole. I began to understand that my relationship with God was not about me and my sins. It was no longer about getting to Heaven so that I could avoid Hell. It was no longer about defining how we sin and what sin is. It was about being with Jesus. All around. And in that shift, my desire to define homosexuality as a sin and define homosexuals as sinners ceased.<br />
<br />
The point here is that I don't care if homosexuality is a sin. I don't care if homosexuals are sinners because here is a news flash... they would be sinners even if they weren't homosexuals. It's not about the sin my friends. It is not about the sin. It is not about the SIN. It is about the people. It is about Jesus. It is about sanctity and love and holiness. No matter the sin inside us, those things are not negated.<br />
<br />
You see we do not deny marriage rights to oath breakers. To cheaters. To murderers. To liars. To whores. To children who disobey their parents. We do not deny marriage to divorcees. We do not deny marriage to people who do not wish to consecrate their marriage. And all of these things stand in the way of the "sacred" definition of marriage. Yet we allow these people to marry. Legally. In the Church. Before the eyes of God. With our blessing. <br />
<br />
The reason I must write these things is for you. All of you. Because it is not right for me to sit in community with you and not tell you these things. I must write these things because there are people I love so dearly who need to know that not only do I believe in their relationships, I commit my life to their relationships. Danny and Gareth, I will gladly stand up and witness your commitment to each other... I will gladly stand up and fight (aka vote) for your marriage. I will fight not only so you can marry, I will fight after you do because when I put my name on a marriage (even if it is not my own) I commit myself to doing everything in my power to making that marriage last.<br />
<br />
I must write because their are people in a little country church who need to hear me say that when you speak the things you speak you hurt so many people. I will love you forever. I will worship with you forever. I will respect you forever. But hear me when I say, that it is not Godly to behave this way. It is not Godly to place your expectations of a relationship on people outside of your community. It is not Godly to turn away, to use harsh words, to segregate. It is not Godly to turn your back on those inside your congregation who disagree. I listen to you talk about your beliefs and I still trust your faith and your Godliness. I am asking you to listen to me talk about my faith.<br />
<br />
and I believe in Marriage Equality. Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-46227353175773715202012-10-01T23:09:00.000-07:002012-10-01T23:09:29.113-07:00Two Things.Before I break into the 22 days since Daddy died, let me just say that I am totally freaking out right now and trying not to. See the Architect texts me every night... starting around 8 and going until pumpkin hour when he falls asleep. Every single night. Until this night. This very one right now where I am freaking out. I'm not freaking out because I think he might not like me anymore. I'm freaking out because I am scared that he is dead too. Yep. Sounds ridiculous. But I am terrified that he is dead. The same thing happened when it took Bryce two whole days to get back to me. Bryce is fine. He told me. But now, I am searching news sites making sure Architect is still alive too. I can't find anything. I'm trying to tell myself that God is not out to get me with the death. All of this is just life, just Him bringing home his people... these years culminating with my father are not His attempt to tell me that I am just the omen of death.<br />
<br />
Now on to the things that will make me sound only slightly less ridiculous...<br />
<br />
I still have a hard time sleeping through the night. My nightmares aren't the same anymore though. They used to be about people I love dying or scary monsters or the Apocolypse and Christ's return... but now they are about having enough food for the funeral, or not being able to take care of my family well enough, or once that Daddy was knocking and I couldn't get to him. They are riddled with stressful things. They are harder to shake off but less terrifying... more scary, less terrifying.<br />
<br />
I am still upset that they wouldn't let me see him and hold his hand before they bagged up his body. I am so hurt about that. They said it would freak me out to much, that I wouldn't want to remember him that way... but I remember him bleeding from the head, the neck... I remember him so beat up and gross because of some trip and fall when he was too drunk to walk straight. I held his hand then... I wanted to hold his hand when he died. It was what I did. But they wouldn't let me and I didn't know how to push it. So I gave it up and just tried to hold his hand through the black plastic bag.<br />
<br />
I worry that I'm not always super sad. In fact most of the time I'm just A-ok. But then I break down and cry wildly. Like at the wedding I was bartending last week when the father of the bride walked her down the aisle. Or driving in the car past the house I grew up in where I have the most memories of him. And... always always always the Beatles.<br />
<br />
I am worried about Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas. and I can't remember the recipe for Hot Cross Buns which is the first pastry he taught me to make.<br />
<br />
He may not have taken care of me but he sure did teach me to take care of everyone else. and I'm scared that I won't be able to without him here to tell me what to do next. Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-46093643415217104202012-09-10T22:55:00.001-07:002012-09-10T22:55:42.529-07:00Things Fall apart...If I had a nickel for every post that started out with life and ended in death, I would be the richest girl in the world.... or I'd at least have enough money to buy myself a diet coke.<br />
<br />
I will say all the right things everywhere else. I will be perfect everywhere else. I will keep it together for everyone else. But here, now, with you, I'm going to let it go.<br />
<br />
My dad is dead.<br />
<br />
I am so shaken and lost. I don't even know how to process this. I really thought he was going to live forever and continue to be my responsibility forever. I thought that this would be my life long burden. I was ready for that.<br />
<br />
I knew that there was a relatively low chance of him living 5 years past his surgery. I knew that he really had to quit drinking in order to live a full life. I have been watching him shrink away to practically nothing for over a year. I knew all that... but I thought he would be like a twinkie... well preserved and while not healthy not something that would kill you either.<br />
