I have been in LA learning my business even better. I feel that I have the tools for ultimate success, but am wary because of the time it will take to implement them. The week was not only full of work lessons but life lessons as well.
I met a boy in LA. A boy that I intended to lead to my friend Pam, who was very interested in him. My plans backfired and he ended up interested in me. Interesting. He was extremely attractive, in fact our company uses him as a model, so in that it was great to know I've still got it. I did feel horribly that my plan backfired, but heavenly Jesus he was a wonderful evening of fun. The next day was not so great... because he followed me around like a little puppy. I'm not sure the lesson here, other than to remember that being so nice can have it's consequences.
I also fought with Benji, alaska benji not brother benji, this week. I found that much of what I hated in myself (or at least some piece of it) from the time of Andrew, is still in me. I was startled by this. I had to apologize and rethink myself. Remember me. Know me. I didn't know that that was a daily thing. I thought that once I knew, my actions would line up with that. It apparently doesn't work that way. I wish that life wisdom was more permanent, more instantly accessible. Less affected by emotion.
I am happy about the fact that I figured it out though, before it became a serious problem. We worked it out and all is normal again. I have to be careful though. It is the most bizarre experience of my life to get to know someone again after 5 years of no contact, especially when it is all over the phone. I am really hoping that things are not awkward when I actually get to Alaska. I hope I am not setting up expectations. I hope that I am not lost. I hope that I am not alone.
Long lessons are hard to learn. I thought that I had just grown up and out of all of the problems I saw in my relationship with Andrew. I never expected to see them in me again. I hate that they are still there. I hate that I avoided a birthday party in an attempt not to see those things in me when I faced Andrew. I hate that I am avoiding figuring out exactly what is wrong with me.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
More than a feeling
"When I'm tired and thinking cold, I hide in my music, forget the day. And dream of a girl I used to know. I closed my eyes and she slipped away."
I've closed my eyes, and I've slipped away.
I am ready to find myself in a new adventure.
I've closed my eyes, and I've slipped away.
I am ready to find myself in a new adventure.
Monday, July 13, 2009
The Sermon (it's long.. don't say I didn't warn you)
Keep in mind that this was given to a very specific community. Also keep in mind that I wandered from this script a little (but not a lot...)
1 Corinthians 12:1-6 and 12 – 27 I am skipping some sections because my goal is not to talk about Spiritual gifts but to talk about community.
These two quote inspired much of this sermon:
You have to let go of whatever you were, and become who you are. – Stacy, What not to Wear
“A woman must come of age herself. She must find her true center alone.” - Anne Marrow Lindbergh
On Thursday, I turned 25. 25 doesn’t feel like me, because now I can no longer deny to myself (or anyone else for that matter) that I am an adult. However, I also realize the beauty of the freedom to be an adult. With that freedom comes the realization that it is not really about the freedom to be an adult, it is the freedom to be myself. Not to necessarily become myself, but instead to recognize the life that God has given me. It seems I have only begun to find this freedom in adulthood. I have found that I can no longer rely on outside sources to define me, but must define myself. For example it no longer makes sense for me to say, “I am Benji’s little sister.” Or “I am Julie’s best friend”. My definitions of myself must come from somewhere else.
In a conversation with my mother a couple of months ago, I remember telling her that should I ever discover that I was adopted, I would lose my entire sense of self. I think we all do this in some capacity. We build who we are, who we think we are, who we want to be, on the communities in which we interact. A tangible example of this, is the You might be from Washington if things: you know stuff like…
You might be from Washington if you wear shorts in 60 degree weather.
You might be from Washington if you think Umbrellas are for tourists.
You might be from Washington if you think Oregonians are bad drivers.
We are from Washington. These tidbits describe us. They create a part of our identity.
My point here is that we can identify ourselves as individuals by the varying communities to which we belong now, either now, in the past, or in the future. So then we should ask, How does community affect our creation of our selves? Is it a positive or a negative affect? Well I suppose that depends on the community.
There has never been a time in my life that this community has not been directly or indirectly involved in my daily life. Even when I was away at college, I was financially and spiritually supported by you all. This community makes up a very large part of who I am. But I have to ask myself if I am always being as much myself as I could be while here with you. I am so used to being a certain person within these walls, that I don’t know if I am bringing the most of me and thereby the most of my understanding of Christ when I worship here. So I ask myself what do I check at the door when I come to you. What are those things that I leave behind in order to meet this community’s expectations of who I am, of who I need to be, etc etc. Simultaneously, I ask myself what you check at the door for the same reason… and then if I personally am the reason you would leave that behind.
When I come in I most often leave behind my struggles with paying my bills, my loneliness in Christ, my passion for liturgy and the Catholic Church, my hope for a husband, my despair over my inability to have my own children. Some days, when he is not with me, I leave behind my embarrassment and loss over having a homeless father, or my love for the new life my mother has made for herself outside of this community, and a whole slew of sins not worth mentioning in this moment. It is not because I think I would be shunned (although that fear exists) or that I fear you won’t know how to deal with my life, because if any community could embrace something as crazy as my inner-world, it would be this one. It is because this community has been one of very few constants in the whole of my life and I don’t want to feel the growing pains that could occur should I bring new portions of my self here.
