Monday, June 29, 2009


I dreamt last night that JDBman was sent to Afghanistan for his third tour. And that he died there. And that there was no one to tell me he died. Until I went there and met the man who killed him (I know that that part is ridiculously unrealistic, but it was a dream). I woke up crying. Again ridiculous.

I went back to sleep. I dreamt that I faced these men in Afghanistan and I wept in front of them. I wept their own pain. I wept their anger. I felt none of my own emotion. This frustrated me.

The frustration stems from the fact that I am more comfortable loving men who kill my friends and letting them know that I love them, than I am telling my friends that I love them. It's bizarre. Maybe it's more than bizarre. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's everything I tell myself that I am not.

Regardless, this has me thinking about things. Where is the line between my own cowardice and wanting to be pursued? Is it more important to keep my mouth shut and know that I am wanted or to open my mouth and know that courage in love is greater than fear of rejection. I've never asked myself this question before. Because I have always assumed it was wrong for me to consider it.

Meh, the petty meanderings of a single girl. How I love that these things are not the end of the world.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Endorphins, Efficacy, and Evangelism

Exercise amazes me. It really is a balm for the soul and an outlet for all things unholy. Anger, passion, overdrive, anxiety, and fear all melt away as the endorphins release and peace settles in. Lately I have not been exercising as much as I should (indeed very little at all). However this time of reclaiming me, I have found that I am happy to reclaim exercise. May I just share with you my favorite work out space. I can visit any YMCA in the greater Seattle area and work out, for less than I would pay at a gym, and I am supporting one of my favorite not-for-profits. I take a quick five block jaunt down the street from work, I exercise, I jaunt back to my car and TADA! I am calm, happy, and energized little girl. I adore running (or gliding is generally more accurate) and reading my Vanity Fair or my newest collection of short stories by Matthew Volmer at the same time. Just thinking about it makes me settle down.

Last night as my little feet were gliding away and sweat was poring down my back, I was reading about Bernie Madoff's sons and how they are dealing with the tragedy that has struck their family in the form of their father's horrid display of human indecency. I was sad to be reading the article in the first place, mostly because it was just gossip mongering (and a generally lower form of it than I would expect from my dear Vanity Fair), but also because so many people are so angry about this whole scam, and rightfully so? Maybe. I don't know. I am troubled that there are people throwing punches, curse words and threats over the million dollars they just lost. I understand that is a formidable amount of money, but do they not see that running for sympathy to people who will not make that much money in the whole of their lives is ridiculous? I am sadder for the sons who are taking the blame for their father's crime, than I am for the employees and investors kicking and screaming because they have to sell their yacht and pull their children out of the 40K/yr private schools they attend. Maybe that is a little harsh, maybe I just think it is ridiculous that there are that many people with that much money in this world, and still we cannot seem to feed the starving in our own country let alone those in remainder of the world. It is entirely possible (and perhaps more likely) that this feeling has spawned from the many musings rolling around in my head lately. - so that long tangent is to get to the point of efficacy.

I adore efficacy. Sometimes I forget my fondness for abstinence and the way that it feeds my soul. This can be evidenced in my love for Lent. I relate efficacy and abstinence for some reason. Maybe because keeping thing simple is the easiest way to keep things efficient. I am not sure. In my recent journey to discover how to not base my relationship with Christ and the Church on sin, I have in many instances given up my love for abstinence and obedience to delve into experiences and moments that are not driven by my fear of sin. As I am learning (and daily practicing) my new skill set, which allows me to live with Jesus outside of and irregardless of sin, I am finding that I can practice many forms of efficacy (abstinence, simplicity, obedience, monasticism, etc) because of the pure pleasure it brings to my soul, and not because I think it will make me a better Christian, or less of a sinner, or whatever other guilt-bound reasoning I have previously used to explain why these practices were so endearing to me. I do not know why I love efficacy, but I do know that there is nothing which can help me more to realize Christ in my daily life.

Listling of my efficacy as of late:
1. I have not eaten out (save father's day) in two weeks. at all... not even for coffee.
2. Gym. hmmm...
3. reading me some N.T. Wright before bed, followed by a fairy tale from this book
4. No make up (this is due as much to my recent bout of pink eye as it is to efficacy but has been refreshing nonetheless)

It is amazing how balanced I feel in these practices of efficacy. I know I am saving copious amounts of money by not eating out. I know that I am gaining peace by working out. I know that I am feeding my brain health food, rather than the fast food I generally indulge in. And every day I have gone sans make up I have received so many compliments (IE. Your skin looks great!, Well, you look radiant today., Did you do something different? You look so fresh and young. ) Still, again, the best part about all of this is knowing that it has nothing to do with the fact that I am avoiding guilt and sin in these practices. I am practicing them because I am feeding my soul and for this reason I am proud of myself. For this reason I think I may have found my sermon topic. For this reason, I have once again found my love of evangelism (by evangelism, I mean protestantism... I still see evangelism as necessary practice, but one in which I will not participate unless specifically told to do so by Jesus).

