I am still grieving.

Every day at work I listen to music while I work. Today I put on an old playlist… one from about this time last year. It was going along, happily, and I was singing joyously and giggling while I typed my emails. Then in a sudden and unexpected transition the music moved into “Seasons in the Sun” which was the song my aunt Moira played when the Uncle who love me died last April. My laughter caught in my chest and the tears started streaming down my face.

Please Jesus, tell me when this pain will cease. I still miss him every day. I still can’t hang up his picture on my wall because I still cry every time I see it. I still hate the very thought of his end. I am still angry that he, who chose life, died.

I miss Nan, but her death seemed right – like a rest – as if her life needed to end to form a kind of completion.

I wonder if his death will ever seem that way. Because right now it still seems wrong. As if the sky changed colors and though still beautiful, and maybe even still blue… it is not that right shade of blue. It will forever just be wrong. Just uncomfortable. Just as though it should not be able to be real and yet it is more real than even my own heart.