Alaskabenji came to see me this weekend. He was with us Friday night and Sunday night. Friday night was short and sweet. Sunday night was long and lovely. In between he went to Portland and I lived my normal life.
Saturday morning came quickly after my very late night with Alaskabenji. I was up and at 'em at 7:00, off to Cupcake Royale to take thank you sweets and coffee to my coworkers for all of the hard work they have put in on my behalf in the last month or so. Afterward I went home and rested a bit, got ready for choir and off I went. After choir I went to my neph's 2nd birthday. He is so big and his vocabulary is so amazing. I love that little kid.
Sunday was lovely. Cloudy with a Chance of meatballs in 3D with the close fam. Not only was it my first 3D movie (It gave me a headache...) but the story was adorable and brotherBen's laugh made it all fabulous. Afterward Alaskabenji came back and we had beers and cigars at Schultzy's with BenandJess. I slept (sort of) for 1.5 hours on the floor of my living room while Aladdin played in the background. It was a sweet short sleep. I have to say if I could keep Alaskabenji around only when I wanted him, I would be a happy camper. There are days I most certainly would send him back to the arctic, but other days I would keep him close by.
Christmas is in full swing. Every year I celebrate Christmas from October 15th-30th. I love it. It's just for me. I watched my two favorite Christmas movies this weekend with two of my favorite people. Friday night, while waiting for Alaskabenji to arrive, Jessica and I watched The Family Stone. If you have not seen this movie, then you have not seen the man I want to marry (Mr. Luke Wilson at his finest... except that one scene in The Royal Tennenbaum's when he cuts himself shaving. Holy Ishmael). I just love this movie and I cry every single time, during that last scene, around the Christmas tree, when Luke cries, "Then cried Max, 'Let the wild rumpus start!". Great flick. The other movie I watched on Sunday night. ELF is the best Christmas movie in the whole world. I also cry every time I see this one, right near the end, when the dad starts to sing and Santa's sleigh can finally fly after years of not having enough Christmas spirit. I love it. People raising their voices in the joy of humanity and in faith. It's seriously beautiful. This moment was particularly great this time. Although there is no fireplace in my apartment, I was warm and comfortable snuggled neatly under a blanket my mother made and placed ever so perfectly in crook of an Alaskan arm.
Needless to say, I was exhausted at work on Monday, and all I wanted to do was shout, "Not now Arctic Puffin!" every time someone tried to talk to me... but I made it through and now it is Tuesday.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
One Flight Down
I flew away this weekend to see my Julie and her Tim. It was a fabulous holiday of relaxation, rest, with the occasional romp. I am tired today, but only due to the 4:30 AM rising and the sleepless flight home.
Friday night was nosh, wine, and banter. Tim went to bed fairly quickly, but Julie and I stayed up until the wee hours catching up and remembering each other. It was lovely to be in the presence of a person who knows me so well despite the fact that we don't talk regularly, and see each other even less. I love this girl.
Saturday begin later than a normal Saturday for me, which was lovely, and after coffee with Tim (on his coffee break at Mermaid prison) we shared lunch and a walk. The most delightful moment came while watching The Holiday. We found that Julie did not know what Manischewitz is. We immediately stopped the film and went to the BevMo, for no Old Testament Major should be lacking a Manischewitz experience. We came home and worked on dinner, and drank that sweet kosher wine. After more wine (of the non-kosher variety), a couple of lemon drops, and a fabulous steak dinner, the three of us donned our dapper dans and headed to midtown for a night of what we thought would bring drinking, art, and city life.