The return of my love for evangelism has come with the remembrance that it does in fact feed my soul to be both protestant and catholic. I have chosen this not because it is a calling (although it may be), not because I am avoiding sin (although I may be :P ), not because I want to teach you something (although I do), but because it feeds my soul. Rest. I am who I am.

To your rest: May it be healthy and peaceful,


P.S. My next post may be about affirmation, falling in love, Alaska, or it may be about something altogether new and different!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

In preparation

July 12th, 3 days after my 25th birthday, I will speak in Church again. I have no assigned topic, and have been spending some serious time considering, researching, and writing to discover the story I wish to convey.
These are the topics I have covered in the past:
1. My father
2. The over accessibility of Christ (how to deal with how he speaks to me)
3. Post-modernity and modernity in the Church
4. Gomer

So far, I have nothing solid. I have considered talking about living in the Grey, and how that is not the same as holding a view opposite to those around you. This thought was birthed over dinner with the Morris'. I have been realizing that often I think I am "grey" because I am the black to the church's white, which is of course entirely untrue. I just am not sure where I would start or go with this idea. However, The Grey made me consider Pontifex, which is Latin for Bridge Builder, and the next tattoo I am planning for my body. The idea is my life a bridge builder between the Catholic and Protestant churches. But again, I don't know what this holds for anyone outside of myself. Pontifex made me consider what I have written in this space, and looking back on this year. I have considered talking about a year in the valley of the shadow of death, as 2009 is proving to be for me, but I do not know what hope I can offer in that topic. Lastly I have thought about talking about Jesus, but I have no idea what I would say. I feel that the topic of Christ is the topic for which I am least qualified, least prepared. My life with him is so solitary for me, so inexplicable, that I have no clue what I would say. I feel that my commitment to not base my life with Christ on sin in anyway, and the implications of that commitment, would shock those with whom I was sharing. Lastly, I thought maybe I should speak about 25 years in that church: What I've seen, who I have known, the tragedy, the growth, the love, the continuity, and the community of such a place. I don't know. Do you have thoughts?

I am preparing in this time, as well, for my trip to Alaska. My prayers are more fervent and excited than they have been in so long. I cannot begin to understand why I desire this trip so deeply. But oh how I want to be ready for anything. I am bolstering my courage, readying my spirit, working out to increase my body strength. I seriously want to be ready for anything. What is wrong with me?

Lastly, I am preparing to move to my new apartment. Packing begins on Saturday. I am excited.

That is all for now, because I am getting anxious to do something other than blog. and I am thirsty, and I want to be in Alaska now.

Bis Dann my loves,


Monday, June 15, 2009

because I love Jesus

Things I did this weekend... because I love Jesus.
1. Shot down a boy. because I love Jesus.
2. Went to church on four hours of sleep. because I love Jesus.
3. Paid a fatty check to go to Alaska. because I love Jesus.
4. Took time to relax and make cuppy cakes and watch ducklings and nap and read Things fall apart and eat dinner and discuss the church's role in social morality and watch Joel and Brain make fire and drink three cups of coffee at mom and dad's house with Jennifer. because I love Jesus.
5. I decided to really research something, which I will explain later. because I love Jesus.

So I shot down this boy. I've been seeing him a bit for a while, and the conversation of how far our relationship would go has not ever come up, until Saturday night. I shot him down... like big time. He understood, he said, "It's not a problem". I then said, "It's going to become a problem because I'm not going to change my mind... like ever and I made a promise of chastity, and well honey, you're not getting any." At this point it got very quiet. After a very long awkward silence he said, "why?". I got the biggest smile on my face, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Because I love Jesus." We talked about it a bit more. I told him I wouldn't be unfair, that I did not want to lead him on, that honesty and integrity were important to me. He said that he leaves for LA this week and will think about it while he's gone. This was a fabulous moment for me. I don't feel badly about my choice (and my friends the choice is made). More than anything else, what is great is that it is my choice, and I feel more myself because of it, even if I never see him again. Most importantly this is not about the sin (although I do recognize the importance of said sin, I have committed not to base my relationship with God on sin, and instead to base my relationship with God on Jesus, and Grace... I will discuss my theology on this in later, and earlier posts). This choice is about me being me. Because I am who I am. Because I made a promise to Jonathan Morris, that I would remain chaste. I kept my promise. And although I value Jonathan Morris and my commitment to him as my Pastor, I am more happy about the fact that I was me ... all of the way, and that I am not embarrassed about it. Does that make sense? I may have to explain it to Mr. Date further, but I know so definitely that this is my choice. This is a big deal for two reasons: 1, My choices have a tendency to be more about me being the person I am trying to please, rather than me being me and 2, I have found in this moment, that I have the ability to not sin without making sin/guilt my motivator for not sinning! Hallelujah. Maybe this seems straight forward to you, but learning to not motivate myself with guilt and sin has been (and may continue to be) a very long road for me.

