Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Things you should know...

There are people I truly admire from afar. I don't talk about them, but I web stalk them like there is no tomorrow. For example, there is a Ms.Umberdove, whom I really think everyone should try to emulate. Not only is she gorgeous, and ridiculously brave, she is conscientious and fastidious and really a whole lot of fun. She makes things. And she made me two things that sit on my bed, adorning my lovely creamy bed spread with just the right hints of blue that tie so nicely to the painting that hangs above. And all I had to do was tell her a color and off she went to create majesty. Really... you should know her. The point, though, in telling you about her was because she is making some really remarkable things right now... which you should totally check out at her blog. Right now.

I have discovered that I am a cheesy girl that loves romance. Which is rather surprising. And I love to cuddle and be held... again surprising. I haven't liked these things before, but now... oh now.... they seem like special treats to be so very dearly treasured. And may I just tell you that being asked out on a date by your boyfriend is so much more exciting than I ever thought it would be.

Likewise, I have decided that this whole loss of identity thing when Grandpa died, is still with me. I mean, I guess I've just recognized it again. Still I want him here. I want him to see and know me again. I want his input on my life and his blessing on my decisions. I want to hear his voice call me "Baby" just one more time. I wasn't ready, am not ready, to get over this... still.

Rest is hard to come by and when it comes I am having the most difficult time turning it down. I don't know exactly what to do about that because I find myself not accomplishing as much these days because I am reveling in my alone time, in my down time, in my reading time, in any time I can have to do as I choose. I don't know why this is. Usually I am so super motivated to do everything I need to do in order fulfill not only my social obligations but also my social desires... but lately... I'm just not.

So that's all for today. Again... Check out the Umberdove.... at

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Practically Peaceful

It's been a week since I last saw my boyfriend, or Scrubs, as we are now supposed to be calling him. A week was supposed to be easy. And it wasn't terribly difficult, but it is now, 36 hours before I will actually see him, wretched. I'm a little frustrated with myself.

I am a fairly independent person. I did singleness very very well... and I liked it, A LOT! I thought a week would be like peanut butter and jelly, a great way to nourish my soul without being difficult to prepare for. I was wrong.

On Thursday we got good news. Scrubs will be staying in Seattle for his residency. See there was chance that he would get into a hospital program somewhere far away (or close by but still not Seattle). I was ready for that, for the possibility of long distance or of moving. But somehow having him stay is just as hard. Now I know he will be here, but I still won't be able to see him. And then I realize I still have my own life to live.

See, I really like this guy. He looks good on me. He suits me. And so a big part of me wants to let him consume my life. But that can't happen, either practically or rationally. I have to have my own life, because he has to have his own life. Residency will be long and hard. But also, I need to maintain my independence, because I've been swallowed by a relationship before, and by the time I discovered it, the only way I knew to fix it was to get out. And I don't want to do that this time.

So I am working on continuing to live my life. This means that I have to continue to find change. I have to continue to look for a new job and apply and find my own happiness, because even though I find immense happiness in Scrubs, he won't often be around. So I still have a life to build, and ironically, more impetus to actually build it.

This is a wonderful Sunday Morning Exultation. The sun is shining, my heart is beaming, and I get to go see my sister. My life is waiting for me outside that door. And tomorrow when I finally see this wonderful man, I will be happy to see him because he is him, and not because he is me. And that just so totally rocks.

Monday, March 14, 2011

For reals

Dating for reals is so very different than dating for fun. It's way more fun... but it takes SO much more energy. Feeling this much this often might eventually drive me crazy.

I'm feeling less afraid. Still nervous often and still often scared, but so much less so. I just have to keep breathing and keep processing. It's a lot of work. I can't believe how much more sleep I need now. It's a little ridiculous.

But this guy is pretty great. Lillian chose his name. Scrubs. Cause then he has a theme song, "I'm no Superman..." and because he is a doctor. He's a doctor. I like that part.

I still don't know what I'm doing with someone so much more emotionally advanced than I am. We don't match. From the outside I look good. I dress well, I am overly confident, I have it all. He is quiet and serious and a complete nerd. But on the inside I am huge mess and fall apart all over the place. I'm not well put together or confident at all. He is all put together and knows exactly what he is doing. On the inside he's the cool kid and I am the shy and quiet nerd.

It's a little surreal. Cause I have a boyfriend. And I like him a lot.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Well I guess I did it...

Terrifyingly enough I met a boy and we are something. I don't know exactly what we are, because I don't care much for labels and so until he labels it, I'm certainly not going to. Even typing this makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear and joy.

So Boy is wonderful. Exactly as wonderful as I knew he would be. But I am terrified. And I'm going to have to tell him. And should I even be blogging about this since he may find my blog? Probably not, but oh well because let's face it, I blog about everything. Mostly, I think I am just afraid of being that person again... like I was with Andrew. The one who eats and destroys the souls of men who love her... yeah that one. I don't want to get so afraid of him becoming a part of me that I push him away. I need to CALM DOWN REBECCA! Geez. And I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Mostly, I am absolutely certain that if I am just honest with him he will make it ok. He is fabulous and I have no doubt that if I can just get over myself, calm down, and talk to him, that he will impress me yet again.

So the whole point of the post (it has rabbit trailed so so far) was to say that I was worried in not too distant posts that I wasn't capable of a relationship, but I think that's what this might be. I am proud of myself, even if it hasn't been that long. It really is scary, but he really is great.

Also, I very much need to come up with his internet name. I don't know if I'm just not feeling creative or if it just hasn't come yet. Boy is obviously not going to work. I'm going to need something more substantial.

Oh and I just remembered this. Julie asked me today, if this is what I wanted for just today. And this is absolutely what I want for today.