But I recognize as well, that because I leave all of those things behind, I leave behind a whole huge portion of my understanding of Christ. My life in the last few years has drastically changed, and with it my views of Jesus and the Church. By not being the most of myself while I am here I am denying you access to the Christ I have come to know and love.
I leave behind the Christ that stood silently and stably by while I held my uncle’s hand through long nights of rattling breaths in his last days with us. I leave behind the Christ that accompanies me on the nights when I must dig through the streets of Seattle to find my father. I leave behind the Christ that has excused me from worry of sin, in order to worship him in love and obedience, rather than in fear and guilt. I also leave behind the Christ that I encounter just an hour before I arrive here… the Christ I find in the Catholic Church. I leave behind the Christ I find in the community I work in. He is a Christ of the world… a Christ that we may not acknowledge because my coworkers don’t trust his existence but live him in a way I have not encountered before. I leave behind the Christ my mother worships in the solitude of her own home, playing hymns on the piano purchased for her by a man she is not married to because she cannot find acceptance or love in any community. He bought her that piano just so she could worship Jesus… and yet he does not believe in Christ. I leave behind the Christ I find in that same man who supports my faith by dialoging with me about it, by purchasing my newest theological books from Amazon so that I can further my understanding of Christ. I even leave behind the Christ I encountered at Simpson. The Christ you sent me to learn, because He is full of ideas and theology that I am afraid would startle you to the point of no longer believing that I am a Christian. I am keeping these portions of Christ, and of myself, from you. I do this out of fear for myself, and fear for you. I do this because I do not want to experience what Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 8.
There is a very real responsibility we are charged with to not cause our brothers to sin by doing something that so challenges their faith that they then fall into sin. However, how can I know that what I am saying or doing or believing will cause you to sin if I am not in dialogue with you about it. I can ask you, “How do you feel about the inerrancy of the Bible? Do you feel that the Bible must be 100% correct in fact and grammar in order to 100% true… to be infallible?” In this way you must confront your beliefs and I must confront my community. I have chosen you as my community of faith. It is the beauty of this country. I can go to church wherever I want. I do not have to go to the church nearest my house (if I did I would become an Episcopalian). I have the absolute freedom to drive for an hour and worship with you. By choosing you though, I choose to submit to your “weaknesses”. I use this word not as an insult, but because Paul did in the passage I just read. It is important to remember that the freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. We have freedom in Christ to be who we are, to experience Him as we would, as He would direct us to. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6 and 10 that “Everything is Permissible, but not everything is Beneficial.” This is true for us.
I have spoken much from my own examples today. I wanted to start off the dialogue. I used my examples that I could set a precedent of self honesty. I want you to see who I am, and I want to see who you are. Not only the you that comes into this building, but all of the you the interacts with Christ. I encourage all of you to consider what you check at the door. Do you leave behind your job, your worries about money, your bitterness about traffic, your fear of death, or rejection, your love of something “unacceptable”. What parts of Christ are you keeping from me because you are afraid? What parts are for my own safety? What parts are you keeping from others in this church? Let us start the dialogue. I must always, because I am afraid of humanity, give the caution to move wisely. However simultaneously I will remind us all as we hopefully embark on a journey of exploring each other and the parts of Christ we find in each other, that grace is a gift from God. And that just as it is okay for me to express to you that there is a part of Christ for me that loves loving homosexuals, it is just as okay for you to express to me that that makes you uncomfortable. It is so important that we are dialoging. As a body of believers we must realize what affects one of us affects us all. When an eye ceases to see, the feet become unsure. I have chosen you, I have chosen your weaknesses. It is not our place to choose each other and then shun each other’s weaknesses. Rather it is our place to embrace those weaknesses and work to keep each other from sin. It would be a tragedy if in order to do that, though, we ceased to be who we are, who God has created us to be, who we are when we encounter Christ. That is not community. As Paul said, a foot should not become an eye in order to worship Jesus in a certain community. A foot should remain a foot and be the most footlike it be, and the eye should find joy in that. The most footlike I can be is to be a Protesting Catholic, daughter of a homeless man, daughter of a sinner who loves Jesus on her own, believer in a Jesus who does not condemn me or allow me to condemn others, lover of Arabic nations, and passionately celibate and single woman. What is the most footlike you can be (or eyelike, or handlike, or heartlike, or whatever!)
Please stand for this benediction
Let us move together toward a broader understanding of Christ, by gaining a broader understanding of our selves and of each other. “Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love. The fellowship of kindred minds is like to that above.”
1 Corinthians 12:1-6 and 12 – 27 I am skipping some sections because my goal is not to talk about Spiritual gifts but to talk about community.
