Sunday, March 20, 2011

Practically Peaceful

It's been a week since I last saw my boyfriend, or Scrubs, as we are now supposed to be calling him. A week was supposed to be easy. And it wasn't terribly difficult, but it is now, 36 hours before I will actually see him, wretched. I'm a little frustrated with myself.

I am a fairly independent person. I did singleness very very well... and I liked it, A LOT! I thought a week would be like peanut butter and jelly, a great way to nourish my soul without being difficult to prepare for. I was wrong.

On Thursday we got good news. Scrubs will be staying in Seattle for his residency. See there was chance that he would get into a hospital program somewhere far away (or close by but still not Seattle). I was ready for that, for the possibility of long distance or of moving. But somehow having him stay is just as hard. Now I know he will be here, but I still won't be able to see him. And then I realize I still have my own life to live.

See, I really like this guy. He looks good on me. He suits me. And so a big part of me wants to let him consume my life. But that can't happen, either practically or rationally. I have to have my own life, because he has to have his own life. Residency will be long and hard. But also, I need to maintain my independence, because I've been swallowed by a relationship before, and by the time I discovered it, the only way I knew to fix it was to get out. And I don't want to do that this time.

So I am working on continuing to live my life. This means that I have to continue to find change. I have to continue to look for a new job and apply and find my own happiness, because even though I find immense happiness in Scrubs, he won't often be around. So I still have a life to build, and ironically, more impetus to actually build it.

This is a wonderful Sunday Morning Exultation. The sun is shining, my heart is beaming, and I get to go see my sister. My life is waiting for me outside that door. And tomorrow when I finally see this wonderful man, I will be happy to see him because he is him, and not because he is me. And that just so totally rocks.

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