Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Curse words

I could fill this entire page with the curse words streaming out of my soul right now. If you want to hear a tiny bit of what that feels like, watch the first ten minutes of Love Actually, when Bill Nighy is attempting to sing his new Christmas song. And that would only be my opening line. (I would just like to point out that I am not going to curse in this blog, I promise.)

I am in Angry girl mode. You know, the Alanis Morrisette, flowy skirt, tight tank, long hair, hate the world, hate myself angry girl mode. Ironically, I am listening to Peaches by The Presidents of the United States of America. Because its rough and I feel rough.

MY BOSS SLAPPED MY HAND TODAY. She does this a lot. She does this when I pick at my nails or itch my leg or say something she doesn't approve of. May I just say that I am 25 and although that is not so near her 31, I am not a child. MY BOSS ALSO TOLD ME THAT THE WAY I GREETED ONE OF MY COWORKERS SOUNDED DIRTY. I said "Hi! James!" I know that I am an enthusiastic person but I am not a whore! And gosh darn it she had best get herself under control before I lose all of my control. I understand that I have dated other employees, even my own employees. But that was a long time ago. I don't do that anymore. And even if I did, it is not against company policy and it hasn't ever turned out badly for her, or for me for that matter. And I don't do that anymore. Mostly because Seattle men are REALLY disappointing, but she needs to realize that I am not some teenage little girl that runs after everything in sight. I DO NOT have a crush on EVERY boy. Anger.

I am typing so hard right now that I am not sure my keyboard will work tomorrow. I am an ANGRY ELF. I am also angry because I hate text message relationships. I want to BE in Alaska. I am sick of this back and forth crap. I am sick of not knowing what face he is wearing. I am sick of not knowing what is going on. I am sick of having a friend that knows me better in this moment that most of the other people in my life, but whom I have not seen in five years. I am sick of it all. I am sick that I have invested so much in something that has 10 days, just 10 to become something lasting and worthwhile. All of this is like a big huge lead up and it could be one big huge flop. I could get there and the whole friendship falls apart. I could get there and die of anxiety because I still don't know what the mumbler (for he is one heck of a mumbler my friends) is saying to me. I think I am going crazy. I don't act like this. I don't get overwhelmed by stupid little boys. I don't think that I am not good enough for people. I don't DO THIS. I don't lose sleep over petty crap. I don't! I don't! I don't! I am so throwing a fit right now.

The sad part is I do do those things. The sad part is that I have never met someone that I really liked that I thought was this much better than I am. The sad part is that I feel like I am losing myself and the last couple of nights when I try to go invest in me, I fall asleep because I am so emotionally wrung out. I need a vacation to prepare for my vacation. I don't like having to deal with not feeling good enough for someone I would have turned down five years ago. for someone who doesn't have a degree. for someone who doesn't have a job. for someone who is insecure and shy. for someone who needs encouragement. for someone who needs to be told to pray. for someone who has had more girlfriends than Jesus had disciples. and yet still I shake because somewhere I know his heart is closer to God's than mine. and that my friends startles me. that takes all of the curse words out of my heart and moves me to tears. that leaves me only a wreckless hope. and I hate wreckless hope.


jenni lawler said...

Does it help that I love you? Probably not. I also have had a day that filled my head with cuss words just waiting to explode and leave those around me flabbergasted, but for other reasons. I just want to say boys are amazing and completely suck at the same time. I love you. We'll complain about the world at lunch on Sunday.

Mpls Heather said... so many words!