<br />
But then boom like a flash of light and a crack of the universe he was not. He ceased. He ended. He left. Again.<br />
<br />
I have thought forever that my father wouldn't live to walk me down the aisle. The two times I've been close to marriage, I've had to rearrange my childhood wedding plans to fit him in because he was never a factor, never supposed to make it. Now it seems so wrong that he actually won't be there.<br />
<br />
I hate planning this funeral. I hate it so much. I don't want anyone else to do it. I want to do it all. But I hate it.<br />
<br />
I may have been overwhelmed by my father for many years. Angry at him for a few. But it was an honor to care for him, to fight for his life, and to give all I had to be here with him. I would do it again. And better.<br />
<br />
I love you, Daddy. I miss you too much already.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-11009969168419263202012-09-06T00:18:00.000-07:002012-09-06T00:18:02.481-07:00The Architect...A few months ago, I posted about dating. I mentioned that I had been out twice with an architect that I liked but wasn't interested in. Well two more months have passed and we are still dating.<br />
<br />
I planned every time I went out with him to break it off. I planned and talked and planned. But it never happened. Because every time we went out I had fun. I couldn't do it. He was so nice and funny and I just couldn't.<br />
<br />
He wore me down. We are still seeing each other and I've given up. I like him. I like him a lot. It hasn't made Ananth go away in any measure, but I am moving on. I am terrified that this is too soon and that I'm just rebounding or looking for love or something, but I'm trying to trust myself and let it be okay.<br />
<br />
I don't think he's my boyfriend, but we haven't talked labels. He is so okay with this slow progression that I am letting myself be okay with it too. I don't know what we are... so I just say we are "seeing each other".<br />
<br />
So I'm dating the architect. And we'll see how that goes.<br />
<br />
<br />Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-37205736375406935322012-08-19T23:15:00.001-07:002012-08-19T23:15:01.832-07:00Slightly Irreverent I have been attending a church in Maple Valley, WA for the entirety of my life. I haven't always been a regular attender, but regular enough. Let me preface everything I have to say here today with this: This group of people has been my solid consistent source of joy for 28 years. I love them so much that I don't know what to do with them most of the time.<br />
<br />
I was chatting with a man from my church today. He is not new to the church, but I don't know him well, which is strange in our church of just over 100 people. We've talked before and I find him amusing and his wife is a riot. Today he told me he'd like to know me better... that I'm intelligent and funny... and slightly irreverent. <br />
<br />
Those last two words pretty much sum up my relationship with my church in the last couple of years... or five. It all started when I went away to Bible College and came home with strange thoughts on God. It increased when I decided to pledge myself to the Catholic Church and still continue in community with this small evangelical protestant congregation. And then it got worse when I went out into the world with a Theology degree strapped to my back and had to begin to live this newly defined and vocalized ideal I had built for myself.<br />
<br />
These days I walk into church and feel like a joke. No one really takes me seriously. I'm just that slightly irreverent girl who probably loves Jesus and will probably be in Heaven, but really is just wrong about most things. I have a big vocabulary and I've studied a lot but I don't really know what it is to just have a simple faith anymore. I don't have anything to offer them but a smile and yet another crazy story about how my family is falling to pieces so they can pray for me.<br />
<br />
It makes me sad. I feel apart from most of them. Part of that is probably me, but I know I worry some of them and scare some of them and really full on terrify some of them. I don't know how to be a helpful part of Christian community anymore without denying what I believe.<br />
<br />
I want to find that place where I can worship with those whom I love without being thought crazy. I want to worship with my Auntie. I want to worship with both of my churches at the same time. I want to worship with my gays. I want to not walk into the church where everyone knows me and feel like I will never again fit in.<br />
<br />
I miss myself in that community. I know I don't belong there anymore, but I don't know how to leave them. They are my family and leaving seems so sad and lonely. Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-70378559957130676042012-07-25T23:33:00.003-07:002012-07-25T23:33:57.424-07:00Read the BibleToday I was reading one of my <a href="http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.com/">favorite blogs</a>, and checking out their facebook page and this led to this <a href="https://www.facebook.com/events/266281243473841/">facebook event.</a><span style="background-color: white;"> I hate reading things like this. I don't care that people want to support Chick-fil-A's decision not to support same sex marriage. I totally understand and support the church's stand on marriage. I don't agree with it, but I think that the separation of Church and State should protect the Church's right to not officiate a marriage they do not support. I also understand why they feel the way they do. What I don't get is telling people who do support same sex marriage that they are not Christians! Can my support of same sex marriage really deny me salvation, redemption, resurrection, etc? Or even if I was gay would I be denied salvation? That is just ridiculous.I was hurt not personally but for my church and for the people arguing with them. I am ashamed to put my name on either group. I am in the Church. I vote for same sex marriage. I am ashamed of those in both groups who give either a bad name. You should all feel terrible about your lack of dignity and respect. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">I had to go read my Bible to feel better. I don't believe this is what Christ wanted. I just want to know that there is hope. I want to believe that the Church can serve the world while abstaining from it. Why oh why are we so scared of what is not ourselves? Or even more why are we so scared of ourselves? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">I don't even know how to engage in this conversation. With so many voices and so much hate, how do I do anything? Well I hate that thought. Why must I believe that in order to do something, I must do it on a grand scale? I don't have to be the leader in order to contribute? They don't have to be my words? I just don't know. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">I sound like such a hippie. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