Let me say this: Saturday night was SO much fun. However, it held very little of the expected (indeed promised) entertainment. We met up with acquaintances of theirs from church, and had a beer. Just one. How this makes me smile even now. Post beer we decided the restaurant had lost its charm and decided to move on to a more happening joint. After walking a few blocks we discovered that we had no direction. So we stopped to discuss with the six that had joined us. Turns out one of them decided to come downtown for drinks without her ID or any money. So we kept walking. Finally fed up, I turned to all of them and said, "Okay, so what are we doing? I know we can't go to a bar, but since I'm not from here you all have to give me ideas." The ID-slacker suggested a dessert place a few blocks away. "Lead the way!" I said enthusiastically. We got lost once, but finally made it. In a cute little fifties diner, we sat at a table, and no one ordered anything. Tim, being the gentleman and a food service employee, did the right thing and ordered us some cheesecake. We three enjoyed, while the other six stared on. Who are these people! I was appalled. Post dessert we gave up on them and went home.
The evening was a fun romping for Julie, Tim and I. We had a fabulous time joking and bashing about. One of the six was an attentive young man named Bryan who seemed impressed that a Christian girl could hold her own in the big city. Not being of the Christ persuasion, he casually attends church, but seems lost in himself, trying to not be the boy he was, but uncertain of the man he will be. I can relate to that, and had a great time letting him understand that Christians are not all like the five young friends he had come with that evening.
Sunday Church was interesting. The group has potential but definitely can use the outsiders perspective as they seem to miss some important relational interactions. There are unspoken crushes that could cause problems, spoken sermons that are not intended for the newbies (or even the non-congregants), fears and insecurities about what the heck they are all doing there, excitement about the possibilities and provisions before them, and an overall lack of forethought -regardless of how much time they spend on forethought. I believe they will be fine. Growing pains are always hard.
Overall, the weekend was glorious and relaxing. I have found a new escape.
-B.
PS. I bought a new purse. mmmm. accessories.
Friday night was nosh, wine, and banter. Tim went to bed fairly quickly, but Julie and I stayed up until the wee hours catching up and remembering each other. It was lovely to be in the presence of a person who knows me so well despite the fact that we don't talk regularly, and see each other even less. I love this girl.
Saturday begin later than a normal Saturday for me, which was lovely, and after coffee with Tim (on his coffee break at Mermaid prison) we shared lunch and a walk. The most delightful moment came while watching The Holiday. We found that Julie did not know what Manischewitz is. We immediately stopped the film and went to the BevMo, for no Old Testament Major should be lacking a Manischewitz experience. We came home and worked on dinner, and drank that sweet kosher wine. After more wine (of the non-kosher variety), a couple of lemon drops, and a fabulous steak dinner, the three of us donned our dapper dans and headed to midtown for a night of what we thought would bring drinking, art, and city life.
Let me say this: Saturday night was SO much fun. However, it held very little of the expected (indeed promised) entertainment. We met up with acquaintances of theirs from church, and had a beer. Just one. How this makes me smile even now. Post beer we decided the restaurant had lost its charm and decided to move on to a more happening joint. After walking a few blocks we discovered that we had no direction. So we stopped to discuss with the six that had joined us. Turns out one of them decided to come downtown for drinks without her ID or any money. So we kept walking. Finally fed up, I turned to all of them and said, "Okay, so what are we doing? I know we can't go to a bar, but since I'm not from here you all have to give me ideas." The ID-slacker suggested a dessert place a few blocks away. "Lead the way!" I said enthusiastically. We got lost once, but finally made it. In a cute little fifties diner, we sat at a table, and no one ordered anything. Tim, being the gentleman and a food service employee, did the right thing and ordered us some cheesecake. We three enjoyed, while the other six stared on. Who are these people! I was appalled. Post dessert we gave up on them and went home.
The evening was a fun romping for Julie, Tim and I. We had a fabulous time joking and bashing about. One of the six was an attentive young man named Bryan who seemed impressed that a Christian girl could hold her own in the big city. Not being of the Christ persuasion, he casually attends church, but seems lost in himself, trying to not be the boy he was, but uncertain of the man he will be. I can relate to that, and had a great time letting him understand that Christians are not all like the five young friends he had come with that evening.