These two quote inspired much of this sermon:
You have to let go of whatever you were, and become who you are. – Stacy, What not to Wear
“A woman must come of age herself. She must find her true center alone.” - Anne Marrow Lindbergh
On Thursday, I turned 25. 25 doesn’t feel like me, because now I can no longer deny to myself (or anyone else for that matter) that I am an adult. However, I also realize the beauty of the freedom to be an adult. With that freedom comes the realization that it is not really about the freedom to be an adult, it is the freedom to be myself. Not to necessarily become myself, but instead to recognize the life that God has given me. It seems I have only begun to find this freedom in adulthood. I have found that I can no longer rely on outside sources to define me, but must define myself. For example it no longer makes sense for me to say, “I am Benji’s little sister.” Or “I am Julie’s best friend”. My definitions of myself must come from somewhere else.
In a conversation with my mother a couple of months ago, I remember telling her that should I ever discover that I was adopted, I would lose my entire sense of self. I think we all do this in some capacity. We build who we are, who we think we are, who we want to be, on the communities in which we interact. A tangible example of this, is the You might be from Washington if things: you know stuff like…
You might be from Washington if you wear shorts in 60 degree weather.
You might be from Washington if you think Umbrellas are for tourists.
You might be from Washington if you think Oregonians are bad drivers.
We are from Washington. These tidbits describe us. They create a part of our identity.
My point here is that we can identify ourselves as individuals by the varying communities to which we belong now, either now, in the past, or in the future. So then we should ask, How does community affect our creation of our selves? Is it a positive or a negative affect? Well I suppose that depends on the community.
There has never been a time in my life that this community has not been directly or indirectly involved in my daily life. Even when I was away at college, I was financially and spiritually supported by you all. This community makes up a very large part of who I am. But I have to ask myself if I am always being as much myself as I could be while here with you. I am so used to being a certain person within these walls, that I don’t know if I am bringing the most of me and thereby the most of my understanding of Christ when I worship here. So I ask myself what do I check at the door when I come to you. What are those things that I leave behind in order to meet this community’s expectations of who I am, of who I need to be, etc etc. Simultaneously, I ask myself what you check at the door for the same reason… and then if I personally am the reason you would leave that behind.
When I come in I most often leave behind my struggles with paying my bills, my loneliness in Christ, my passion for liturgy and the Catholic Church, my hope for a husband, my despair over my inability to have my own children. Some days, when he is not with me, I leave behind my embarrassment and loss over having a homeless father, or my love for the new life my mother has made for herself outside of this community, and a whole slew of sins not worth mentioning in this moment. It is not because I think I would be shunned (although that fear exists) or that I fear you won’t know how to deal with my life, because if any community could embrace something as crazy as my inner-world, it would be this one. It is because this community has been one of very few constants in the whole of my life and I don’t want to feel the growing pains that could occur should I bring new portions of my self here.
But I recognize as well, that because I leave all of those things behind, I leave behind a whole huge portion of my understanding of Christ. My life in the last few years has drastically changed, and with it my views of Jesus and the Church. By not being the most of myself while I am here I am denying you access to the Christ I have come to know and love.
I leave behind the Christ that stood silently and stably by while I held my uncle’s hand through long nights of rattling breaths in his last days with us. I leave behind the Christ that accompanies me on the nights when I must dig through the streets of Seattle to find my father. I leave behind the Christ that has excused me from worry of sin, in order to worship him in love and obedience, rather than in fear and guilt. I also leave behind the Christ that I encounter just an hour before I arrive here… the Christ I find in the Catholic Church. I leave behind the Christ I find in the community I work in. He is a Christ of the world… a Christ that we may not acknowledge because my coworkers don’t trust his existence but live him in a way I have not encountered before. I leave behind the Christ my mother worships in the solitude of her own home, playing hymns on the piano purchased for her by a man she is not married to because she cannot find acceptance or love in any community. He bought her that piano just so she could worship Jesus… and yet he does not believe in Christ. I leave behind the Christ I find in that same man who supports my faith by dialoging with me about it, by purchasing my newest theological books from Amazon so that I can further my understanding of Christ. I even leave behind the Christ I encountered at Simpson. The Christ you sent me to learn, because He is full of ideas and theology that I am afraid would startle you to the point of no longer believing that I am a Christian. I am keeping these portions of Christ, and of myself, from you. I do this out of fear for myself, and fear for you. I do this because I do not want to experience what Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 8.
There is a very real responsibility we are charged with to not cause our brothers to sin by doing something that so challenges their faith that they then fall into sin. However, how can I know that what I am saying or doing or believing will cause you to sin if I am not in dialogue with you about it. I can ask you, “How do you feel about the inerrancy of the Bible? Do you feel that the Bible must be 100% correct in fact and grammar in order to 100% true… to be infallible?” In this way you must confront your beliefs and I must confront my community. I have chosen you as my community of faith. It is the beauty of this country. I can go to church wherever I want. I do not have to go to the church nearest my house (if I did I would become an Episcopalian). I have the absolute freedom to drive for an hour and worship with you. By choosing you though, I choose to submit to your “weaknesses”. I use this word not as an insult, but because Paul did in the passage I just read. It is important to remember that the freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. We have freedom in Christ to be who we are, to experience Him as we would, as He would direct us to. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6 and 10 that “Everything is Permissible, but not everything is Beneficial.” This is true for us.