This was the most depressing part of my day.<br />
<br />
PS. Post break up win: I went to a wedding today and when the thought occurred to me that I would never stand up with the man I love and pledge my life to him because he doesn't want me, I pushed it away. It only took like 3 seconds. I didn't collapse this time like I usually do.<br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-50665252727716524722012-07-25T00:35:00.002-07:002012-07-25T00:35:29.452-07:00Midnight in the Garden of Good and EvilIt's actually past Midnight, but it is not yet 1am, so I think it still works.<br />
<br />
I found an <a href="http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/">awesome blog</a> today... I mean awesome. So I stayed up late to read it. Lillian came home tonight though and will be waking me early to spend time with her, so I can't go into detail, but I think people should read it. I know that we won't all love it, but I think we should all view as educational at least. Clearly we all know that I, with my liberal sensibilities, love it. Anyways, just had to share...<br />Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-39363441224294826822012-06-21T10:03:00.003-07:002012-06-21T10:03:58.931-07:00A New life... again.I have this awful cycle in my life where I must continually start over and build a new life. I am so very tired of it. But facts must be faced and I must again start over. I have a lovely home, and my lovely friends and family, but other than that I need to build life all over again.<br />
<br />
I need a new job. I got laid off from my wonderful new job that I posted about a few posts back. Laid off again. ugh.<br />
<br />
I need a new car. I sold my car when my company got me a new car, which I had to give back when I was laid off. ugh.<br />
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I need a new boyfriend. I know this one isn't as essentially true. But I would like a family some day and I have decided it is well past time to realize that I have to put the last one out of my mind.<br />
<br />
So here's my mission. I am very studious once I have goals. Extremely fastidious. I will be again. Right now.<br />
<br />
Today's goals:<br />
1. Work out: I find it easier to get men to like me when I weigh less. Some of that has to do with my confidence level (most of it actually) and some of it has to do with facts of life.<br />
2. Clean my room and do laundry: I'm having a party on Saturday and this just has to be done. The rest of the house is ready, now I have to get ready.<br />
3. Apply for 15 jobs. Yes 15. I also have to recreate my tracking list of job applications. I did this last time and had a job very quickly.<br />
4. Apply for unemployment. I couldn't do this earlier so I'm doing it today.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow's goals:<br />
1. Work out.<br />
2. Apply for 15 jobs.<br />
3. Shop for Saturday's party.<br />
<br />
Saturday's goals:<br />
1. Work out.<br />
2. Apply for 5 jobs (I get a weekend relaxation break.)<br />
3. Clean the house one last time before the party.<br />
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That's enough goals for this moment. :)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-13501968779430386162012-06-20T17:03:00.000-07:002012-06-20T17:03:05.262-07:00Dating again...So because my lovely wonderful ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, I started dating again. Am I ready to date again? The answer remains a resounding NO. Do I continue to date again anyway? Well Yes. Yes I do.<br />
<br />
Being the overly intelligent woman I am, I decided to start dating again only two weeks after he broke up with me. The first guy I went out with was out for 1 thing and 1 thing only. I've rarely been treated less like a lady. I let him know that he was not for me immediately.<br />
<br />
The second guy I went out with is super nice but we decided to be just friends. We get along well but we don't have any kind of chemistry and I find him a little annoying. However, he can be really cool to hang out with. So we hang out sometimes.<br />
<br />
The third guy I went out with, I have been out with twice now. He really likes me. He is so very nice. He's funny and he thinks I'm hilarious. He's an architect. I should be thrilled.<br />
<br />
But I'm not. I'm not thrilled and I feel terrible about it. He is really really cool, but I can tell he likes me way more than I like him. Mostly because I don't have any kind of feeling for him. Mostly because when I am out with anyone, I am wishing that it was Ananth sitting across from me instead of whoever I happen to be out with. I just sit there and continually force my thoughts away from him. And then I pray that all of that would go away. Hurray for being such a freaking sucker.<br />
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Can I just tell you that dating is so much work. Half the time I'm wishing I wasn't on a date and the other half of the time I'm thinking about getting my "I need attention" meter filled for the day. And this is what makes me such a terrible person.<br />
<br />
I hate having to break things off with someone I don't even know. More though I hate that I feel like I need to be with someone. Ugh.<br />
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Okay I'm going to a Sounders game now. First Soccer game. Huzpas!Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-13706473085984168762012-05-08T11:01:00.000-07:002012-05-08T11:01:03.181-07:00My Christian HeritageThis post could go in so many positive directions, but instead it will likely scream of doom and gloom. You see, I've found in the last month as I have wondered lonely and hopeless through the dark that I have a heritage passed down to me through generations... one I'm not entirely proud of.<br />
<br />
Here are some things that bother me about the Christian Culture in which I was raised:<br />
<br />1. The expectation that I should and would marry young<br />
2. The expectation that trials and tribulations later result in the Grace of God and much happiness.<br />
3. The expectation that when we say "God works all things for the good of those who love Him", what we really mean is that even when bad things happen, later something nice will happen that will make those bad things make sense.<br />
4. The fear of worshiping God or being mindfully in His presence when I have not spent conscious time confessing my sins and seeking forgiveness.<br />
5. The horrible tension between the idea that it is my choice to love and follow Him, but that in all reality He is in control of everything. If we follow the implications of these two separate doctrine's to their ends, God ends up looking like a jerk in both circumstances.<br />
