I have been in LA learning my business even better. I feel that I have the tools for ultimate success, but am wary because of the time it will take to implement them. The week was not only full of work lessons but life lessons as well.
I met a boy in LA. A boy that I intended to lead to my friend Pam, who was very interested in him. My plans backfired and he ended up interested in me. Interesting. He was extremely attractive, in fact our company uses him as a model, so in that it was great to know I've still got it. I did feel horribly that my plan backfired, but heavenly Jesus he was a wonderful evening of fun. The next day was not so great... because he followed me around like a little puppy. I'm not sure the lesson here, other than to remember that being so nice can have it's consequences.
I also fought with Benji, alaska benji not brother benji, this week. I found that much of what I hated in myself (or at least some piece of it) from the time of Andrew, is still in me. I was startled by this. I had to apologize and rethink myself. Remember me. Know me. I didn't know that that was a daily thing. I thought that once I knew, my actions would line up with that. It apparently doesn't work that way. I wish that life wisdom was more permanent, more instantly accessible. Less affected by emotion.
I am happy about the fact that I figured it out though, before it became a serious problem. We worked it out and all is normal again. I have to be careful though. It is the most bizarre experience of my life to get to know someone again after 5 years of no contact, especially when it is all over the phone. I am really hoping that things are not awkward when I actually get to Alaska. I hope I am not setting up expectations. I hope that I am not lost. I hope that I am not alone.
Long lessons are hard to learn. I thought that I had just grown up and out of all of the problems I saw in my relationship with Andrew. I never expected to see them in me again. I hate that they are still there. I hate that I avoided a birthday party in an attempt not to see those things in me when I faced Andrew. I hate that I am avoiding figuring out exactly what is wrong with me.