Sunday Church was interesting. The group has potential but definitely can use the outsiders perspective as they seem to miss some important relational interactions. There are unspoken crushes that could cause problems, spoken sermons that are not intended for the newbies (or even the non-congregants), fears and insecurities about what the heck they are all doing there, excitement about the possibilities and provisions before them, and an overall lack of forethought -regardless of how much time they spend on forethought. I believe they will be fine. Growing pains are always hard.
Overall, the weekend was glorious and relaxing. I have found a new escape.
-B.
PS. I bought a new purse. mmmm. accessories.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Cold, colder, and coldest
I have a cold. At least I think it's a cold. It could be swine flu. It could be functional breakdown of my lungs. But I'm pretty sure it's just a cold. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.
It is getting colder outside. I love this. I get to wear boots and wool and scarves and everything good about life. But this means that I am colder during my cold.
The coldest kiss of my life occurred on Saturday night. I kissed a coworker. Bad Bad cold horrifying idea. Never ever do this. EVER. I mean, I'm not into this guy AT ALL. I don't know what I was thinking. No I do actually. I was thinking, "This is such a bad idea". Why? you may ask, did I kiss him anyway? The answer is this: I have absolutely no idea. Gah! I hate that.
The great part is we both laughed it off in the office this morning, and it isn't going to be a big deal. And that is great. But now I have a cold, and am missing my favorite part of the year (the colder part) and I have to live with the fact that there is something amazing in a kiss... something amazing that I am not finding in the kisses I am finding... because they have been coldest. Because I don't love, or really even like, the men I kiss. So something to learn I guess.
It is getting colder outside. I love this. I get to wear boots and wool and scarves and everything good about life. But this means that I am colder during my cold.
The coldest kiss of my life occurred on Saturday night. I kissed a coworker. Bad Bad cold horrifying idea. Never ever do this. EVER. I mean, I'm not into this guy AT ALL. I don't know what I was thinking. No I do actually. I was thinking, "This is such a bad idea". Why? you may ask, did I kiss him anyway? The answer is this: I have absolutely no idea. Gah! I hate that.
The great part is we both laughed it off in the office this morning, and it isn't going to be a big deal. And that is great. But now I have a cold, and am missing my favorite part of the year (the colder part) and I have to live with the fact that there is something amazing in a kiss... something amazing that I am not finding in the kisses I am finding... because they have been coldest. Because I don't love, or really even like, the men I kiss. So something to learn I guess.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
One huge sigh before bed...
I saw a movie tonight. Julie and Julia or whatever. I cried.
I presented twice today. I had 4 events. I closed sales. I succeeded. I received no recognition from my boss.
I read an entire book in between my presentations. That really says something for the extreme lack of intellectual content of said book (admittedly I occasionally enjoy some very cheesy chick-fiction, to balance out my obsession with Louis L'Amour).
I wore my new purple heels (wedges, 4 inches, rounded toe, suede).
I recognized my loneliness. I thought, when I began my journey toward emotional honesty, that recognition, admission, and acceptance were the path to happy and healthy days. But really they are just the path to recognition, admission, and acceptance.
I talked to Virgil. I got nervous, and I miss him. and I hate that about myself.
Today I know these things:
I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I think I could love my job. I certainly have before! Mostly, I am disappointed in my boss. And utterly unafraid of her, which never bodes well. I will plug along until March. But today I feel like punching her in the mouth and watching her teeth fall out. I feel like beating her at her own game. I feel like dating the man she loves but can't have, just to spite her. I will do none of these things, but I have thought about all of them.
I hate 6 day work weeks. I love being productive and busy, but I hate being at work that much.
Only a few more weeks of this and I can slow down again.
I miss my grandmothers. Both of them are no longer fully present, either because of speech and physical impairment or because of mental decline. They are here and not. And I miss them. I miss the certainty of their pies, the sureness of their hands in teaching me, even the harshness of their tones at my failure to exceed expectations. They are so alike.