I have spoken much from my own examples today. I wanted to start off the dialogue. I used my examples that I could set a precedent of self honesty. I want you to see who I am, and I want to see who you are. Not only the you that comes into this building, but all of the you the interacts with Christ. I encourage all of you to consider what you check at the door. Do you leave behind your job, your worries about money, your bitterness about traffic, your fear of death, or rejection, your love of something “unacceptable”. What parts of Christ are you keeping from me because you are afraid? What parts are for my own safety? What parts are you keeping from others in this church? Let us start the dialogue. I must always, because I am afraid of humanity, give the caution to move wisely. However simultaneously I will remind us all as we hopefully embark on a journey of exploring each other and the parts of Christ we find in each other, that grace is a gift from God. And that just as it is okay for me to express to you that there is a part of Christ for me that loves loving homosexuals, it is just as okay for you to express to me that that makes you uncomfortable. It is so important that we are dialoging. As a body of believers we must realize what affects one of us affects us all. When an eye ceases to see, the feet become unsure. I have chosen you, I have chosen your weaknesses. It is not our place to choose each other and then shun each other’s weaknesses. Rather it is our place to embrace those weaknesses and work to keep each other from sin. It would be a tragedy if in order to do that, though, we ceased to be who we are, who God has created us to be, who we are when we encounter Christ. That is not community. As Paul said, a foot should not become an eye in order to worship Jesus in a certain community. A foot should remain a foot and be the most footlike it be, and the eye should find joy in that. The most footlike I can be is to be a Protesting Catholic, daughter of a homeless man, daughter of a sinner who loves Jesus on her own, believer in a Jesus who does not condemn me or allow me to condemn others, lover of Arabic nations, and passionately celibate and single woman. What is the most footlike you can be (or eyelike, or handlike, or heartlike, or whatever!)
Please stand for this benediction
Let us move together toward a broader understanding of Christ, by gaining a broader understanding of our selves and of each other. “Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love. The fellowship of kindred minds is like to that above.”
Monday, June 29, 2009
Afghanistan
I dreamt last night that JDBman was sent to Afghanistan for his third tour. And that he died there. And that there was no one to tell me he died. Until I went there and met the man who killed him (I know that that part is ridiculously unrealistic, but it was a dream). I woke up crying. Again ridiculous.
I went back to sleep. I dreamt that I faced these men in Afghanistan and I wept in front of them. I wept their own pain. I wept their anger. I felt none of my own emotion. This frustrated me.
The frustration stems from the fact that I am more comfortable loving men who kill my friends and letting them know that I love them, than I am telling my friends that I love them. It's bizarre. Maybe it's more than bizarre. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's everything I tell myself that I am not.
Regardless, this has me thinking about things. Where is the line between my own cowardice and wanting to be pursued? Is it more important to keep my mouth shut and know that I am wanted or to open my mouth and know that courage in love is greater than fear of rejection. I've never asked myself this question before. Because I have always assumed it was wrong for me to consider it.
Meh, the petty meanderings of a single girl. How I love that these things are not the end of the world.
I went back to sleep. I dreamt that I faced these men in Afghanistan and I wept in front of them. I wept their own pain. I wept their anger. I felt none of my own emotion. This frustrated me.
The frustration stems from the fact that I am more comfortable loving men who kill my friends and letting them know that I love them, than I am telling my friends that I love them. It's bizarre. Maybe it's more than bizarre. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's everything I tell myself that I am not.
Regardless, this has me thinking about things. Where is the line between my own cowardice and wanting to be pursued? Is it more important to keep my mouth shut and know that I am wanted or to open my mouth and know that courage in love is greater than fear of rejection. I've never asked myself this question before. Because I have always assumed it was wrong for me to consider it.
Meh, the petty meanderings of a single girl. How I love that these things are not the end of the world.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Endorphins, Efficacy, and Evangelism
Exercise amazes me. It really is a balm for the soul and an outlet for all things unholy. Anger, passion, overdrive, anxiety, and fear all melt away as the endorphins release and peace settles in. Lately I have not been exercising as much as I should (indeed very little at all). However this time of reclaiming me, I have found that I am happy to reclaim exercise. May I just share with you my favorite work out space. I can visit any YMCA in the greater Seattle area and work out, for less than I would pay at a gym, and I am supporting one of my favorite not-for-profits. I take a quick five block jaunt down the street from work, I exercise, I jaunt back to my car and TADA! I am calm, happy, and energized little girl. I adore running (or gliding is generally more accurate) and reading my Vanity Fair or my newest collection of short stories by Matthew Volmer at the same time. Just thinking about it makes me settle down.
Last night as my little feet were gliding away and sweat was poring down my back, I was reading about Bernie Madoff's sons and how they are dealing with the tragedy that has struck their family in the form of their father's horrid display of human indecency. I was sad to be reading the article in the first place, mostly because it was just gossip mongering (and a generally lower form of it than I would expect from my dear Vanity Fair), but also because so many people are so angry about this whole scam, and rightfully so? Maybe. I don't know. I am troubled that there are people throwing punches, curse words and threats over the million dollars they just lost. I understand that is a formidable amount of money, but do they not see that running for sympathy to people who will not make that much money in the whole of their lives is ridiculous? I am sadder for the sons who are taking the blame for their father's crime, than I am for the employees and investors kicking and screaming because they have to sell their yacht and pull their children out of the 40K/yr private schools they attend. Maybe that is a little harsh, maybe I just think it is ridiculous that there are that many people with that much money in this world, and still we cannot seem to feed the starving in our own country let alone those in remainder of the world. It is entirely possible (and perhaps more likely) that this feeling has spawned from the many musings rolling around in my head lately. - so that long tangent is to get to the point of efficacy.
