I am still grieving.

Every day at work I listen to music while I work. Today I put on an old playlist… one from about this time last year. It was going along, happily, and I was singing joyously and giggling while I typed my emails. Then in a sudden and unexpected transition the music moved into “Seasons in the Sun” which was the song my aunt Moira played when the Uncle who love me died last April. My laughter caught in my chest and the tears started streaming down my face.

Please Jesus, tell me when this pain will cease. I still miss him every day. I still can’t hang up his picture on my wall because I still cry every time I see it. I still hate the very thought of his end. I am still angry that he, who chose life, died.

I miss Nan, but her death seemed right – like a rest – as if her life needed to end to form a kind of completion.

I wonder if his death will ever seem that way. Because right now it still seems wrong. As if the sky changed colors and though still beautiful, and maybe even still blue… it is not that right shade of blue. It will forever just be wrong. Just uncomfortable. Just as though it should not be able to be real and yet it is more real than even my own heart.

Lenten Miracles

Hello my Lenten miracles,

I love lent. Adore it. But this year is going to be hard. Rather than just giving something up, I am working to break addictions. It's not easy going.

In favor of that, I have a little blog to track my Lenten successes and failures. I don't wish to keep it here, because I want to give all of you the opportunity to opt out of knowing exactly how imperfect I am. If you don't want to know my sins, my wretchedness, my life then don't read the other blog. I want to be perfectly clear: I am sharing the other blog because I am willing to. This does not mean I am willing to put up with your suggestions, criticisms, censure, pity, or authorial need to change who I have decided (yes consciously decided) to be. So fair warning. It is a clean and family friendly new blog. But it is honest in a few ways this one has not been. So without further disclaimers, here is my Lenten journey: The Fat Lady Hums

I am looking forward to some Lenten Miracles. You are all Lenten Miracles, by the way. As I am.

As Olive Jade Wigand is.

As Kingston deleon Debois is.

I am celebrating these new lives. and my new life.

Lenten Love to all.

B.

The sweet silver song...

When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm, is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind, Walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, Walk on, with love in your heart, and you'll never walk alone. You'll never walk alone.
-Carousel

The storm is over. And guess what? I'm not walking alone.

Nan and Ian are dead. That storm is over. They are gone. Dad is not on my plate right now, and there doesn't seem to be anyone I need to take care of... how bizarre.

JDBman and I don't get to hang out anymore. His girlfriend put her foot down, very appropriately. I've been angry, annoyed, hurt, confused, and now I understand. I will miss him, but I both understand his need to listen to his girlfriend, and know that he is incapable of standing up for his life, if it means confrontation. As much as I wouldn't want him to make another choice, I know that the fact that he didn't even discuss it with her, means, yet again, that he is certainly not a man I would invest romance in. But I will miss my friend.

Pam moved. I miss her. A lot. More than I know. But life is a lot less stressful now.

I thought if these two friendships ended, I would have no one but family, but I was so very wrong.

I'm a happy and overworked camper.

PS. Baby Wigand is on her way. I can't wait to know her and her name.

A funny valentine

I found the following among my notes at work.

The first: I'm not sure where it came from or why I wrote it but I must have written it when out drinking with the Kronbachs, Ben, and Jessica for Ben's Birthday.

The second: I think must be a quote from a TV show. Maybe "Dead like me", which is one of my fav's. It's a shame it was canceled.

November 30th, 2009
Broken hearts, broken minds
the soul in front of me bleeds
my veins cry out to hold you
but my conscious holds still

I see you there
holding your pieces
I know in me
resides the glue

You don't see the healing in me
Because my fears hide from you
There is no certainty
That it is you I will heal
So I continue to wait
for the bravery to move

When you're young...
Sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork.
As you get older it gets harder to grab a fork.