I miss having single friends who had endless amounts of time for me and for each other.
Under no circumstances do I want Alaskabenji to move to Seattle. As much as I love him, and because I love him, I do not want him here. I am wise enough to know that it would hurt too much. I think he and I were never meant to be friends. There is something in me that creates a reaction in him that is just plain mean. That reaction in him creates a reaction in me that is just plain pathetic and weepy. But I love his friendship on the phone. I do not want it in my personal life.
JDBman is so over. You probably guessed this already, but as much as I thought he was my perfect imperfection (see previous posts) I was wrong, and now I see that he is secretly very normal. A wonderful human being and my favorite friend in this city nonetheless.
I would like my uncle back. He made me special. and I just plain miss him.
I am going to tell choirboy (who called and asked me on another date... and I said yes, even though I didn't want to), that I am not interested. Before! said date. Because I am not a mean person. And because I can't practice avoidance.
I am 25. I can't decide if that is old or not. I can't decide if I should feel desperate enough to try eharmony instead of Match, which I gave up because I hated dating men I didn't know.
I presented twice today. I had 4 events. I closed sales. I succeeded. I received no recognition from my boss.
I read an entire book in between my presentations. That really says something for the extreme lack of intellectual content of said book (admittedly I occasionally enjoy some very cheesy chick-fiction, to balance out my obsession with Louis L'Amour).
I wore my new purple heels (wedges, 4 inches, rounded toe, suede).
I recognized my loneliness. I thought, when I began my journey toward emotional honesty, that recognition, admission, and acceptance were the path to happy and healthy days. But really they are just the path to recognition, admission, and acceptance.
I talked to Virgil. I got nervous, and I miss him. and I hate that about myself.
Today I know these things:
I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I think I could love my job. I certainly have before! Mostly, I am disappointed in my boss. And utterly unafraid of her, which never bodes well. I will plug along until March. But today I feel like punching her in the mouth and watching her teeth fall out. I feel like beating her at her own game. I feel like dating the man she loves but can't have, just to spite her. I will do none of these things, but I have thought about all of them.
I hate 6 day work weeks. I love being productive and busy, but I hate being at work that much.
Only a few more weeks of this and I can slow down again.
I miss my grandmothers. Both of them are no longer fully present, either because of speech and physical impairment or because of mental decline. They are here and not. And I miss them. I miss the certainty of their pies, the sureness of their hands in teaching me, even the harshness of their tones at my failure to exceed expectations. They are so alike.
I miss having single friends who had endless amounts of time for me and for each other.
Under no circumstances do I want Alaskabenji to move to Seattle. As much as I love him, and because I love him, I do not want him here. I am wise enough to know that it would hurt too much. I think he and I were never meant to be friends. There is something in me that creates a reaction in him that is just plain mean. That reaction in him creates a reaction in me that is just plain pathetic and weepy. But I love his friendship on the phone. I do not want it in my personal life.
JDBman is so over. You probably guessed this already, but as much as I thought he was my perfect imperfection (see previous posts) I was wrong, and now I see that he is secretly very normal. A wonderful human being and my favorite friend in this city nonetheless.
I would like my uncle back. He made me special. and I just plain miss him.
I am going to tell choirboy (who called and asked me on another date... and I said yes, even though I didn't want to), that I am not interested. Before! said date. Because I am not a mean person. And because I can't practice avoidance.
I am 25. I can't decide if that is old or not. I can't decide if I should feel desperate enough to try eharmony instead of Match, which I gave up because I hated dating men I didn't know.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Warmth
Warmth fills me for many reasons. Sometimes because I am easy and joyful and right in me. Sometimes because I am angry and hateful. Sometimes because I am passionate. Sometimes because I am ashamed. Today because I am anticipating warmth. For Winter and Fall are seasons of warmth.
