Sunday, September 20, 2009

One huge sigh before bed...

I saw a movie tonight. Julie and Julia or whatever. I cried.

I presented twice today. I had 4 events. I closed sales. I succeeded. I received no recognition from my boss.

I read an entire book in between my presentations. That really says something for the extreme lack of intellectual content of said book (admittedly I occasionally enjoy some very cheesy chick-fiction, to balance out my obsession with Louis L'Amour).

I wore my new purple heels (wedges, 4 inches, rounded toe, suede).

I recognized my loneliness. I thought, when I began my journey toward emotional honesty, that recognition, admission, and acceptance were the path to happy and healthy days. But really they are just the path to recognition, admission, and acceptance.

I talked to Virgil. I got nervous, and I miss him. and I hate that about myself.

Today I know these things:
I hate my job. I love what I do, but I hate my job. I think I could love my job. I certainly have before! Mostly, I am disappointed in my boss. And utterly unafraid of her, which never bodes well. I will plug along until March. But today I feel like punching her in the mouth and watching her teeth fall out. I feel like beating her at her own game. I feel like dating the man she loves but can't have, just to spite her. I will do none of these things, but I have thought about all of them.

I hate 6 day work weeks. I love being productive and busy, but I hate being at work that much.
Only a few more weeks of this and I can slow down again.

I miss my grandmothers. Both of them are no longer fully present, either because of speech and physical impairment or because of mental decline. They are here and not. And I miss them. I miss the certainty of their pies, the sureness of their hands in teaching me, even the harshness of their tones at my failure to exceed expectations. They are so alike.

I miss having single friends who had endless amounts of time for me and for each other.

Under no circumstances do I want Alaskabenji to move to Seattle. As much as I love him, and because I love him, I do not want him here. I am wise enough to know that it would hurt too much. I think he and I were never meant to be friends. There is something in me that creates a reaction in him that is just plain mean. That reaction in him creates a reaction in me that is just plain pathetic and weepy. But I love his friendship on the phone. I do not want it in my personal life.

JDBman is so over. You probably guessed this already, but as much as I thought he was my perfect imperfection (see previous posts) I was wrong, and now I see that he is secretly very normal. A wonderful human being and my favorite friend in this city nonetheless.

I would like my uncle back. He made me special. and I just plain miss him.

I am going to tell choirboy (who called and asked me on another date... and I said yes, even though I didn't want to), that I am not interested. Before! said date. Because I am not a mean person. And because I can't practice avoidance.

I am 25. I can't decide if that is old or not. I can't decide if I should feel desperate enough to try eharmony instead of Match, which I gave up because I hated dating men I didn't know.

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