Monday, June 15, 2009

because I love Jesus

Things I did this weekend... because I love Jesus.
1. Shot down a boy. because I love Jesus.
2. Went to church on four hours of sleep. because I love Jesus.
3. Paid a fatty check to go to Alaska. because I love Jesus.
4. Took time to relax and make cuppy cakes and watch ducklings and nap and read Things fall apart and eat dinner and discuss the church's role in social morality and watch Joel and Brain make fire and drink three cups of coffee at mom and dad's house with Jennifer. because I love Jesus.
5. I decided to really research something, which I will explain later. because I love Jesus.

So I shot down this boy. I've been seeing him a bit for a while, and the conversation of how far our relationship would go has not ever come up, until Saturday night. I shot him down... like big time. He understood, he said, "It's not a problem". I then said, "It's going to become a problem because I'm not going to change my mind... like ever and I made a promise of chastity, and well honey, you're not getting any." At this point it got very quiet. After a very long awkward silence he said, "why?". I got the biggest smile on my face, shrugged my shoulders and said, "Because I love Jesus." We talked about it a bit more. I told him I wouldn't be unfair, that I did not want to lead him on, that honesty and integrity were important to me. He said that he leaves for LA this week and will think about it while he's gone. This was a fabulous moment for me. I don't feel badly about my choice (and my friends the choice is made). More than anything else, what is great is that it is my choice, and I feel more myself because of it, even if I never see him again. Most importantly this is not about the sin (although I do recognize the importance of said sin, I have committed not to base my relationship with God on sin, and instead to base my relationship with God on Jesus, and Grace... I will discuss my theology on this in later, and earlier posts). This choice is about me being me. Because I am who I am. Because I made a promise to Jonathan Morris, that I would remain chaste. I kept my promise. And although I value Jonathan Morris and my commitment to him as my Pastor, I am more happy about the fact that I was me ... all of the way, and that I am not embarrassed about it. Does that make sense? I may have to explain it to Mr. Date further, but I know so definitely that this is my choice. This is a big deal for two reasons: 1, My choices have a tendency to be more about me being the person I am trying to please, rather than me being me and 2, I have found in this moment, that I have the ability to not sin without making sin/guilt my motivator for not sinning! Hallelujah. Maybe this seems straight forward to you, but learning to not motivate myself with guilt and sin has been (and may continue to be) a very long road for me.

Needless to say that on Saturday night (Sunday Morning?) I didn't get home until very late. I made a commitment last week, to myself and to Jesus, that I would attend church every Sunday until after I go to Alaska (btw, I AM GOING TO ALASKA!!! see next paragraph for more details). I was worried when I got in bed, that I would sleep right through my alarm and not make it to church. I prayed- I said Jesus, I made this commitment to you, help me keep it. Please wake me up. I rarely pray before bed, because I often fall asleep before I get my prayer out, but that night I prayed. The next morning my alarm went off at 8:30. I shut off the alarm and thought, Rebecca you are crazy, you can't do this, you are way too tired, just admit that you screwed up by coming home so late, you are guilty, embrace it and go back to sleep. So I closed my eyes and intended to go back to sleep. But then, I felt a jolt of energy, I opened those eyes, I smiled and I said HECK NO TECHNO! I'm going to church! and up I got. I was 15 minutes late for church, but I was there by golly. And it was ridiculously wonderful.

While at church, I wrote a check for more than 1 months rent, and I am going to ALASKA! I seriously don't think I have been this excited about anything in years. I can't stop talking about it, reading about it, loving about it. Seriously. So I have a Benji in Alaska, who was and is a good friend of mine from Multnomah. I loved him then, and by golly, I love him now. He is the worship pastor? for a small church plant in Juneau. Coincidentally, Jonathan is very close with the pastor of said Church plant and is taking a "mission team" to Juneau to help them build a yurt and do some other stuff. I decided a while back that I wanted to visit my Benji this summer, and now I am going to visit him, with a purpose. I really don't know why I am so excited. I mean I am happy to see Benji. I am happy to build a yurt. But I am ECSTATIC about going to Alaska. I just really can't wait. I think this has something to do with Jesus.

After church, I went to Jen and Brian's house to hang out. I played the farming game with Brain. He beat me. The filthy bastard. And I made cuppy cakes with Jenn, while listening to Pandora's Madonna station. yeah baby. And I napped after reading 1 chapter of Things fall apart. And I had dinner with Joel, and Mom, and Dad, and Jenn, and Brain. And it was fabu. Sunday relaxo time because I love Jesus.

Because I love Jesus, I love this little me, and am learning to love this little me very well, and I am loving it! Because of all of that, I have delving into myself to know what this little me wants to do with the next part of this little life. I think I want to do some sort of church admin. The Catholic Church has degrees in this kind of ministry. I am committed to research this, to talking to people who have done it, and to be curious about something other than my previously committed and still well loved, near eastern studies.

So Jesus. I love you. And Becca, I love you too. And Internet, you are just the peachiest peach. And friends. welcome to my world.

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