I adore efficacy. Sometimes I forget my fondness for abstinence and the way that it feeds my soul. This can be evidenced in my love for Lent. I relate efficacy and abstinence for some reason. Maybe because keeping thing simple is the easiest way to keep things efficient. I am not sure. In my recent journey to discover how to not base my relationship with Christ and the Church on sin, I have in many instances given up my love for abstinence and obedience to delve into experiences and moments that are not driven by my fear of sin. As I am learning (and daily practicing) my new skill set, which allows me to live with Jesus outside of and irregardless of sin, I am finding that I can practice many forms of efficacy (abstinence, simplicity, obedience, monasticism, etc) because of the pure pleasure it brings to my soul, and not because I think it will make me a better Christian, or less of a sinner, or whatever other guilt-bound reasoning I have previously used to explain why these practices were so endearing to me. I do not know why I love efficacy, but I do know that there is nothing which can help me more to realize Christ in my daily life.
Listling of my efficacy as of late:
1. I have not eaten out (save father's day) in two weeks. at all... not even for coffee.
2. Gym. hmmm...
3. reading me some N.T. Wright before bed, followed by a fairy tale from this book
4. No make up (this is due as much to my recent bout of pink eye as it is to efficacy but has been refreshing nonetheless)
It is amazing how balanced I feel in these practices of efficacy. I know I am saving copious amounts of money by not eating out. I know that I am gaining peace by working out. I know that I am feeding my brain health food, rather than the fast food I generally indulge in. And every day I have gone sans make up I have received so many compliments (IE. Your skin looks great!, Well, you look radiant today., Did you do something different? You look so fresh and young. ) Still, again, the best part about all of this is knowing that it has nothing to do with the fact that I am avoiding guilt and sin in these practices. I am practicing them because I am feeding my soul and for this reason I am proud of myself. For this reason I think I may have found my sermon topic. For this reason, I have once again found my love of evangelism (by evangelism, I mean protestantism... I still see evangelism as necessary practice, but one in which I will not participate unless specifically told to do so by Jesus).
The return of my love for evangelism has come with the remembrance that it does in fact feed my soul to be both protestant and catholic. I have chosen this not because it is a calling (although it may be), not because I am avoiding sin (although I may be :P ), not because I want to teach you something (although I do), but because it feeds my soul. Rest. I am who I am.
To your rest: May it be healthy and peaceful,
B.
P.S. My next post may be about affirmation, falling in love, Alaska, or it may be about something altogether new and different!
Last night as my little feet were gliding away and sweat was poring down my back, I was reading about Bernie Madoff's sons and how they are dealing with the tragedy that has struck their family in the form of their father's horrid display of human indecency. I was sad to be reading the article in the first place, mostly because it was just gossip mongering (and a generally lower form of it than I would expect from my dear Vanity Fair), but also because so many people are so angry about this whole scam, and rightfully so? Maybe. I don't know. I am troubled that there are people throwing punches, curse words and threats over the million dollars they just lost. I understand that is a formidable amount of money, but do they not see that running for sympathy to people who will not make that much money in the whole of their lives is ridiculous? I am sadder for the sons who are taking the blame for their father's crime, than I am for the employees and investors kicking and screaming because they have to sell their yacht and pull their children out of the 40K/yr private schools they attend. Maybe that is a little harsh, maybe I just think it is ridiculous that there are that many people with that much money in this world, and still we cannot seem to feed the starving in our own country let alone those in remainder of the world. It is entirely possible (and perhaps more likely) that this feeling has spawned from the many musings rolling around in my head lately. - so that long tangent is to get to the point of efficacy.
I adore efficacy. Sometimes I forget my fondness for abstinence and the way that it feeds my soul. This can be evidenced in my love for Lent. I relate efficacy and abstinence for some reason. Maybe because keeping thing simple is the easiest way to keep things efficient. I am not sure. In my recent journey to discover how to not base my relationship with Christ and the Church on sin, I have in many instances given up my love for abstinence and obedience to delve into experiences and moments that are not driven by my fear of sin. As I am learning (and daily practicing) my new skill set, which allows me to live with Jesus outside of and irregardless of sin, I am finding that I can practice many forms of efficacy (abstinence, simplicity, obedience, monasticism, etc) because of the pure pleasure it brings to my soul, and not because I think it will make me a better Christian, or less of a sinner, or whatever other guilt-bound reasoning I have previously used to explain why these practices were so endearing to me. I do not know why I love efficacy, but I do know that there is nothing which can help me more to realize Christ in my daily life.
