A New life... again.

I have this awful cycle in my life where I must continually start over and build a new life. I am so very tired of it. But facts must be faced and I must again start over. I have a lovely home, and my lovely friends and family, but other than that I need to build life all over again.

I need a new job. I got laid off from my wonderful new job that I posted about a few posts back. Laid off again. ugh.

I need a new car. I sold my car when my company got me a new car, which I had to give back when I was laid off. ugh.

I need a new boyfriend. I know this one isn't as essentially true. But I would like a family some day and I have decided it is well past time to realize that I have to put the last one out of my mind.

So here's my mission. I am very studious once I have goals. Extremely fastidious. I will be again. Right now.

Today's goals:
1. Work out: I find it easier to get men to like me when I weigh less. Some of that has to do with my confidence level (most of it actually) and some of it has to do with facts of life.
2. Clean my room and do laundry: I'm having a party on Saturday and this just has to be done. The rest of the house is ready, now I have to get ready.
3. Apply for 15 jobs. Yes 15. I also have to recreate my tracking list of job applications. I did this last time and had a job very quickly.
4. Apply for unemployment. I couldn't do this earlier so I'm doing it today.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 15 jobs.
3. Shop for Saturday's party.

Saturday's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 5 jobs (I get a weekend relaxation break.)
3. Clean the house one last time before the party.

That's enough goals for this moment. :)

Dating again...

So because my lovely wonderful ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, I started dating again. Am I ready to date again? The answer remains a resounding NO. Do I continue to date again anyway? Well Yes. Yes I do.

Being the overly intelligent woman I am, I decided to start dating again only two weeks after he broke up with me. The first guy I went out with was out for 1 thing and 1 thing only. I've rarely been treated less like a lady. I let him know that he was not for me immediately.

The second guy I went out with is super nice but we decided to be just friends. We get along well but we don't have any kind of chemistry and I find him a little annoying. However, he can be really cool to hang out with. So we hang out sometimes.

The third guy I went out with, I have been out with twice now. He really likes me. He is so very nice. He's funny and he thinks I'm hilarious. He's an architect. I should be thrilled.

But I'm not. I'm not thrilled and I feel terrible about it. He is really really cool, but I can tell he likes me way more than I like him. Mostly because I don't have any kind of feeling for him. Mostly because when I am out with anyone, I am wishing that it was Ananth sitting across from me instead of whoever I happen to be out with. I just sit there and continually force my thoughts away from him. And then I pray that all of that would go away. Hurray for being such a freaking sucker.

Can I just tell you that dating is so much work. Half the time I'm wishing I wasn't on a date and the other half of the time I'm thinking about getting my "I need attention" meter filled for the day. And this is what makes me such a terrible person.

I hate having to break things off with someone I don't even know. More though I hate that I feel like I need to be with someone. Ugh.

Okay I'm going to a Sounders game now. First Soccer game. Huzpas!

My Christian Heritage

This post could go in so many positive directions, but instead it will likely scream of doom and gloom. You see, I've found in the last month as I have wondered lonely and hopeless through the dark that I have a heritage passed down to me through generations... one I'm not entirely proud of.

Here are some things that bother me about the Christian Culture in which I was raised:

1. The expectation that I should and would marry young
2. The expectation that trials and tribulations later result in the Grace of God and much happiness.
3. The expectation that when we say "God works all things for the good of those who love Him", what we really mean is that even when bad things happen, later something nice will happen that will make those bad things make sense.
4. The fear of worshiping God or being mindfully in His presence when I have not spent conscious time confessing my sins and seeking forgiveness.
5. The horrible tension between the idea that it is my choice to love and follow Him, but that in all reality He is in control of everything. If we follow the implications of these two separate doctrine's to their ends, God ends up looking like a jerk in both circumstances.
6. The fact that I have to shut my mind off at a certain point in my theological study in order to not get really mad at Him.
7. The absolute desire for a simple unquestioning faith so that I can have a little peace from Him for a while.
8. The necessity of my heart and soul to seek Him whenever life goes to pot and to praise Him when things are joyously fantastic. And the tendency of complacency in between... and frustration with that complacency.


I have this overwhelming desire to teach God things. I do. As much as I've never wanted to be a teacher or a speaker, I must admit at some point that these are my natural gifts. The problem is that list up there. I can't say these things inside the church (at least the lay church) and not scare people... I mean I can say those things, but not their logical ends. Not the things that I really want to talk about like how religions develop... like how ours developed... like how that should affect our understanding of truth throughout the centuries... like how no matter how I dice it, God ends up being responsible for sin and pain and death. I wish I wasn't so limited. I feel that He gave me enough of a brain and conscience and love and heart and something that I can see that He is more than the box I originally made for him...so much more, but not enough of all of those things to really understand the implications of Him living outside of my box. I don't want to want to punch Him in the face anymore. I would really like proof that He cares about me as an individual and not just as one of the bunch of us humans that He came to save and give life to in the first place. Signs and Miracles. How weak I am.

So how do I teach, when I'm not sure what to believe? How do I bind myself to a congregation when I am too afraid of myself to get close to them... because every time I let them all in I end up hurting people and they me and I know that's relationship... but I promise this is worse than normal.

