Tuesday, May 8, 2012

My Christian Heritage

This post could go in so many positive directions, but instead it will likely scream of doom and gloom. You see, I've found in the last month as I have wondered lonely and hopeless through the dark that I have a heritage passed down to me through generations... one I'm not entirely proud of.

Here are some things that bother me about the Christian Culture in which I was raised:

1. The expectation that I should and would marry young
2. The expectation that trials and tribulations later result in the Grace of God and much happiness.
3. The expectation that when we say "God works all things for the good of those who love Him", what we really mean is that even when bad things happen, later something nice will happen that will make those bad things make sense.
4. The fear of worshiping God or being mindfully in His presence when I have not spent conscious time confessing my sins and seeking forgiveness.
5. The horrible tension between the idea that it is my choice to love and follow Him, but that in all reality He is in control of everything. If we follow the implications of these two separate doctrine's to their ends, God ends up looking like a jerk in both circumstances.
6. The fact that I have to shut my mind off at a certain point in my theological study in order to not get really mad at Him.
7. The absolute desire for a simple unquestioning faith so that I can have a little peace from Him for a while.
8. The necessity of my heart and soul to seek Him whenever life goes to pot and to praise Him when things are joyously fantastic. And the tendency of complacency in between... and frustration with that complacency.

I have this overwhelming desire to teach God things. I do. As much as I've never wanted to be a teacher or a speaker, I must admit at some point that these are my natural gifts. The problem is that list up there. I can't say these things inside the church (at least the lay church) and not scare people... I mean I can say those things, but not their logical ends. Not the things that I really want to talk about like how religions develop... like how ours developed... like how that should affect our understanding of truth throughout the centuries... like how no matter how I dice it, God ends up being responsible for sin and pain and death. I wish I wasn't so limited. I feel that He gave me enough of a brain and conscience and love and heart and something that I can see that He is more than the box I originally made for him...so much more, but not enough of all of those things to really understand the implications of Him living outside of my box. I don't want to want to punch Him in the face anymore. I would really like proof that He cares about me as an individual and not just as one of the bunch of us humans that He came to save and give life to in the first place. Signs and Miracles. How weak I am.

So how do I teach, when I'm not sure what to believe? How do I bind myself to a congregation when I am too afraid of myself to get close to them... because every time I let them all in I end up hurting people and they me and I know that's relationship... but I promise this is worse than normal.

Confession: Ananth is so very gone from my life. I miss him. And I want to understand why that relationship happened if not for love. I still hurt, but I accept that it is over. A lot of my frustration with God has to do with not letting me have that life... and with His unwillingness to provide me with a new future now that that one is gone.

Okay that's all. I have to go give a presentation now.


What? said...

I'm glad I can read this. Well put.

Becca said...