Listling of my efficacy as of late:
1. I have not eaten out (save father's day) in two weeks. at all... not even for coffee.
2. Gym. hmmm...
3. reading me some N.T. Wright before bed, followed by a fairy tale from this book
4. No make up (this is due as much to my recent bout of pink eye as it is to efficacy but has been refreshing nonetheless)
It is amazing how balanced I feel in these practices of efficacy. I know I am saving copious amounts of money by not eating out. I know that I am gaining peace by working out. I know that I am feeding my brain health food, rather than the fast food I generally indulge in. And every day I have gone sans make up I have received so many compliments (IE. Your skin looks great!, Well, you look radiant today., Did you do something different? You look so fresh and young. ) Still, again, the best part about all of this is knowing that it has nothing to do with the fact that I am avoiding guilt and sin in these practices. I am practicing them because I am feeding my soul and for this reason I am proud of myself. For this reason I think I may have found my sermon topic. For this reason, I have once again found my love of evangelism (by evangelism, I mean protestantism... I still see evangelism as necessary practice, but one in which I will not participate unless specifically told to do so by Jesus).
The return of my love for evangelism has come with the remembrance that it does in fact feed my soul to be both protestant and catholic. I have chosen this not because it is a calling (although it may be), not because I am avoiding sin (although I may be :P ), not because I want to teach you something (although I do), but because it feeds my soul. Rest. I am who I am.
To your rest: May it be healthy and peaceful,
B.
P.S. My next post may be about affirmation, falling in love, Alaska, or it may be about something altogether new and different!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
In preparation
July 12th, 3 days after my 25th birthday, I will speak in Church again. I have no assigned topic, and have been spending some serious time considering, researching, and writing to discover the story I wish to convey.
These are the topics I have covered in the past:
1. My father
2. The over accessibility of Christ (how to deal with how he speaks to me)
3. Post-modernity and modernity in the Church
4. Gomer
So far, I have nothing solid. I have considered talking about living in the Grey, and how that is not the same as holding a view opposite to those around you. This thought was birthed over dinner with the Morris'. I have been realizing that often I think I am "grey" because I am the black to the church's white, which is of course entirely untrue. I just am not sure where I would start or go with this idea. However, The Grey made me consider Pontifex, which is Latin for Bridge Builder, and the next tattoo I am planning for my body. The idea is my life a bridge builder between the Catholic and Protestant churches. But again, I don't know what this holds for anyone outside of myself. Pontifex made me consider what I have written in this space, and looking back on this year. I have considered talking about a year in the valley of the shadow of death, as 2009 is proving to be for me, but I do not know what hope I can offer in that topic. Lastly I have thought about talking about Jesus, but I have no idea what I would say. I feel that the topic of Christ is the topic for which I am least qualified, least prepared. My life with him is so solitary for me, so inexplicable, that I have no clue what I would say. I feel that my commitment to not base my life with Christ on sin in anyway, and the implications of that commitment, would shock those with whom I was sharing. Lastly, I thought maybe I should speak about 25 years in that church: What I've seen, who I have known, the tragedy, the growth, the love, the continuity, and the community of such a place. I don't know. Do you have thoughts?
I am preparing in this time, as well, for my trip to Alaska. My prayers are more fervent and excited than they have been in so long. I cannot begin to understand why I desire this trip so deeply. But oh how I want to be ready for anything. I am bolstering my courage, readying my spirit, working out to increase my body strength. I seriously want to be ready for anything. What is wrong with me?
Lastly, I am preparing to move to my new apartment. Packing begins on Saturday. I am excited.
That is all for now, because I am getting anxious to do something other than blog. and I am thirsty, and I want to be in Alaska now.
Bis Dann my loves,
B.
These are the topics I have covered in the past:
1. My father
2. The over accessibility of Christ (how to deal with how he speaks to me)
3. Post-modernity and modernity in the Church
4. Gomer
So far, I have nothing solid. I have considered talking about living in the Grey, and how that is not the same as holding a view opposite to those around you. This thought was birthed over dinner with the Morris'. I have been realizing that often I think I am "grey" because I am the black to the church's white, which is of course entirely untrue. I just am not sure where I would start or go with this idea. However, The Grey made me consider Pontifex, which is Latin for Bridge Builder, and the next tattoo I am planning for my body. The idea is my life a bridge builder between the Catholic and Protestant churches. But again, I don't know what this holds for anyone outside of myself. Pontifex made me consider what I have written in this space, and looking back on this year. I have considered talking about a year in the valley of the shadow of death, as 2009 is proving to be for me, but I do not know what hope I can offer in that topic. Lastly I have thought about talking about Jesus, but I have no idea what I would say. I feel that the topic of Christ is the topic for which I am least qualified, least prepared. My life with him is so solitary for me, so inexplicable, that I have no clue what I would say. I feel that my commitment to not base my life with Christ on sin in anyway, and the implications of that commitment, would shock those with whom I was sharing. Lastly, I thought maybe I should speak about 25 years in that church: What I've seen, who I have known, the tragedy, the growth, the love, the continuity, and the community of such a place. I don't know. Do you have thoughts?
I am preparing in this time, as well, for my trip to Alaska. My prayers are more fervent and excited than they have been in so long. I cannot begin to understand why I desire this trip so deeply. But oh how I want to be ready for anything. I am bolstering my courage, readying my spirit, working out to increase my body strength. I seriously want to be ready for anything. What is wrong with me?
