Monday, September 28, 2009

Cold, colder, and coldest

I have a cold. At least I think it's a cold. It could be swine flu. It could be functional breakdown of my lungs. But I'm pretty sure it's just a cold. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

It is getting colder outside. I love this. I get to wear boots and wool and scarves and everything good about life. But this means that I am colder during my cold.

The coldest kiss of my life occurred on Saturday night. I kissed a coworker. Bad Bad cold horrifying idea. Never ever do this. EVER. I mean, I'm not into this guy AT ALL. I don't know what I was thinking. No I do actually. I was thinking, "This is such a bad idea". Why? you may ask, did I kiss him anyway? The answer is this: I have absolutely no idea. Gah! I hate that.

The great part is we both laughed it off in the office this morning, and it isn't going to be a big deal. And that is great. But now I have a cold, and am missing my favorite part of the year (the colder part) and I have to live with the fact that there is something amazing in a kiss... something amazing that I am not finding in the kisses I am finding... because they have been coldest. Because I don't love, or really even like, the men I kiss. So something to learn I guess.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

One huge sigh before bed...

I saw a movie tonight. Julie and Julia or whatever. I cried.

I presented twice today. I had 4 events. I closed sales. I succeeded. I received no recognition from my boss.

I read an entire book in between my presentations. That really says something for the extreme lack of intellectual content of said book (admittedly I occasionally enjoy some very cheesy chick-fiction, to balance out my obsession with Louis L'Amour).

I wore my new purple heels (wedges, 4 inches, rounded toe, suede).

I recognized my loneliness. I thought, when I began my journey toward emotional honesty, that recognition, admission, and acceptance were the path to happy and healthy days. But really they are just the path to recognition, admission, and acceptance.

I talked to Virgil. I got nervous, and I miss him. and I hate that about myself.

Today I know these things:
I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I think I could love my job. I certainly have before! Mostly, I am disappointed in my boss. And utterly unafraid of her, which never bodes well. I will plug along until March. But today I feel like punching her in the mouth and watching her teeth fall out. I feel like beating her at her own game. I feel like dating the man she loves but can't have, just to spite her. I will do none of these things, but I have thought about all of them.

I hate 6 day work weeks. I love being productive and busy, but I hate being at work that much.
Only a few more weeks of this and I can slow down again.

I miss my grandmothers. Both of them are no longer fully present, either because of speech and physical impairment or because of mental decline. They are here and not. And I miss them. I miss the certainty of their pies, the sureness of their hands in teaching me, even the harshness of their tones at my failure to exceed expectations. They are so alike.

I miss having single friends who had endless amounts of time for me and for each other.

Under no circumstances do I want Alaskabenji to move to Seattle. As much as I love him, and because I love him, I do not want him here. I am wise enough to know that it would hurt too much. I think he and I were never meant to be friends. There is something in me that creates a reaction in him that is just plain mean. That reaction in him creates a reaction in me that is just plain pathetic and weepy. But I love his friendship on the phone. I do not want it in my personal life.

JDBman is so over. You probably guessed this already, but as much as I thought he was my perfect imperfection (see previous posts) I was wrong, and now I see that he is secretly very normal. A wonderful human being and my favorite friend in this city nonetheless.

I would like my uncle back. He made me special. and I just plain miss him.

I am going to tell choirboy (who called and asked me on another date... and I said yes, even though I didn't want to), that I am not interested. Before! said date. Because I am not a mean person. And because I can't practice avoidance.

I am 25. I can't decide if that is old or not. I can't decide if I should feel desperate enough to try eharmony instead of Match, which I gave up because I hated dating men I didn't know.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Warmth fills me for many reasons. Sometimes because I am easy and joyful and right in me. Sometimes because I am angry and hateful. Sometimes because I am passionate. Sometimes because I am ashamed. Today because I am anticipating warmth. For Winter and Fall are seasons of warmth.

