Thursday, September 17, 2009


Warmth fills me for many reasons. Sometimes because I am easy and joyful and right in me. Sometimes because I am angry and hateful. Sometimes because I am passionate. Sometimes because I am ashamed. Today because I am anticipating warmth. For Winter and Fall are seasons of warmth.

Rereading my past is never easy. I am finding necessity though in this practice. Mostly because my life is so singular right now, that I have to read my past experiences to invoke the pieces of me I am not currently engaging, but that are still there. So that in this present I can be present.

There are causes that force reactions in me. Whenever I feel vulnerable or scared I react hurtfully by pretending I am not hurt, not scared, not vulnerable. Sometimes I am so good at pretending that I don't remember what I said, because my heart didn't really say it, but fear spoke for me. And I didn't listen. I just huddled up and let fear protect me. So when all is said and done, I know that I have retaliated against harm, without sufficiently protecting myself, and remaining aware only that I harmed the one that harmed me, but with no idea of how I accomplished it. Yuck. Then I just have to deal with feeling foolish later... and deal with still feeling hurt later... and deal with feeling horrible for causing harm later.

And yet there is this warmth of settling in to deal. Settling in to love. Settling in means cleaning up the dirty closets, wrapping up bandages, smoothing the blankets, and creating a space to nestle in with tea, without feeling the anxiety of the mess waiting to be handled. Settling in to deal means I have to work hard so that I can have peace to relax. But it's great because then I don't have to work hard to push aside the hard work that will eventually have to be done so that I can relax now. Because that is escaping and escaping doesn't accomplish much when you abuse it the way I have. Instead I can clean a little each day and relax a little each day, and eventually I will find myself at home in a space I already own.

So say hello to warmth. I've set out tea. Care for a cuppa?

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