Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Scotland Burning

I dreamt last night that I was passionately in love with a faceless man. I woke up this morning and could not decide who he was.

I dreamt last night that I worked for the Pope. All day I have been deeply considering an administrative or directorial role in the Catholic Church. Some how that kind of ministry seems so right. Like working for Mark Carter only times 1 million.

Dreams often haunt my reality. This is partially why I watch movies in the morning, to avoid feeling all day the remnants and shadows of those powerful emotions that rack my soul through the night. I am amazed at my capacity to feel while sleeping, when all inhibitions are gone and there is no one to see my embarrassment. I love that. I want to live that.

Today I found out that my favorite coworker is "no longer with the company". My boss told me not to show so many of my emotions about the "transition" on my face and in my voice. I wanted to tell her punch herself in the face. (Really my brain had a much more forceful and explicit response to her suggestions, but I have been decidedly diligent about keeping this blog "family friendly"). I relayed to her that she has seen me through four "transitions" (transition means a coworker leaves the company and I am required to take over their job duties) in my 1.5 years with this company, and she knows that this is what I am like in times of change. I take my time adjusting, especially when I don't know what I am walking into. Her response? "You'll be fine."

Of course I will be fine. I excel at fine. However, I will not be untrue to myself by pretending I am not concerned. I understand that she is concerned about keeping a healthy office environment, as a full uprising in such a time of change would be no good for anyone. I can do my job, be professional, and excel at fine, and still be upset.

I choose to be upset. I choose to respond appropriately to the burning of Scotland, by screaming FIRE FIRE FIRE! and not watch my loved ones burn with a look of calm professionalism on my face.

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