Lastly, I am preparing to move to my new apartment. Packing begins on Saturday. I am excited.
That is all for now, because I am getting anxious to do something other than blog. and I am thirsty, and I want to be in Alaska now.
Bis Dann my loves,
B.
Monday, June 15, 2009
because I love Jesus
Things I did this weekend... because I love Jesus.
1. Shot down a boy. because I love Jesus.
2. Went to church on four hours of sleep. because I love Jesus.
3. Paid a fatty check to go to Alaska. because I love Jesus.
4. Took time to relax and make cuppy cakes and watch ducklings and nap and read Things fall apart and eat dinner and discuss the church's role in social morality and watch Joel and Brain make fire and drink three cups of coffee at mom and dad's house with Jennifer. because I love Jesus.
5. I decided to really research something, which I will explain later. because I love Jesus.
So I shot down this boy. I've been seeing him a bit for a while, and the conversation of how far our relationship would go has not ever come up, until Saturday night. I shot him down... like big time. He understood, he said, "It's not a problem". I then said, "It's going to become a problem because I'm not going to change my mind... like ever and I made a promise of chastity, and well honey, you're not getting any." At this point it got very quiet. After a very long awkward silence he said, "why?". I got the biggest smile on my face, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Because I love Jesus." We talked about it a bit more. I told him I wouldn't be unfair, that I did not want to lead him on, that honesty and integrity were important to me. He said that he leaves for LA this week and will think about it while he's gone. This was a fabulous moment for me. I don't feel badly about my choice (and my friends the choice is made). More than anything else, what is great is that it is my choice, and I feel more myself because of it, even if I never see him again. Most importantly this is not about the sin (although I do recognize the importance of said sin, I have committed not to base my relationship with God on sin, and instead to base my relationship with God on Jesus, and Grace... I will discuss my theology on this in later, and earlier posts). This choice is about me being me. Because I am who I am. Because I made a promise to Jonathan Morris, that I would remain chaste. I kept my promise. And although I value Jonathan Morris and my commitment to him as my Pastor, I am more happy about the fact that I was me ... all of the way, and that I am not embarrassed about it. Does that make sense? I may have to explain it to Mr. Date further, but I know so definitely that this is my choice. This is a big deal for two reasons: 1, My choices have a tendency to be more about me being the person I am trying to please, rather than me being me and 2, I have found in this moment, that I have the ability to not sin without making sin/guilt my motivator for not sinning! Hallelujah. Maybe this seems straight forward to you, but learning to not motivate myself with guilt and sin has been (and may continue to be) a very long road for me.
Needless to say that on Saturday night (Sunday Morning?) I didn't get home until very late. I made a commitment last week, to myself and to Jesus, that I would attend church every Sunday until after I go to Alaska (btw, I AM GOING TO ALASKA!!! see next paragraph for more details). I was worried when I got in bed, that I would sleep right through my alarm and not make it to church. I prayed- I said Jesus, I made this commitment to you, help me keep it. Please wake me up. I rarely pray before bed, because I often fall asleep before I get my prayer out, but that night I prayed. The next morning my alarm went off at 8:30. I shut off the alarm and thought, Rebecca you are crazy, you can't do this, you are way too tired, just admit that you screwed up by coming home so late, you are guilty, embrace it and go back to sleep. So I closed my eyes and intended to go back to sleep. But then, I felt a jolt of energy, I opened those eyes, I smiled and I said HECK NO TECHNO! I'm going to church! and up I got. I was 15 minutes late for church, but I was there by golly. And it was ridiculously wonderful.
While at church, I wrote a check for more than 1 months rent, and I am going to ALASKA! I seriously don't think I have been this excited about anything in years. I can't stop talking about it, reading about it, loving about it. Seriously. So I have a Benji in Alaska, who was and is a good friend of mine from Multnomah. I loved him then, and by golly, I love him now. He is the worship pastor? for a small church plant in Juneau. Coincidentally, Jonathan is very close with the pastor of said Church plant and is taking a "mission team" to Juneau to help them build a yurt and do some other stuff. I decided a while back that I wanted to visit my Benji this summer, and now I am going to visit him, with a purpose. I really don't know why I am so excited. I mean I am happy to see Benji. I am happy to build a yurt. But I am ECSTATIC about going to Alaska. I just really can't wait. I think this has something to do with Jesus.
After church, I went to Jen and Brian's house to hang out. I played the farming game with Brain. He beat me. The filthy bastard. And I made cuppy cakes with Jenn, while listening to Pandora's Madonna station. yeah baby. And I napped after reading 1 chapter of Things fall apart. And I had dinner with Joel, and Mom, and Dad, and Jenn, and Brain. And it was fabu. Sunday relaxo time because I love Jesus.
Because I love Jesus, I love this little me, and am learning to love this little me very well, and I am loving it! Because of all of that, I have delving into myself to know what this little me wants to do with the next part of this little life. I think I want to do some sort of church admin. The Catholic Church has degrees in this kind of ministry. I am committed to research this, to talking to people who have done it, and to be curious about something other than my previously committed and still well loved, near eastern studies.