6. The fact that I have to shut my mind off at a certain point in my theological study in order to not get really mad at Him.<br />
7. The absolute desire for a simple unquestioning faith so that I can have a little peace from Him for a while.<br />
8. The necessity of my heart and soul to seek Him whenever life goes to pot and to praise Him when things are joyously fantastic. And the tendency of complacency in between... and frustration with that complacency. <br />
<br />
<br />
I have this overwhelming desire to teach God things. I do. As much as I've never wanted to be a teacher or a speaker, I must admit at some point that these are my natural gifts. The problem is that list up there. I can't say these things inside the church (at least the lay church) and not scare people... I mean I can say those things, but not their logical ends. Not the things that I really want to talk about like how religions develop... like how ours developed... like how that should affect our understanding of truth throughout the centuries... like how no matter how I dice it, God ends up being responsible for sin and pain and death. I wish I wasn't so limited. I feel that He gave me enough of a brain and conscience and love and heart and something that I can see that He is more than the box I originally made for him...so much more, but not enough of all of those things to really understand the implications of Him living outside of my box. I don't want to want to punch Him in the face anymore. I would really like proof that He cares about me as an individual and not just as one of the bunch of us humans that He came to save and give life to in the first place. Signs and Miracles. How weak I am.<br />
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So how do I teach, when I'm not sure what to believe? How do I bind myself to a congregation when I am too afraid of myself to get close to them... because every time I let them all in I end up hurting people and they me and I know that's relationship... but I promise this is worse than normal.<br />
<br />
Confession: Ananth is so very gone from my life. I miss him. And I want to understand why that relationship happened if not for love. I still hurt, but I accept that it is over. A lot of my frustration with God has to do with not letting me have that life... and with His unwillingness to provide me with a new future now that that one is gone. <br />
<br />
Okay that's all. I have to go give a presentation now.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-72118069151574205012012-04-13T11:56:00.000-07:002012-04-13T11:56:06.531-07:00Getting Better and Getting WorseI'm getting better. I'm not as heartsick. I'm still sad and I have no idea how to really make plans for a future, but I don't feel like dying anymore. I'm upset to be brokenhearted over something so very not my fault. I'm frustrated with myself for falling in love so easily and yet proud of myself at the same time. My next goal is to find a new future for myself. And to imagine the possibility of love again. And to not miss him so much. <br />
<br />
My sister in law's mother, however, is getting worse. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago and things are not yet the miraculous better that I prayed for. There is still so much hope and some time and now it is my prayer that no matter how this concludes or when, that it will conclude with peace and love. <br />
<br />
Ah life... you were so good to me in 2011. Here's to making the best of the worst.<br />
<br />
When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand apples.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-86321896002992858622012-04-04T12:39:00.000-07:002012-04-04T12:39:23.124-07:00I am not okayOn Monday I was dumped for the first time in my life by a man I was very much in love with. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I was looking forward to having his children. I wanted to be his forever.<br />
<br />
And now I am not okay. This hurts so much more than death. This is the worst part of life. I know that some day I will be better, but I have no idea when someday will be. I keep praying that it could please be today.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-11357835592595537032012-03-27T10:40:00.000-07:002012-03-27T10:40:41.961-07:00Booty CampThis morning I went to Booty Camp. A few weeks ago, I made the decision to spend more money than is really necessary on exercise that is set up in a way that will make me want to go. <a href="http://southsidebootycamp.com/">Southside Booty Camp </a>was my answer. I'm spending enough to spend two days at Disneyland in order to work out outside in a park that overlooks the Space Needle and the Puget Sound with a bunch of other women. <br />
<br />
Booty Camp is hard core, but really not that bad. I think the best thing that came out of it is that I realized that I at least have the potential to be hard core again too. I was exhausted when I got home. The 3 flights of switch back stairs in my apartment were the hardest part of the morning... WAY harder than getting up at 5:30am and WAY harder than the sprints and lunges and workout etc.<br />
<br />
So now Monday - Thursday from 6:15 -7:15am, I will be working my tail feathers. Hopefully the tail feathers will blossom and grow (they are currently lacking), but the tummy pooch, thunder thighs, and arm jigglers will fall right off. I'm exhausted today and I'm sure I'll be more exhausted tomorrow, but hopefully by the end of this first session (one month long) I will be getting into a groove.<br />
<br />
I was joking with a friend yesterday that I'm hoping not to lose any weight or size but just turn was currently is into the creepiest mass of muscle ever seen on a woman. I'm really hoping that doesn't actually happen.<br />
<br />
Coincidentally, I've also learned that my body is getting old. It doesn't respond to stretching the way it always has. I found latent strength, but not latent flexibility. I was a little bummed about that. <br />
<br />
So hopefully I'll feel better about this body of mine. I've decided that exercise is for how I feel and dieting is for how I look. I can't feel guilty about exercise or I won't do it. I can't feel motivated about dieting because that's just ridiculous... so I've just separated them into two categories and called it good.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-58203739972952940012012-03-21T17:47:00.000-07:002012-03-21T17:47:01.291-07:00Coming back?Am I justified in rejoining the blogging world after an absence of roughly 9 months? Even if I'm not justified, I'm going to do it.<br />
<br />
I promise I wasn't gone for 9 months for the normal reasons that people are gone from things for 9 months. It just worked out that way. By this I mean that I don't have a child, nor am I pregnant.<br />
<br />
