Everyone seems to know now that my life has not been going well. Help has been offered from various corners. Words have been said. Prayers prayed. I thought all of this would suddenly change my world. I really believed if I put it out there God would come through and solve this wretched mess. I am beginning to severely doubt my ability to predict God.
A heard a sermon yesterday that gave me the kind of hope I have been searching for. It was not the kind that said, "Just believe and everything will be happy again." It was not the kind that said, "Sunshine and butterflies will come to you tomorrow." And most of all it was not the kind that said, "Because you are surviving this, God is going to use you for some great work. He is preparing you for greatness." It said this, "Sometimes courage is the ability to continue on through the Valley of Despair, and that is all." And I realized, that no matter how much this hurts, and no matter how badly I don't want to do it anymore, and no matter how terrified and angry I am, I will continue on through the Valley of Despair, and there is nothing that will stop me. That is the best hope.
I am courageous. I don't have to be okay to be courageous. Being courageous is not going to make this situation easier, or better, or solve it. But that doesn't change the fact that I am courageous. And right now that's going to have to be enough.