This weekend I learned. Admittedly, it was not the kind of learning where you walk out of the classroom having learned certain equations that will always give you the right answer. It was the kind where you leave thinking it is very possible that you are less certain than ever before, because of the multitude of possibilities presented to you.
I canceled a date on Friday night. I apologized profusely, but I was just not feeling well (never drink AMP energy drink on an empty stomach). He was so angry and hasn't responded to me since. I am not too upset, but I think it's sad that he is so burned by life that he's not willing to believe that I really was unwell. This spawned a train of thought. Saturday night I went on a second/third date (second day of dates, third actual date), and then today I went on a third/fourth date with the same guy. I think I like him. When I am with him, I really like him. He's a real person and I love that. However, when I get away from him all of these worries about his expectations set in and I get all nervous...
This is where the lessons set it. I figured out these things:
1. I can be in charge of a situation. I can say no because I am not obligated to yes.
2. I am obligated (not only to myself, but also to whatever guy) to say what I need to say (yes or no) because being the most myself now is the most of the way to be honest now and later.
3. It's no big deal if I don't meet his expectations (because I don't really know this person).
4. I don't know if this is forever. and that's okay.
I have to take time to know who I am, and where I am okay, and who he is and where he is okay. This, more than ever before, is the time when I absolutely must take care of myself. It's not yet time for me to take care of him. Right now he is still responsible for taking care of him. I love how very true that is.
Today is day one of Candace's self-care project. Today's self care for me was painting my fingers while watching Mrs. Doubtfire.
P.S. Posting while trying to watch T.V. is a pain. Mostly because there is this commercial out right now for some stupid horror movie that keeps giving me nightmares, so every time is comes on I have to jump to change the channel. Grrr....