Monday, December 15, 2008

wandering through the hearts icey regions

These last few days have been apart from others in the recent past. This look at Gomer I am doing is beginning to get to me. I remember why my heart so understands her heart.

This has been a time of trying to capture some balance between idyllic faith and informed religion. In this search for peace I have lost such large portions of my soul that I feel I have not been breathing properly for some time.

The pressure to know exactly the answer of how to be a protestant who is catholic who is protestant and still devoutly catholic has weighed, and does weigh, so heavily on my very skin that I am debilitated and cannot move with Jesus. This grieves me.

The pressure to be happily married, or happily dating, or defined somehow by my relationship or lack there of has moved me (or forced me) to a place of acceptance of all that is NOT me. I know I won't give in to love until I meet that perfectly flawed one, but I will date to appear sufficient or stable or normal? until that time comes. That is disgusting and so not who I am.

I have been Gomer. I have seen her in me since I found she had once existed. The ways I have used sin to excuse myself, or to be myself, to free myself. my SELF. my independent need to claim something in me for me alone. This is why I sin on purpose. This is why I run after things I know I don't want. This is why I am Gomer. why she is me. Why we are we.

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