Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need......OOOOOOOHHHHH. I need a hero. I'm holding out for a hero til the end of the night. He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!
Today. Oh today. Well let's start with yesterday. Or the day before. I don't know when... I made a choice:
I cannot live for my family. I cannot survive for them. They have to do those things all on their own. And I have to live. Or I what I have done here for myself and for my family will just become a pathetic sob story. and that's not happening to me. I won't let it.
It's so not helpful to my family if I try to control their living process. It hurts them... like I could be them better than they could be them. Like me being in control for them is better. And its not. Not even for my dad. I don't know if they feel that way. But I realized that I need to only be their family, not their life support, their breath, their hero. And it's so not helpful for me to focus all of my energy on taking care of everyone else. I need to be taken care of... and there's no one to do that but me. I'm really good at taking care of people. I can be good at taking care of me. If I try.
So after making this choice a series of unfortunate events occurred.
1. Jessica lost her baby. There aren't words. No that's a lie there are totally words. I love my sister. I love that baby. I love the next baby already. I am scared, freaked out of the death of unborn children. There is nothing less natural, less okay. It's like the death of hope itself. I hate it because there is no one to blame. It is just pain and darkness. It is death happening inside of life. It does not make any sense. and I hate that it happens. But I love that baby still. I talked to her. (it was going to be a girl. I know that there is no way to be sure of that because it wasn't far enough along... but I knew it as only an auntie can know.... I have not been wrong about any of my nieces or nephews yet). And I am super proud of my sister. She has been a mother and is a mother and will be again. It's really a magical process to watch a woman turn into a mother. Seriously.
2. Daddy was put back in the hospital. And lost the place he was going to live. and if I don't step in all the way again, he may be back on the streets. And that might have to be okay. Really.
And a series of fortunate events occurred...
1. I sang myself a love song.
2. I let myself feel. even though I am afraid. even though what I felt was love. for me. and something akin to like for other people. and something akin to not like for still others (which can be just as scary to discover you don't like the person you should like...)
3. I got really excited to be me.
4. I decided to start actively pursuing new opportunities in my life. And then I actually did something about it. I know shocking.
But I feel really honestly good. I am sad and scared. Really really terrified. But I'm doing it. It's like an extreme sport... like sky diving. Taking care of myself is like skydiving.
I am jumping out of this plane and hurtling toward God knows what. The adrenaline is totally awesome.
PS. I hate being called Dude by men. a lot.