So Jesus. I love you. And Becca, I love you too. And Internet, you are just the peachiest peach. And friends. welcome to my world.
1. Shot down a boy. because I love Jesus.
2. Went to church on four hours of sleep. because I love Jesus.
3. Paid a fatty check to go to Alaska. because I love Jesus.
4. Took time to relax and make cuppy cakes and watch ducklings and nap and read Things fall apart and eat dinner and discuss the church's role in social morality and watch Joel and Brain make fire and drink three cups of coffee at mom and dad's house with Jennifer. because I love Jesus.
5. I decided to really research something, which I will explain later. because I love Jesus.
So I shot down this boy. I've been seeing him a bit for a while, and the conversation of how far our relationship would go has not ever come up, until Saturday night. I shot him down... like big time. He understood, he said, "It's not a problem". I then said, "It's going to become a problem because I'm not going to change my mind... like ever and I made a promise of chastity, and well honey, you're not getting any." At this point it got very quiet. After a very long awkward silence he said, "why?". I got the biggest smile on my face, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Because I love Jesus." We talked about it a bit more. I told him I wouldn't be unfair, that I did not want to lead him on, that honesty and integrity were important to me. He said that he leaves for LA this week and will think about it while he's gone. This was a fabulous moment for me. I don't feel badly about my choice (and my friends the choice is made). More than anything else, what is great is that it is my choice, and I feel more myself because of it, even if I never see him again. Most importantly this is not about the sin (although I do recognize the importance of said sin, I have committed not to base my relationship with God on sin, and instead to base my relationship with God on Jesus, and Grace... I will discuss my theology on this in later, and earlier posts). This choice is about me being me. Because I am who I am. Because I made a promise to Jonathan Morris, that I would remain chaste. I kept my promise. And although I value Jonathan Morris and my commitment to him as my Pastor, I am more happy about the fact that I was me ... all of the way, and that I am not embarrassed about it. Does that make sense? I may have to explain it to Mr. Date further, but I know so definitely that this is my choice. This is a big deal for two reasons: 1, My choices have a tendency to be more about me being the person I am trying to please, rather than me being me and 2, I have found in this moment, that I have the ability to not sin without making sin/guilt my motivator for not sinning! Hallelujah. Maybe this seems straight forward to you, but learning to not motivate myself with guilt and sin has been (and may continue to be) a very long road for me.
Needless to say that on Saturday night (Sunday Morning?) I didn't get home until very late. I made a commitment last week, to myself and to Jesus, that I would attend church every Sunday until after I go to Alaska (btw, I AM GOING TO ALASKA!!! see next paragraph for more details). I was worried when I got in bed, that I would sleep right through my alarm and not make it to church. I prayed- I said Jesus, I made this commitment to you, help me keep it. Please wake me up. I rarely pray before bed, because I often fall asleep before I get my prayer out, but that night I prayed. The next morning my alarm went off at 8:30. I shut off the alarm and thought, Rebecca you are crazy, you can't do this, you are way too tired, just admit that you screwed up by coming home so late, you are guilty, embrace it and go back to sleep. So I closed my eyes and intended to go back to sleep. But then, I felt a jolt of energy, I opened those eyes, I smiled and I said HECK NO TECHNO! I'm going to church! and up I got. I was 15 minutes late for church, but I was there by golly. And it was ridiculously wonderful.
While at church, I wrote a check for more than 1 months rent, and I am going to ALASKA! I seriously don't think I have been this excited about anything in years. I can't stop talking about it, reading about it, loving about it. Seriously. So I have a Benji in Alaska, who was and is a good friend of mine from Multnomah. I loved him then, and by golly, I love him now. He is the worship pastor? for a small church plant in Juneau. Coincidentally, Jonathan is very close with the pastor of said Church plant and is taking a "mission team" to Juneau to help them build a yurt and do some other stuff. I decided a while back that I wanted to visit my Benji this summer, and now I am going to visit him, with a purpose. I really don't know why I am so excited. I mean I am happy to see Benji. I am happy to build a yurt. But I am ECSTATIC about going to Alaska. I just really can't wait. I think this has something to do with Jesus.
After church, I went to Jen and Brian's house to hang out. I played the farming game with Brain. He beat me. The filthy bastard. And I made cuppy cakes with Jenn, while listening to Pandora's Madonna station. yeah baby. And I napped after reading 1 chapter of Things fall apart. And I had dinner with Joel, and Mom, and Dad, and Jenn, and Brain. And it was fabu. Sunday relaxo time because I love Jesus.
Because I love Jesus, I love this little me, and am learning to love this little me very well, and I am loving it! Because of all of that, I have delving into myself to know what this little me wants to do with the next part of this little life. I think I want to do some sort of church admin. The Catholic Church has degrees in this kind of ministry. I am committed to research this, to talking to people who have done it, and to be curious about something other than my previously committed and still well loved, near eastern studies.
So Jesus. I love you. And Becca, I love you too. And Internet, you are just the peachiest peach. And friends. welcome to my world.
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