Rereading my past is never easy. I am finding necessity though in this practice. Mostly because my life is so singular right now, that I have to read my past experiences to invoke the pieces of me I am not currently engaging, but that are still there. So that in this present I can be present.
There are causes that force reactions in me. Whenever I feel vulnerable or scared I react hurtfully by pretending I am not hurt, not scared, not vulnerable. Sometimes I am so good at pretending that I don't remember what I said, because my heart didn't really say it, but fear spoke for me. And I didn't listen. I just huddled up and let fear protect me. So when all is said and done, I know that I have retaliated against harm, without sufficiently protecting myself, and remaining aware only that I harmed the one that harmed me, but with no idea of how I accomplished it. Yuck. Then I just have to deal with feeling foolish later... and deal with still feeling hurt later... and deal with feeling horrible for causing harm later.
And yet there is this warmth of settling in to deal. Settling in to love. Settling in means cleaning up the dirty closets, wrapping up bandages, smoothing the blankets, and creating a space to nestle in with tea, without feeling the anxiety of the mess waiting to be handled. Settling in to deal means I have to work hard so that I can have peace to relax. But it's great because then I don't have to work hard to push aside the hard work that will eventually have to be done so that I can relax now. Because that is escaping and escaping doesn't accomplish much when you abuse it the way I have. Instead I can clean a little each day and relax a little each day, and eventually I will find myself at home in a space I already own.
So say hello to warmth. I've set out tea. Care for a cuppa?
Rereading my past is never easy. I am finding necessity though in this practice. Mostly because my life is so singular right now, that I have to read my past experiences to invoke the pieces of me I am not currently engaging, but that are still there. So that in this present I can be present.
There are causes that force reactions in me. Whenever I feel vulnerable or scared I react hurtfully by pretending I am not hurt, not scared, not vulnerable. Sometimes I am so good at pretending that I don't remember what I said, because my heart didn't really say it, but fear spoke for me. And I didn't listen. I just huddled up and let fear protect me. So when all is said and done, I know that I have retaliated against harm, without sufficiently protecting myself, and remaining aware only that I harmed the one that harmed me, but with no idea of how I accomplished it. Yuck. Then I just have to deal with feeling foolish later... and deal with still feeling hurt later... and deal with feeling horrible for causing harm later.
And yet there is this warmth of settling in to deal. Settling in to love. Settling in means cleaning up the dirty closets, wrapping up bandages, smoothing the blankets, and creating a space to nestle in with tea, without feeling the anxiety of the mess waiting to be handled. Settling in to deal means I have to work hard so that I can have peace to relax. But it's great because then I don't have to work hard to push aside the hard work that will eventually have to be done so that I can relax now. Because that is escaping and escaping doesn't accomplish much when you abuse it the way I have. Instead I can clean a little each day and relax a little each day, and eventually I will find myself at home in a space I already own.
So say hello to warmth. I've set out tea. Care for a cuppa?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
So much time. So little progress.
This weekend, the labor day one, I had such a great opportunity. My apartment was empty, save me. My life was empty, save cleaning. I had time to spend with myself.
I cleaned. Success.
I hung out with only me.
I so did not invest.
I didn't have the energy to look at me. I didn't have the energy to ask me about me. I was being an introvert.
If you think getting to know me is any less extroverting than getting to know another, you are sadly mistaken. It takes the same emotional energy, because I don't trust me anymore than I trust other people. And because I am just as high maintenance as other people. Because I really do need way too much attention.
So tonight's homework: a started (just started, not finished) list of things I like about me.
So far I have one (and since I am watching the Premier of GLEE, I am not get much further):
I like that I am unabashedly unafraid of love.
That's it.
So far.
love. you.
B.
I cleaned. Success.
I hung out with only me.
I so did not invest.
I didn't have the energy to look at me. I didn't have the energy to ask me about me. I was being an introvert.
If you think getting to know me is any less extroverting than getting to know another, you are sadly mistaken. It takes the same emotional energy, because I don't trust me anymore than I trust other people. And because I am just as high maintenance as other people. Because I really do need way too much attention.