Here's the updates for those of you don't know (but let's face the fact that you probably all do):<br />
1. I am still with Ananth. I'll probably get in trouble if he ever finds out I put his real name on my blog.<br />
2. I have a new job. And oh heaven how fantastic it is to make so much more money. Not that money is my sole source of motivation, but I do love not stressing about funds.Oh I also love this job. <br />
3. My father and mother are both alive and well. Dad is skinny and can't really walk anymore, but Mom is still doing great and living her life as though cancer were just an accessory she puts on in the morning to make her more heroic and unique.<br />
4. I found out that I hate living alone. So I'm moving back in with Lillian in June. Cause we're just that baller.<br />
5. I am not nearly as practiced at introspection as I once was.<br />
<br />
I rode a ferry boat today. While this fact is true and lovely, I only wrote it because I can't think of anything else to say. Last night I decided I needed to start writing again. I haven't written any secret letters, real letters, journal entries, or notes to self in the same 9 months that I haven't written a blog. I took a big old fancy writing and introspection hiatus. I am so ridiculously out of practice that last night I wrote 1 paragraph.. and it was pretty much about how I didn't know what to write about but felt the need to put pencil to paper. <br />
<br />
I gave up desserts for Lent. But all I really want to do tonight is take a walk with my boyfriend and go get some fro-yo. I guess I'll have to live with not doing that. Maybe we can walk and get some Mexican instead. <br />
<br />
Now that I don't work there anymore, I am amazed at just how much I hated my last job. There were things I sincerely loved. Like my employees and my students and their families and the majority of my coworkers. And that's a lot of good reasons to stay. But since they kicked me out, I feel like it's now okay to say that that job sucked out my soul. But it left me with the skills to do my new job which is so creepily happy and wonderful that I seriously keep asking my new coworkers to tell me things that are bad about the company just so I know that this magical world of fairyland creatures that give me everything I could possibly wish for and then even more is actually real. Getting this job after working at my last job is like living your whole life as a Muggle and then falling in love with and marrying Harry Potter. <br />
<br />
<br />
And just now, I've distracted myself with lots of interesting news articles regarding things like the new Hunger Games movie trilogy and the Kony2012 scandal and the 2012 Troll Stroll... so now I'm going to go read other peoples more interesting words.<br />
<br />
Here's hoping another installment will follow in the days to come.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-11499562839332466942011-07-20T17:40:00.000-07:002011-07-20T17:40:13.096-07:00Unused StaminaRest and space work miracles. But are miracles always welcome? I mean, I suppose one could say that Jesus was a miracle, but I'm sure Mary didn't always think, "Man am I lucky?" because if I was a 13 year old pregnant chick in Ancient Israel, "lucky me" would not be my first thought.<br />
<br />
I have lots of space, mostly because I have my own apartment, which I will post pictures of as soon as I have finished painting my bathroom. I work from home so I am alone a lot. My boyfriend is in residency so I am... well... alone a lot. And there is a lot of room for recovery.<br />
<br />
I think recovery takes motivation. I have determination and always have had, but determination only gets me so far. This was true in the last dark time (November 2003 - August 2004), and it was true this dark time (lasting so long that it still feels that it is normal, and this new not so dark time is not normal). I don't even know if I want to call this recovery, or just lightening. Anyway, I've got motivation. Her name is my future, and she's become less elusive the more I talk about her with someone else. It's sometimes terrifying and sometimes lovely.<br />
<br />
The point of all of this is that I have unused Stamina. I also cry a lot because I have abandonment issues, but I think that's just normal. Unused Stamina means that I am bored. Like really really bored. I want more out of this life. So I'm working harder than before...not more necessarily... just harder. At the same boring job. It's not hard work, but I'm working hard at it.<br />
<br />
Unused Stamina makes me feel tired and hopeless. But I'm neither tired nor hopeless. I'm just bored. I'm all done with this. I want that life we talk about, but I have no idea how to get there. So I'm working harder, thinking that if this is possible, hard work will somehow get me where we've talked about being. How do you use your Stamina?<br />
<br />
In the last 3 years, I've used mine on death and cancer and falling in love and travel and becoming an adult and although that's not all done, its not taking all this effort anymore. Now I need something else for stamina. Last time I had a surplus I went to school. So stamina surplus what will I do with you?Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-67347937319422794402011-06-30T12:35:00.000-07:002011-06-30T12:35:59.330-07:00Cleaning upLast night Lillian and I cleaned out our old apartment for the last time, in preparation for our walk through today. I expected to be nostalgic and I was a little, but not like I usually am when I leave "home". As I said to Lillian last night, I am going to miss only 1 thing about that place and Lillian is it. Two years with this girl was awesome. She rocks my world and we laugh so much. I will miss seeing her every day.<br />
<br />
Bringing the final remnants of my old house into my new house was odd. It was all that stuff I'd rather forget about than acknowledge. So now I have more cleaning up to do. That is certainly not the end of the world, because I now I have Friday night off, because boyfriend changed date night to Saturday night, so I'm going to clean up my new apartment and get it ready to be visited by a very good friend and maybe her precious daughter.<br />
<br />
This is all pretty great. pretty great.<br />
<br />
PS. I bought running shoes.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-41787074150989895762011-06-28T14:35:00.000-07:002011-06-28T14:35:12.208-07:00Making homeI am in love with my new apartment. I have so many plans for the space, and so many ideas about how I will live here. I love love love it. When I moved in it was immediately obvious that the landlord had done absolutely nothing to make the apartment any cleaner than it was when the previous tenant left. They were not planning paint the dirty walls, or cleaning the nasty kitchen floor, or wash the bird poop covered windows. They were not going to replace the burn in the carpet or even clean (or vacuum) the carpet, or even rid the shower stall of some mildew. So I have my work cut out for me. Some of this is already taken care of... some of it is still to come.<br />
