Monday, March 23, 2009

A very lost cause.

Everyone seems to know now that my life has not been going well. Help has been offered from various corners. Words have been said. Prayers prayed. I thought all of this would suddenly change my world. I really believed if I put it out there God would come through and solve this wretched mess. I am beginning to severely doubt my ability to predict God.

A heard a sermon yesterday that gave me the kind of hope I have been searching for. It was not the kind that said, "Just believe and everything will be happy again." It was not the kind that said, "Sunshine and butterflies will come to you tomorrow." And most of all it was not the kind that said, "Because you are surviving this, God is going to use you for some great work. He is preparing you for greatness." It said this, "Sometimes courage is the ability to continue on through the Valley of Despair, and that is all." And I realized, that no matter how much this hurts, and no matter how badly I don't want to do it anymore, and no matter how terrified and angry I am, I will continue on through the Valley of Despair, and there is nothing that will stop me. That is the best hope.

I am courageous. I don't have to be okay to be courageous. Being courageous is not going to make this situation easier, or better, or solve it. But that doesn't change the fact that I am courageous. And right now that's going to have to be enough.


mme. bookling said...

All is not lost.
Even despair is only despair and "What is actual is actual only for one time. And only for one place." (TS Elliot, Ash Wednesday).

To my surprise, a treasured bookling arrived at my doorstep greeting me home this evening. I adore...and was very touched by your gift of love. Thank you for not only your affection, but also your follow-through in showing it.

Becca said...

I am so glad it got to you. They were having some difficulty leaving it there. I am also so glad you love. Not only the book, but the world, and me.

Lilliana Jones said...

A wise man once said, "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we really are, far more than our abilities."

That's what your blog reminded me of. If I could quote the Bible in times of need like I can quote Harry Potter in times of need, I'd be golden. However Harry Potter is all I have right now so that'll have to do. And I'm pretty sure you don't mind anyway.

Anyways my point was that even if you don't have the ability to solve this mess, the choice to soldier on through it and not move to Panama says a lot about you.