Thursday, September 3, 2009

A quest

First you should know the plan.

I want to start my new adventure in March. Right after my review and my bonus check for the 2009 year. March is 6-7 months away. Depending on how you look at it.

Here are the current adventure possibilities:
1. Boston
2. Virginia
3. Alaska
4. Israel Relations Coordinator (the job I was casually offered today!!!!!) here in Seattle. Holy Ishmael.

Now for the quest.

Because I have no idea what I want to do, or where I want to go, or whatever, and I am just wondering around in the fog (thanks for the metaphor Jess) waiting for life (or love) to step out of the mist and directly into my arms, I am going to try something.

I do not feel pursued. Ever... or at least rarely. I do not feel necessary or wanted or valuable. This does not mean I hate myself or feel that I am not worth something, that I couldn't be something. It means that I feel like I can't figure out why I am not wildly pursued by the people who know me. I mean, mostly, I think I am pretty great (I am smiling pretty hugely right now) but, mostly, I also feel unwanted. I want something to pursue me. Some community, some person, some life. I want to know. Because knowing my friend... is half the battle.

But it's the other half I am going to tackle. It's the pursuit part. So my quest is myself. I am going to try pursuing myself. I don't know what that means, but just like trying to pursue someone else, I am going to blunder around until I get it right. I am giving myself 6-7 months, to "fall in love" with me. And see what happens. It might not work. I think I have learned, or am well into learning, how to take care of myself. At least, if nothing else, I now understand that that is possible. I don't know what it is to "love myself". I am really uncomfortable saying that. I don't like it. I feel stupid. But I felt stupid when I started talking about taking care of myself too.

My hope is that toward the end, the attempt at love will at least give me some idea of the knowing. So that I can do the one thing I know I want... a new adventure.

So watch for the quest updates. I will let you know what I figure out. What I don't like. What I love. And hopefully someday, what I want.

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