Confession: Ananth is so very gone from my life. I miss him. And I want to understand why that relationship happened if not for love. I still hurt, but I accept that it is over. A lot of my frustration with God has to do with not letting me have that life... and with His unwillingness to provide me with a new future now that that one is gone.

Okay that's all. I have to go give a presentation now.

Getting Better and Getting Worse

I'm getting better. I'm not as heartsick. I'm still sad and I have no idea how to really make plans for a future, but I don't feel like dying anymore. I'm upset to be brokenhearted over something so very not my fault. I'm frustrated with myself for falling in love so easily and yet proud of myself at the same time. My next goal is to find a new future for myself. And to imagine the possibility of love again. And to not miss him so much.

My sister in law's mother, however, is getting worse. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago and things are not yet the miraculous better that I prayed for. There is still so much hope and some time and now it is my prayer that no matter how this concludes or when, that it will conclude with peace and love.

Ah life... you were so good to me in 2011. Here's to making the best of the worst.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand apples.

I am not okay

On Monday I was dumped for the first time in my life by a man I was very much in love with. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I was looking forward to having his children. I wanted to be his forever.

And now I am not okay. This hurts so much more than death. This is the worst part of life. I know that some day I will be better, but I have no idea when someday will be. I keep praying that it could please be today.

Booty Camp

This morning I went to Booty Camp. A few weeks ago, I made the decision to spend more money than is really necessary on exercise that is set up in a way that will make me want to go. Southside Booty Camp was my answer. I'm spending enough to spend two days at Disneyland in order to work out outside in a park that overlooks the Space Needle and the Puget Sound with a bunch of other women.

Booty Camp is hard core, but really not that bad. I think the best thing that came out of it is that I realized that I at least have the potential to be hard core again too. I was exhausted when I got home. The 3 flights of switch back stairs in my apartment were the hardest part of the morning... WAY harder than getting up at 5:30am and WAY harder than the sprints and lunges and workout etc.

So now Monday - Thursday from 6:15 -7:15am, I will be working my tail feathers. Hopefully the tail feathers will blossom and grow (they are currently lacking), but the tummy pooch, thunder thighs, and arm jigglers will fall right off. I'm exhausted today and I'm sure I'll be more exhausted tomorrow, but hopefully by the end of this first session (one month long) I will be getting into a groove.

I was joking with a friend yesterday that I'm hoping not to lose any weight or size but just turn was currently is into the creepiest mass of muscle ever seen on a woman. I'm really hoping that doesn't actually happen.

Coincidentally, I've also learned that my body is getting old. It doesn't respond to stretching the way it always has. I found latent strength, but not latent flexibility. I was a little bummed about that.

So hopefully I'll feel better about this body of mine. I've decided that exercise is for how I feel and dieting is for how I look. I can't feel guilty about exercise or I won't do it. I can't feel motivated about dieting because that's just ridiculous... so I've just separated them into two categories and called it good.

Coming back?

Am I justified in rejoining the blogging world after an absence of roughly 9 months? Even if I'm not justified, I'm going to do it.

I promise I wasn't gone for 9 months for the normal reasons that people are gone from things for 9 months. It just worked out that way. By this I mean that I don't have a child, nor am I pregnant.

Here's the updates for those of you don't know (but let's face the fact that you probably all do):
1. I am still with Ananth. I'll probably get in trouble if he ever finds out I put his real name on my blog.
2. I have a new job. And oh heaven how fantastic it is to make so much more money. Not that money is my sole source of motivation, but I do love not stressing about funds.Oh I also love this job.
3. My father and mother are both alive and well. Dad is skinny and can't really walk anymore, but Mom is still doing great and living her life as though cancer were just an accessory she puts on in the morning to make her more heroic and unique.
4.  I found out that I hate living alone. So I'm moving back in with Lillian in June. Cause we're just that baller.
5. I am not nearly as practiced at introspection as I once was.

I rode a ferry boat today. While this fact is true and lovely, I only wrote it because I can't think of anything else to say. Last night I decided I needed to start writing again. I haven't written any secret letters, real letters, journal entries, or notes to self in the same 9 months that I haven't written a blog. I took a big old fancy writing and introspection hiatus. I am so ridiculously out of practice that last night I wrote 1 paragraph.. and it was pretty much about how I didn't know what to write about but felt the need to put pencil to paper.

I gave up desserts for Lent. But all I really want to do tonight is take a walk with my boyfriend and go get some fro-yo. I guess I'll have to live with not doing that.  Maybe we can walk and get some Mexican instead.

Now that I don't work there anymore, I am amazed at just how much I hated my last job. There were things I sincerely loved. Like my employees and my students and their families and the majority of my coworkers. And that's a lot of good reasons to stay. But since they kicked me out, I feel like it's now okay to say that that job sucked out my soul. But it left me with the skills to do my new job which is so creepily happy and wonderful that I seriously keep asking my new coworkers to tell me things that are bad about the company just so I know that this magical world of fairyland creatures that give me everything I could possibly wish for and then even more is actually real. Getting this job after working at my last job is like living your whole life as a Muggle and then falling in love with and marrying Harry Potter.


And just now, I've distracted myself with lots of interesting news articles regarding things like the new Hunger Games movie trilogy and the Kony2012 scandal and the 2012 Troll Stroll... so now I'm going to go read other peoples more interesting words.

Here's hoping another installment will follow in the days to come.