Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A certain newness

The passing of death brings a certain newness to live. When Death sweeps down over one's world, that moment of sheer reality settles in a new way into our views of tomorrow, and of today. I have known this newness.

I feel fresh, and yet darkened by my recent life. As though there is hope because something ended, leaving space for something to begin, and yet, I cannot shake the despair that haunts me because after all of my work, nothing could prevent the inevitable pain. Love is like this. I know it's going to hurt, no matter who I love, or where, or when, or how. But I walk into anyway, because there just is no other choice.

There is most decidedly a new perspective on peace. I desire it so fully now, that I even annoy myself when I seek to be the person those around me will recognize. I recognize me, but I fear no one else will. I also no longer have confidence in what I want.

Right now, for a couple of weeks now, I have wanted nothing more than to teach children. What is that? I want to teach preschool again. Alas this job will never pay enough, but how I want it. Maybe it's not even that. I want to feel that old value of my job, that there is growth possible, change imminent, and success achievable. That is readily, daily, hourly available in a preschool, and it comes custom wrapped in cute, snotty, messy, and lovable three year olds. I miss it.

More superficially, there are two men right now. One adores me (direct quote "thinks you walk on water"... hehe) but has not asked me out. I am frustrated by this. One can't make up his mind. He has the girl he wants but can't have in New York, the girl he has but doesn't want in DC, and me, the girl he talks to all the time and watches LOST with. I do not want the second. I just don't know what to do with him. If I thought I could get away with it I would take him outside, smack his face, and then sit him down for a lecture about what it means to grow up. The first one however, is a little boring, but normal. I could use a little normal at the moment.

So, I wish you all a happy Tuesday. I will sing tonight, and sleep after drinking.

PS. Watch this movie: Then She Found Me
PPS. Here is another bit of newness:

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