Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The old one-two

Life seems determined to knock me down. Crisis after crisis, bad news after bad news, more and more responsibility.

Today I found out my father has hepatitis C, the very disease which is currently killing my dear uncle. Treatment for my very sick father is going to be difficult, as he has no medical coverage... no roof to call his own... no roof to call someone else's for that matter.

When I heard this I wanted to scream at the sky, "REALLY!!! come on, I mean REALLY??!!!" And so Jesus, what is it that you want from me?
I do blame every last bit of this on you. I know that it may stem from elsewhere, but you are greater than elsewhere, and so I blame you.
This does not mean that I don't love and trust you. It does mean that I want to know what you are planning to accomplish with all of this. Just tell me, please, that it has purpose, a good purpose, and that you're not just doing this because you feel like it.

I feel that I have been knocked around, and given no time between beatings for my bruises to heal... indeed increasing less time to even get back up on my feet between blows. Example: Sunday's proposal knocked the air out of me, and I only just tried to begin breathing again today... and with the mornings first breaths came the news of my father. I do not, DO NOT understand. At all.

Quite literally I have given up on holding myself together. Now I am just sitting and waiting for the ultimate explosion from the middle of my chest.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
-WB Yeats

Hope find me, heaven help me, Jesus let me... I am not the victim here.

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