I unabashedly hate Valentine's Day. Pretty much always have. At least since the giving and receiving of valentine's became no longer mandatory sometime around age 12. Why? Because I am single? no. I don't think that's it. The commercialization? Probably not (although it may be). Mostly it is absolutely do not do the love thing.
These past weeks have been a deep and painful insight into the depths and shallows of my soul. I have learned that I don't like love. You've heard about this, if you are up to date on the blogosphere. Here's this week's update: I have been left, rejected, abandoned, by so many significant people in my life. I don't want to willingly subject myself to that all over again. That would be silly. Classic right?
Sillier still though is the cowardice with which I approach love. I don't put myself out there. I have a wall, a lie, that keeps people from being able to hurt me, or to love me. I don't do love. That's the lie, the wall, the defense. I know we've been over this. I'm supposed to have realized, processed, moved on.
I have realized, processed, and moved on from the cause of these weeks of turmoil. But the affect, the identity, and self awareness are much more difficult to escape. I don't ask people to "Be Mine". I would never. I got pretty close once... in Alaska. And I slipped up and said, "I love you" when not in a right state of mind once, which I totally immediately took back because the Good Lord knows I didn't know what I was talking about. But I've never declared myself. Put it all out there. Taken the big jump and just gone for it. Risking my pride, my sanity, my heart and just leapt into the unknown.
I think I could though. Because getting over it can't be any harder at that point than it is at this one. So just like I can be honest about my anger, and my annoyance, and my condescension, I can be honest about my love. Because Love isn't vulnerability. Not like fear is. Love is strength.
I think I'm headed into montage stage. You know the part of every movie where you see the montage of change... but you don't really have anything on the day to report. No big victories in each day, but that period of time that just flies by and you come out different. I am ready to change colors. I'm ready for spring.