Needless to say that on Saturday night (Sunday Morning?) I didn't get home until very late. I made a commitment last week, to myself and to Jesus, that I would attend church every Sunday until after I go to Alaska (btw, I AM GOING TO ALASKA!!! see next paragraph for more details). I was worried when I got in bed, that I would sleep right through my alarm and not make it to church. I prayed- I said Jesus, I made this commitment to you, help me keep it. Please wake me up. I rarely pray before bed, because I often fall asleep before I get my prayer out, but that night I prayed. The next morning my alarm went off at 8:30. I shut off the alarm and thought, Rebecca you are crazy, you can't do this, you are way too tired, just admit that you screwed up by coming home so late, you are guilty, embrace it and go back to sleep. So I closed my eyes and intended to go back to sleep. But then, I felt a jolt of energy, I opened those eyes, I smiled and I said HECK NO TECHNO! I'm going to church! and up I got. I was 15 minutes late for church, but I was there by golly. And it was ridiculously wonderful.

While at church, I wrote a check for more than 1 months rent, and I am going to ALASKA! I seriously don't think I have been this excited about anything in years. I can't stop talking about it, reading about it, loving about it. Seriously. So I have a Benji in Alaska, who was and is a good friend of mine from Multnomah. I loved him then, and by golly, I love him now. He is the worship pastor? for a small church plant in Juneau. Coincidentally, Jonathan is very close with the pastor of said Church plant and is taking a "mission team" to Juneau to help them build a yurt and do some other stuff. I decided a while back that I wanted to visit my Benji this summer, and now I am going to visit him, with a purpose. I really don't know why I am so excited. I mean I am happy to see Benji. I am happy to build a yurt. But I am ECSTATIC about going to Alaska. I just really can't wait. I think this has something to do with Jesus.

After church, I went to Jen and Brian's house to hang out. I played the farming game with Brain. He beat me. The filthy bastard. And I made cuppy cakes with Jenn, while listening to Pandora's Madonna station. yeah baby. And I napped after reading 1 chapter of Things fall apart. And I had dinner with Joel, and Mom, and Dad, and Jenn, and Brain. And it was fabu. Sunday relaxo time because I love Jesus.

Because I love Jesus, I love this little me, and am learning to love this little me very well, and I am loving it! Because of all of that, I have delving into myself to know what this little me wants to do with the next part of this little life. I think I want to do some sort of church admin. The Catholic Church has degrees in this kind of ministry. I am committed to research this, to talking to people who have done it, and to be curious about something other than my previously committed and still well loved, near eastern studies.

So Jesus. I love you. And Becca, I love you too. And Internet, you are just the peachiest peach. And friends. welcome to my world.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Exhaustion overwhelms

All I want to do lately is watch old 90210 episodes and sit on the sofa with no thoughts running through my head. I think this means I am working too hard and too much. Or maybe that the sunshine is getting to me.

I dreamt this song last night. And I've been singing it all day. It was the background to mountains and oceans and kayaks and camping.

This braver life I've come to know
begins to beat my very soul
I cannot wait to hold
your hand

All you are is sweet surrender
the hope that only you can render
I cannot wait to hold
your hand

I see you
I touch you
I feel you
I dream you

I breathe you
I want you
I hope you
I know you

This braver life you'll come to know
when I begin to share my soul
you cannot wait to hold
my hand.

All we seek is sweet surrender
the hope we can surely muster
you are the son of His
right hand.

To know you
to hold you
to see you
to breath you...

when once again I hold
your hand.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

brave enough for love

Is it possible, dear friends, that I am not brave enough for love?
This love that is chosen, and yet not provided?
Do I give hope and then dash dreams?
Do I trust hope and fall endlessly with hopes demise?

Is it plausible, dear one, that I could suffer a cowardly love?
One given and received not by its power, its humanity, its consuming nature?
but for its convenience, safety and lust?
Would I be so wretched?

Dear Friends, I know not my capacity for love. For that I rely completely on you. I hope you are pleased with your burden. I hope it tastes like brie and crackers, cold broccoli salad with apple slices, a glass of deeply red shiraz, finished with moscato and dark chocolate.

Dear One, know this: I will not suffer a cowardly love. I will choose this lonely life if I cannot burn with passion with you. Be safe in the knowledge that if you are that cowardly, you will not have to suffer through the weeping in bed during late night showings of The Reader. Fear the knowledge that I have never proven my bravery, and possibly never will. I know this is my greatest fear: that I will never know my capacity for a passionate love... it is my hope that you know this capacity of mine, but it is my very soul's journey that I know this love in me.