<br />
Changes coming up...<br />
1. There is a yellow wall in the living room, which matches the yellow in the bathroom. Both will be painted a light greenish blue that matches my living room lamps and bathroom floor rugs. It will be lovely.<br />
2. Blinds in my room. Currently there is no covering on the window in my bedroom, but I purchased blinds today that match my bedside tables.<br />
3. Blinds in the kitchen. There is also no window covering in the kitchen. I wouldn't normally care about that, but I'd like to get something to block out the heat and the sun. Since my apartment is on the 3 floor of a 3 floor building and has eastern facing windows, it can get relatively warm in there. I wanted to go with curtains, but the ones I liked for the kitchen wouldn't keep out the heat.<br />
4. I need to hang all of my art. So far the Naked Lady has gone up, and of course the first thing to go up was my crucifix, but everything else is still leaning against walls. I haven't decided where everything will go yet. All the furniture is in place, but now I need to arrange and decorate my walls - after I wash them of course.<br />
5. I have to finish lining my shelves with new contact paper, the gripping kind. I like the gripping kind.<br />
6. I need to clean my carpets with a carpet cleaner... you know.. the kind you rent at the grocery store.<br />
7. I need to grocery shop... to fill my new cupboards with lovely food.<br />
<br />
I am also making myself at home with this whole residency thing. Well mostly, I should say my boyfriend is freaking fabulous and is doing everything he can to make this seem normal and easy for me. And it's working. It doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. I know we'll make it and that is wonderful.<br />
<br />
PS. My birthday is in just 10 days. I'm pretty excited about that.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-23580181182884551442011-06-20T20:41:00.000-07:002011-06-20T20:41:49.263-07:00Residency and the worst ideas ever...Ananth started residency today. I am feeling better already, mostly because I'm not dreading it starting anymore. Now I'm just living in it. For example, I will not see my wonderful boyfriend until Friday... or maybe Saturday... or maybe not. Nothing is absolute anymore. However, I am confident that I will not see him this week, so instead of dreading next week, I can put my efforts into working hard this week, so that this weekend I can focus on moving out of my apartment and hopefully seeing my boyfriend. So this is easier than last week. I don't feel like crying every moment.<br />
<br />
There are bad ideas that accompany missing your boyfriend. For example (it's an examply kind of day): Facebook stalking him. Today I learned that all of the women my boyfriend has been in a relationship with since 2006 were gorgeous blondes. Note to the blogger world: I am not a gorgeous blond. And I'm a little fat. I am generally not the girl that feel unworthy or less beautiful. I am very pretty. And I have lots of great qualities. And my boyfriend picked me. I know he likes me. etc. But I will admit, I've never questioned my own beauty more than I am today after finding out just how pretty my boyfriend's ex's are. I am not upset. And I don't want to cry. Really I just feel ridiculous. And stupid. I did this to myself. It was admittedly a very bad idea.<br />
<br />
Worse still than the idea to facebook stalk my boyfriend and by extension his ex girlfriends, is the idea to take in my father for a few weeks while his apartment gets ready. My father has put down a deposit on a place, and will eventually get in, but probably not until the beginning of July. So my very alcoholic, ornery, and sometime just down right obnoxious father is going to stay with me. While I pack and move. Did I mention that I work from home?<br />
<br />
Overall I really want it to be like July 7th. On July 7th, it will be almost my birthday (and incidentally my sister in laws birthday), my father won't be here anymore, and I will be (hopefully) used to not seeing my boyfriend for weeks on end. Oh. And I will be in my new apartment.<br />
<br />
PS I am pretty sure my boyfriend is getting me a Wii for my birthday. He really needs to work on this whole "surprise" thing. I love surprises. He is very bad at them.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-13647038943337200412011-06-16T10:54:00.000-07:002011-06-16T10:54:40.846-07:00TransitionI go back to work today after 2 days of vacation and a lot of time with the boyfriend. We had a great time and I am so very happy that we got the opportunity to spend some solid time together before he starts residency next week.<br />
<br />
I am terrible at change. TERRIBLE. The last 3 months have been building up to this week for me. This one last week before my relationship wanders casually into the "unknown". I absolutely know that I am going to be okay and that my relationship is going to be fine, but I must admit that I am terrified of being left. If there is one thing I could really despise my father for it is this wretched abandonment issue.<br />
<br />
I am really proud of myself though, because even though I cried like a little girl saying goodbye to him last night, I didn't ask him to stay and I wanted him to go. I wanted him to take care of himself. And I recognized that I was just sad and a little scared. I felt like I was saying goodbye. I wasn't trying to manipulate, which I have done before in other relationships.<br />
<br />
I'm mostly a happy camper, because I have a new apartment and a wonderful boyfriend and a job. And even though making all those things work in the next few weeks is overwhelming, I don't want to give up on them and I cherish them. And I'm happy that these things are not death and illness like they were last year.<br />
<br />
So here we go change and transition. Let's do this.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-45951568817777008242011-06-02T12:01:00.000-07:002011-06-02T12:01:03.773-07:00Selling my soulDear World,<br />
<br />
I feel cynical today. A little snarky. I want to talk trash. Instead I have a conference call with my boss where I must be bright and cheery or she will not believe that I am committed to the company's core values. Since when is cheeriness a core value?<br />
<br />
I am in the mood to clean things. So I cleaned my apartment. But now there is nothing left to clean, so I'm going to organize my bills. That's gross. I'm thinking about making a spreadsheet for them, but that seems like a waste of time. I want to color code it and have it link to my calendar with sparkling timers of joy that go off every time something is due to be paid, which will erupt into fireworks of congratulations when I actually pay something off. I wish fireworks would go off every time I paid a bill. I would be so much more motivated to pay my bills early, instead of just on time.<br />
