It's Bothering me.

Have you ever made a decision that you come to regret? One you could get out of, but not without hurting someone? One that when you made it was easy, no big deal, no side effects or risks? But in the end it becomes a murderous life sucking tragedy that makes you dread every moment of every day? I've made one of those decisions. And now the only choices are to suck it up and hate my life or hurt someone a lot and be happy again.

See I have this friend. He's actually a pretty great person. But we don't really get a long well. He is rude and doesn't pay attention to how he talks to people. And I am straight forward and don't let people get away with that. Except I let him get away with that. And so for months I have been storing up hate in my heart because I didn't want to say anything because I did once and his reaction was horrific and in that moment he was not a person I ever wanted to know again. So I figured as long as I didn't say anything about his moments of boarishness, he would be an okay friend. And mostly he was. But all those little moments when he wasn't became stockpiled in my soul and a few weeks ago I snapped. I broke. And then I went about the business of distancing myself because I couldn't anymore. I couldn't stockpile even one more moment. Or I would hate him forever. 

But the distancing didn't work. He noticed. He called me on it. Which made me angry. He didn't say something like, "I've missed you" or "Is everything ok?" or anything of the sort. He just pushed and prodded and guilted. And I tried to ignore him and push it off and let it be casual and ok. But it wasn't. And then the dreaded topic came up. The one topic that makes me hate him every single time we discuss it. The topic that he doesn't think is personal but that kills me. The topic itself doesn't matter to me really, but his response to it and to me in it, is impossible for me. 

And then I couldn't anymore. That one more moment stockpiled in my heart. And I got up and walked out on him. Then after the most horrible apology I have ever received, I did the worst thing possible. I emailed him back and ripped apart his apology. Ripped. It. Apart. Piece by ever loving piece. Because now I have to figure out what to do. I want to be able to get over this, and just be okay being myself... telling him exactly what I think when he makes me angry... except that hate kills my filter and usually I am pretty great at the filter, even while being honest. So now I am worried that I will not be nice while I am honest. and that's bad. 

So I've learned that me is who I have to be. Avoiding me is a bad idea, even when I hate the consequences of me. I won't do it again.

It's still bothering me. I don't know what to do.