Monday, February 7, 2011

killing me softly...

I make it a practice to never blog about my work. Why? Because it's a bad idea. People get in a lot of trouble and sticky situations for doing such things. And my work is sticky enough all on its own.

So today I am going to say just this: I have great employees. If everyone in my company could be as great as my employees, I would have a great job.

However, if's very rarely come true.

Entirely unrelated to work, I need to just say something else. I hate it when people turn out to be really terrible. I am really terrible when it comes to certain things. Like shamefully. Like when I think about St. Peter at the gates, reading off my sins before he lets me in, I blush a little. or a lot. I don't think I will cause HIM to raise any eyebrows, because he's seen it all, but if he read it out loud, there would be a lot of eyebrow raising amongst many of my friends. Regardless though, I am still disappointed when I hear what I don't want to hear - When I hear that which takes my love of a person and makes it about them and how much they need love and not about me and how much I want their love. (Wanna know how much that last sentence proves that I am a terrible person... seriously, a lot). Basically I begin to love them out of a need to love those beneath me and not out of a desire to be loved by those above me.

My true and sincere goal in life should be to love everyone as though we were all equal, but my heart rarely believes that all men are equal. Created equal? Sure. Equal in adulthood, no, not so much. And this has nothing to do with gender or race or sexual preference. It has to do with actions and words and silly flippant moments of insecurity.

I want to be loved by someone better than myself because that makes me worth something. I love people less than myself out of obligation and pity. I love those on par with me because finally I can be honest and comfortable and not feel badly for them - such a relief. I strive to make myself appear to be more so that someone better than me will be fooled long enough to fall for me.

The really horrible thing about this is the subjective nature of my love. My love is loyal though. It won't go away. I will keep it forever (which is why 5 years after my last relationship I sometimes still feel disloyal to my ex. And still really want to kill myself for ever saying I had stopped loving him. I am really good at lying to myself. and therefore really good at lying to others (but only when I believe said lie)). Really, I love like there is no tomorrow once I've decided to love. It just doesn't always stem from a good place.

Speaking of good (and bad), your homework assignment should be to go through this blog and find all of the times I have shamed myself or used inappropriate and subjective modifiers to try and force myself into what I think I should be... or what I think you should be. And then message me and tell me to stop digging into my shame. And to do my taxes already.

1 comment:

Timotheus said...

Do your taxes! I'm still working on mine.

Shame can be a motivator. Definitely not a good one, but one that seems to never go away for me. It seems like it should help fix the problem, but it never does. Shame just makes you feel awful, and erodes your soul. Sins feel heavy at times, but they won't do half as much damage as shame. Sins you can repent from. Shame seeps into your character and withers your foundation. Shame should go to hell, that's what I say. On that note, have a great day! :)