<br />
I bought new shoes, but they are not summer shoes. They are fall shoes. So I don't think I can bring myself to wear them yet. But they are very cute.<br />
<br />
Last night boyfriend was not on the same page as me. I wanted to play games and have fun. He wanted to be quiet and cuddle.<br />
<br />
Ugh the boss is calling.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-76942618168319141292011-05-26T19:30:00.000-07:002011-05-26T19:30:15.296-07:0013 minutesI haven't been writing because I haven't felt inspired to do so. But I have 13 minutes, and I've just finished catching up the <a href="http://candacemorris.blogspot.com/">bloggerina</a> I am most dedicated to, so I feel amply filled with enough vocabulary to do justice to my current life.<br />
<br />
I can't say the words I want to lately. They are bottled up neatly within me and they are terrifying words. They are words I have to wait to say because of the rules that bind my heart and soul. I won't even let myself write them for fear that writing them will loose my tongue and I will break the rules. I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Even my own.<br />
<br />
I now have 10 minutes. 10 minutes until HE arrives to pick me up and take me to my favorite couple's house for games and nosh and wine. Doesn't that night sound fabulous? And it will be. My favorite couple, are part <a href="http://acommunityofhisown.blogspot.com/">Garreth</a> and part Danny, who does not have a blog that I am aware of but who is my constant hero.<br />
<br />
7 minutes (I was interrupted by a question from an employee). 7 minutes to discuss that I am overwhelmingly happy in my life. I am searching for apartments, succeeding at work, and falling constantly for this guy. But I feel that it will all tip at any moment and all come crashing down around me. I am frantically trying to perfect all those things that are currently imperfect before they have a chance to ruin my now nearly perfect life. Never before have I feared doom like I do now. I dread its inevitableness (did you even know that was a word?). <br />
<br />
4 minutes. 4 minutes to tell you that I am at peace with where I am and the choices I am making. I have peace about it for today. I love it for today, but now, somehow, I am worried that I will not be happy with these choice when I look at them five years from now. The permanence of my decisions and how they can affect my soul hereafter is so much more present than it has been in the past.<br />
<br />
1 minute. 1 minute to run off because my make up needs applying. 1 minute to say I love you. because I can say it here. to you.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-3259107577026464422011-04-30T07:54:00.000-07:002011-04-30T07:54:38.580-07:00ReddingI am in Redding.<br />
<br />
This is so bizarre. Last night I saw an old friend and found her to be much like me - at least in how things have changed. Life happened in the two years since I last saw her and an even more calming maturity has settled on her. And exciting times are happening for her and it was wonderful to reunite just now.<br />
<br />
However, I am now sharing a hotel room with my loveliest of roommates, which is strange for many reasons:<br />
1. I am in a hotel room in Redding. I'm not staying with a friend. I spent 3 years of my life here. Once upon a time I knew people here very intimately. Now, I just a stranger, a guest, a traveller. Now I stay in hotels.<br />
<br />
2. My roommate also lived here once, but after me. She was here for just a few months. But I know there is some strangeness for her too. I am glad we are here together. (I love my roommate.)<br />
<br />
3. The last time I staid in this hotel, I was 18 and playing Volleyball for Multnomah.<br />
<br />
<br />
Today I will attend a Simpson University graduation ceremony. My lovely young mentee, Jenny Lawler, will walk across the stage and receive the degree that took her 5 years to earn. She will be a college graduate and I am so ridiculously proud of her.<br />
<br />
I did not spend time thinking, before this very morning, how it would feel to be in Redding and how it would feel to be at yet another Simpson Graduation. The last one I went to was my own. I will see professors, and friends and people I haven't seen or talked to in 4 years. And then I must come to grips with the fact that the life I lived here was 4 years ago.<br />
<br />
Last night Katie and I talked about Andrew... and I realized that the last time she heard me talk about him, I still had not yet processed much of our relationship. I also had not yet felt settled and secure enough about my opinions about my life and the world to be able to unapologetically explain where I am coming from and who I am. Last night was refreshing. I am not afraid of my life. I am, however, afraid of today.<br />
<br />
Here is my saving grace: This day is so not about me and the people I might bump into. It is about Jenni Lawler and her huge achievement. It is about being here with her and with people I love who have loved me my entire life. It is about being that friend, that adult, that person that can look at this girl whom I have loved my entire life and being glowingly proud of how amazing she is. So I will likely bump into people. But who cares. I am me and I am not afraid of my life.<br />
<br />
I remain. I am still here.<br />
<br />
And in 4 hours I will be with Julie.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-16964586463928962012011-04-14T12:55:00.000-07:002011-04-14T12:55:40.326-07:00Cancer RantFacebook has it's pros and cons. One con that typically pisses me off is the status posting in which people try to repost statuses (stati?) for certain causes.<br />
<br />
