Friday, August 27, 2010

Boundaries and Gynecologists

UGH! I love boundaries but I hate having to enforce them. I am on the edge of a full on panic attack. So there's this guy. Super great guy. Very nice, funny, endearing, Catholic, BLACK... I mean seriously, what more could I ask for (honestly I could ask for a few languages and an accent, but then I'd be dating Dr. Kachiga...). There is just one thing wrong (I refuse to say it's something wrong with him but rather wrong in general): He won't leave me alone. I haven't even been on a date with the guy yet, and he texts me all the time and wants to talk on the phone EVERY night. I'm going crazy. I am already tired of him. He doesn't even give me time to miss him before he is all over me again with the questions and the cheesy one liners (I am so not the girl that falls for cheesy one liners). And to top it all off, he has to tell me every single day that I am either cute or sexy or hot or all of the above. I hate it when men do that. I am extremely aware that I am fantastically beautiful. I do not need or want anyone tell me that all the time. I get it enough in general to not worry about it. If I hear it too much, I feel awkward and uncomfortable and cheap. UGH! So last night I told him I didn't feel up to talking on the phone, and today when he asked again, I told him I don't want to talk on the phone again until after our date. Because I need space. "Spazio!"

So then I have to wonder if I am just not cut out for a relationship, because talking to anyone that much would drive me crazy. Then this morning I had coffee with Bryce and I discovered that I enjoy my relationship with him. Because we can talk or not talk, we can be and sit and play and laugh and fight and at the end we still love each other and walk away friends. I have learned with Bryce that there isn't really anything I can do that we won't just bounce back from and vice versa. Friendship like that is gorgeous. I realized that I want a romantic relationship that is that easy. I don't want to feel needed or needy. Bleh. Just the idea of it makes my skin crawl. And so boundaries prove to be my salvation once again. Never have I been more grateful that I decided to do counseling to learn how to do boundaries. Ugh...

Also, I have a woman's dr. appt. on Monday. Now if you don't know me (and maybe even if you do), you may not know just how much I hate going to the doctor. I despise it. Like a lot. Like you would not believe. Even more than I hate normal doctors, I hate gynecologists. I can't even explain it in comprehensible words. From 16 - 24 I didn't go to the gynecologist once, because I hated them so much. At 24, Jessica made me go. So she went with me. She held my hand the whole time. I cried a little. I nearly hyperventilated. I didn't go last year, because I hated it so much. This year I have to go, because I am a grown up and because I have this stupid disease and I have to go on the stupid pill to make sure that if I ever decide to get married I can have stupid children. UGH! And Jessica won't be here to go with me. So I have to be a real woman and go by myself. So I picked out a new doctor (I have two qualifications for Gynecologists. They must be male and they must be over 50.... I know it's weird). But I'm proud of myself, because let's face it, at some point these cysts may become cancer or need to be removed. At some point, this silly little disease which may take away my childbearing ability, may prove more horrible than silly. It doesn't scare me like it used to, but that doesn't mean I get to ignore it.

One great thing about going on the pill... it means I have to quit for reals this time.

So have a happy weekend. I know I might. or I might not. But tonight I am going to Danny's Birthday party, and brotherBenji is coming with me. Tonight will be awesome. I love him.

3 comments:

earthmuffin said...

So why isn't this Bryce guy dateable? Seriously, now. And I feel your pain about the big girl doctor. Read this if you start having a foot apparel crisis.
http://earthmuffin.wordpress.com/2009/04/11/socks-and-the-obgyn/
Buena Suerte!
-Em

Becca said...

As Bryce would say, he is my gay guy pal, who just happens to be straight. That is why he is not dateable. He's just my man friend.

And thanks for the tip about socks vs. no socks. I will keep that in mind.

CHall said...

My OBGYN is male and over 50 too. I didn't choose him for those reasons consciously, but looking back, I see that I felt safer with him than any doctor I had seen before. Good for you for taking charge of your health. I hated going the first few times too, but in the end I've come to respect the role my doctor plays in my life and I am thankful for it.