Rereading my past is never easy. I am finding necessity though in this practice. Mostly because my life is so singular right now, that I have to read my past experiences to invoke the pieces of me I am not currently engaging, but that are still there. So that in this present I can be present.

There are causes that force reactions in me. Whenever I feel vulnerable or scared I react hurtfully by pretending I am not hurt, not scared, not vulnerable. Sometimes I am so good at pretending that I don't remember what I said, because my heart didn't really say it, but fear spoke for me. And I didn't listen. I just huddled up and let fear protect me. So when all is said and done, I know that I have retaliated against harm, without sufficiently protecting myself, and remaining aware only that I harmed the one that harmed me, but with no idea of how I accomplished it. Yuck. Then I just have to deal with feeling foolish later... and deal with still feeling hurt later... and deal with feeling horrible for causing harm later.

And yet there is this warmth of settling in to deal. Settling in to love. Settling in means cleaning up the dirty closets, wrapping up bandages, smoothing the blankets, and creating a space to nestle in with tea, without feeling the anxiety of the mess waiting to be handled. Settling in to deal means I have to work hard so that I can have peace to relax. But it's great because then I don't have to work hard to push aside the hard work that will eventually have to be done so that I can relax now. Because that is escaping and escaping doesn't accomplish much when you abuse it the way I have. Instead I can clean a little each day and relax a little each day, and eventually I will find myself at home in a space I already own.

So say hello to warmth. I've set out tea. Care for a cuppa?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So much time. So little progress.

This weekend, the labor day one, I had such a great opportunity. My apartment was empty, save me. My life was empty, save cleaning. I had time to spend with myself.

I cleaned. Success.
I hung out with only me.
I so did not invest.

I didn't have the energy to look at me. I didn't have the energy to ask me about me. I was being an introvert.

If you think getting to know me is any less extroverting than getting to know another, you are sadly mistaken. It takes the same emotional energy, because I don't trust me anymore than I trust other people. And because I am just as high maintenance as other people. Because I really do need way too much attention.

So tonight's homework: a started (just started, not finished) list of things I like about me.

So far I have one (and since I am watching the Premier of GLEE, I am not get much further):
I like that I am unabashedly unafraid of love.

That's it.

So far.

love. you.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A quest

First you should know the plan.

I want to start my new adventure in March. Right after my review and my bonus check for the 2009 year. March is 6-7 months away. Depending on how you look at it.

Here are the current adventure possibilities:
1. Boston
2. Virginia
3. Alaska
4. Israel Relations Coordinator (the job I was casually offered today!!!!!) here in Seattle. Holy Ishmael.

Now for the quest.

Because I have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go, or whatever, and I am just wondering around in the fog (thanks for the metaphor Jess) waiting for life (or love) to step out of the mist and directly into my arms, I am going to try something.

I do not feel pursued. Ever... or at least rarely. I do not feel necessary or wanted or valuable. This does not mean I hate myself or feel that I am not worth something, that I couldn't be something. It means that I feel like I can't figure out why I am not wildly pursued by the people who know me. I mean, mostly, I think I am pretty great (I am smiling pretty hugely right now) but, mostly, I also feel unwanted. I want something to pursue me. Some community, some person, some life. I want to know. Because knowing my friend... is half the battle.

But it's the other half I am going to tackle. It's the pursuit part. So my quest is myself. I am going to try pursuing myself. I don't know what that means, but just like trying to pursue someone else, I am going to blunder around until I get it right. I am giving myself 6-7 months, to "fall in love" with me. And see what happens. It might not work. I think I have learned, or am well into learning, how to take care of myself. At least, if nothing else, I now understand that that is possible. I don't know what it is to "love myself". I am really uncomfortable saying that. I don't like it. I feel stupid. But I felt stupid when I started talking about taking care of myself too.

My hope is that toward the end, the attempt at love will at least give me some idea of the knowing. So that I can do the one thing I know I want... a new adventure.

So watch for the quest updates. I will let you know what I figure out. What I don't like. What I love. And hopefully someday, what I want.