Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Like shooting a sitting duck...

Abba has provided me with today's post title. The song goes like this "It was like shooting a sitting duck. A little small talk, a smile, and baby, I was stuck. I still don't know what you've done to me. A grown up woman should never fall so easily."

I have not fallen in love. Don't worry. I won't spring it on you like that. You'll know before I do, I'm sure...

I am, however, having one of the most fabulous days. A Patient Bass from choir asked me out last night, after nearly two months of waiting. So we will have dinner tomorrow night, and see what comes. Turns out he is older than I had thought, but still only 9 years my senior (almost to the day... he was born on the 4th of July... hehe). I am happy. Work is turning into one of the most splendiferous days I have had in the office in quite some time as I am doing quite well in my respective climate. This turned my happy day into a wonderful day. My mother is caring for herself, which made my wonderful day into a fabulous day. My weekend became unexpectedly open just five minutes ago, which turned my fabulous day into an incomprehensible, oh no when is the bad news going to hit, Please Jesus don't take this away, kind of day. The point is, if it is really so easy to make me float on a cloud of incomprehensible joy, why has it been so difficult to find this wonderful spot of fabulous fluttering freedom that is imbibing my veins, my heart, indeed my very soul? Oh how I can't tell you how I love this moment.

I have recently (as in twice in the last week) watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Several spots in this movie moved me, and I must admit that it was much better than the first. One moment I love, is when reepacheep's tail is regrown by Aslan. Aslan does this not for reepacheep's pride, or humility, or loyalty, but "for the love of your people". I adore this. Next, and this is the thought provoking one that made me write about the movie in the first place, was when King Peter says, "It is not what I expected but it is alright, I think." Allow me to show you what I expected.

Father Avram

I know. He's beautiful. Wanting what we can't have, and especially when that thing is had by something much greater than ourselves and to a greater end, is disappointing in a way that is so right it does not seem human. Or possibly it is so human that it is incomprehensible to this me that is still learning the most of the humanity. Don't think I am crazy for crushing on a Priest. It's not like a normal crush. It's like my crush on John Prendergast or George Clooney or Don Cheadle. It's the kind where I would marry any of them (though all of them are either married, strongly connected, or celibate) in this very moment, just because of the men they have made of themselves, even if they are not the most fabulous people (although I childishly believe them to the most perfected imperfect men I've encountered still living today). This is also how I feel about Jesus. I would follow him (and His Father) into eternity, just because of what they are... even if who they are turns out to be really horrifying.

However, I am thinking today, that maybe this is not the best of all things. Possibly what is best, is not what I expect, but something altogether different. And that may just be alright. Or possibly acknowledging that there are things that I would pine for, even while knowing that having them is not right. For example, I would never want a priest to leave the priesthood for me. That would be wrong in the worst way. So maybe it is not horrible to acknowledge what I want, what is there for me, and what I can't have... like unrequited love and its nobility. Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about.


1 comment:

Iscah Mara said...

wow - he really is beautiful. fingers crossed for marriage in the priesthood.