So tonight's homework: a started (just started, not finished) list of things I like about me.
So far I have one (and since I am watching the Premier of GLEE, I am not get much further):
I like that I am unabashedly unafraid of love.
That's it.
So far.
love. you.
B.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
A quest
First you should know the plan.
I want to start my new adventure in March. Right after my review and my bonus check for the 2009 year. March is 6-7 months away. Depending on how you look at it.
Here are the current adventure possibilities:
1. Boston
2. Virginia
3. Alaska
4. Israel Relations Coordinator (the job I was casually offered today!!!!!) here in Seattle. Holy Ishmael.
Now for the quest.
Because I have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go, or whatever, and I am just wondering around in the fog (thanks for the metaphor Jess) waiting for life (or love) to step out of the mist and directly into my arms, I am going to try something.
I do not feel pursued. Ever... or at least rarely. I do not feel necessary or wanted or valuable. This does not mean I hate myself or feel that I am not worth something, that I couldn't be something. It means that I feel like I can't figure out why I am not wildly pursued by the people who know me. I mean, mostly, I think I am pretty great (I am smiling pretty hugely right now) but, mostly, I also feel unwanted. I want something to pursue me. Some community, some person, some life. I want to know. Because knowing my friend... is half the battle.
But it's the other half I am going to tackle. It's the pursuit part. So my quest is myself. I am going to try pursuing myself. I don't know what that means, but just like trying to pursue someone else, I am going to blunder around until I get it right. I am giving myself 6-7 months, to "fall in love" with me. And see what happens. It might not work. I think I have learned, or am well into learning, how to take care of myself. At least, if nothing else, I now understand that that is possible. I don't know what it is to "love myself". I am really uncomfortable saying that. I don't like it. I feel stupid. But I felt stupid when I started talking about taking care of myself too.
My hope is that toward the end, the attempt at love will at least give me some idea of the knowing. So that I can do the one thing I know I want... a new adventure.
So watch for the quest updates. I will let you know what I figure out. What I don't like. What I love. And hopefully someday, what I want.
I want to start my new adventure in March. Right after my review and my bonus check for the 2009 year. March is 6-7 months away. Depending on how you look at it.
Here are the current adventure possibilities:
1. Boston
2. Virginia
3. Alaska
4. Israel Relations Coordinator (the job I was casually offered today!!!!!) here in Seattle. Holy Ishmael.
Now for the quest.
Because I have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go, or whatever, and I am just wondering around in the fog (thanks for the metaphor Jess) waiting for life (or love) to step out of the mist and directly into my arms, I am going to try something.
I do not feel pursued. Ever... or at least rarely. I do not feel necessary or wanted or valuable. This does not mean I hate myself or feel that I am not worth something, that I couldn't be something. It means that I feel like I can't figure out why I am not wildly pursued by the people who know me. I mean, mostly, I think I am pretty great (I am smiling pretty hugely right now) but, mostly, I also feel unwanted. I want something to pursue me. Some community, some person, some life. I want to know. Because knowing my friend... is half the battle.
But it's the other half I am going to tackle. It's the pursuit part. So my quest is myself. I am going to try pursuing myself. I don't know what that means, but just like trying to pursue someone else, I am going to blunder around until I get it right. I am giving myself 6-7 months, to "fall in love" with me. And see what happens. It might not work. I think I have learned, or am well into learning, how to take care of myself. At least, if nothing else, I now understand that that is possible. I don't know what it is to "love myself". I am really uncomfortable saying that. I don't like it. I feel stupid. But I felt stupid when I started talking about taking care of myself too.
My hope is that toward the end, the attempt at love will at least give me some idea of the knowing. So that I can do the one thing I know I want... a new adventure.
So watch for the quest updates. I will let you know what I figure out. What I don't like. What I love. And hopefully someday, what I want.
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