For Example: <span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">All of us have thousands of wishes. To be thinner, to be bigger, have more money, have a cool car, a day off, a new phone, to date the person of your dreams. A cancer patient only has one wish, to kick cancer's ass. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honor of someone who died or is fighting cancer, or even had cancer, please repos</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">t</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">May I just say this: Cancer does not make other wishes and dreams go away. It's not like the minute you get cancer your life goals and hopes go out the window. Or like Cancer Patients cease to be people and suddenly only live the life of Cancer. I want to post a rebuttal, but am not witty enough to say all of this in a couple of lines of text that will somehow shut up the people that just want to post and repost about how they know someone who has cancer and wishes they could beat it. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">On that note, two new polyps showed up in daddy's stomach. The testing shows that they are benign, but we are supposed to keep watching them over time. I'm not worried. I mean, this is really no big deal... just some bumps that aren't going to grow and damage him. But, there are moments when I think it's all got to come back eventually. Other moments I just think the post cancer care will be a part of my life forever and ever. That is almost as depressing. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;">Mom is doing well. It's almost like she doesn't have cancer, except that I worry about her all the time. And the part where she needs to spend my wedding money on things like paying cancer bills. I wish I could just find a way to make all of the family take care of each other. If only their lives weren't so important and I could just manage the lives of everyone. I am pretty sure we would all be happy with the outcome. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 14px;">Alas. I can't fix any of this. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><br />
</span></span>Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-23882231492352700932011-04-13T19:50:00.001-07:002011-04-13T19:50:39.629-07:00Communication StationCommunicating has its difficult and easy moments for me. I think for most people. I am really good at communicating when I have boundaries and expectations. I get really bad at communicating when I don't.<br />
<br />
For example, I am perfectly fine not talking to someone if I know that we aren't going to talk that day. However, if I think we are going to talk, and we don't, I get very emotional very very fast.<br />
<br />
It's kind of ridiculous really, because although my head is saying to me, "Rebecca, this is not a big deal. Really, there are so many rational explanations. This does not mean you are not wanted or unimportant." my heart is saying to me, "You are entirely rejected and unwanted. Run and hide now before this hurts even more than it already does. GO NOW!!!" So I sit and cry and laugh at myself at the same time, and try to make myself breath, although breathing, much like drinking water when I need to vomit, only makes matters worse.<br />
<br />
This week has been a practice in figuring out my side of communication needs.<br />
<br />
I need:<br />
to know when we aren't going to talk and why<br />
to know what style of communication (email, gchat, in person, phone, etc) is acceptable for which conversations<br />
to remember that my needs are okay and not always ridiculous<br />
to know that needing does not make me needy<br />
<br />
In a "Love Languages" perspective, I am very much a Quality Time and a Words of Encouragement person. I love presents, but only because they are surprises and I naturally love surprise, but for me it's really about being known, and I don't often believe you can know me without tons of experience (time) and then I won't know that you know me unless you tell me (words). I feel silly most of the time admitting that. But it's true.<br />
<br />
I think a lot of my insecurity surrounding communication and needing links back to my abandonment issues. My dad left when I was so young, and in a much different and yet startlingly related sense, my own dear and lovely mother abandoned me right after high school. Waiting for someone to show up always brings up the picture of me, somewhere around 10, sitting on the couch in front of our living room window, facing the street in front of our house. I would kneel backwards on the couch so I could see the street and every car that went by. There I would stay all day and far into the evening waiting for my father to show up... he would call, and I would have the phone there next to me so I wouldn't have to move to answer it. Again and again he would say, "I'll be there soon, baby." And again and again I would believe him. And again and again he would not come. And my heart would break again and again.<br />
<br />
It's hard for that little girl in my head, sitting on the couch, waiting for you, to remember that if you don't show up, you aren't abandoning me. It's a hard lesson every single time I have to relearn it. And lately I am relearning it with alarming rapidity.<br />
<br />
So tonight I am going out with a special girlie who always has the knack of making me happy again, and I'm going to forget about communication for a while.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7649565909701500592.post-54520199733262898772011-04-05T13:00:00.000-07:002011-04-05T13:00:06.960-07:00Falling in and out of loveI am falling out of love with my job. It's an enlightening experience regarding love in general. I still recognize all of the things I love about my job, but the things I hate cloud my vision all of the time and take away all of my motivation to continue to build any sort of life for myself here. I want a new job, not because I hate what I do, but because I want a fresh breath. I want to feel revitalized. I want to believe in people again.<br />
<br />
I am, however, not falling out of love with love. I am falling in love with love. I cannot say that I love my boyfriend, because I'm not there yet, but I can tell you that I am falling in love with falling in love. I know that my feelings for him are growing and I adore this process. Even the hard days like today, when all I want is to talk to him about a pressing issue which he has clearly said we will not talk about until we are together tomorrow instead of talking about it on the phone or gchat today, which I would prefer just to get it out of the way and off of my list of things to worry about. Even then, I still know that I love falling for him. I love that every time I close my browser and see his face on my background, I smile because I just adore him.<br />
<br />
See:<br />
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I am also falling in love with the process of figuring out what I am going to do with myself when he starts residency. Right now, the only thing to do is to start school again. Grad school? Maybe... right now I just want to take a class or two and just figure out where I want to be. What do I want to study. Right now I know that I want to be in Grad School in the next two years. Right now, I don't think I want to leave Seattle, but maybe I will change my mind. So I'm looking at summer classes and fall classes that I can take in the evening to start making up my mind about my future. Without Grandpa here to tell me his opinion, I have a lot of work to do to figure out what I want and who I am.<br />
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But love is there... to lift us up where we belong. or something like that.Beccahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02182987011771414483noreply@blogger.com0