Sunday, October 25, 2009

Frozen toes and burning lips

What is it about the cold and chilling days of October and November that makes me crave male attention? I sit here, finally attaining what I have craved all week, time to myself with my laptop, a book, and the TV, and all I can want is a warm man at the other end of the couch to sit on top of my frozen toes and hold my hand through the scary parts in the movie I am watching. I don't want him to talk or disrupt my thinking, just to be here, to keep me company, to keep me warm, to keep me safe. And this is the moment when I hate all of the options I have to fulfill that want, to bring that warmth, because none of them is right. So in some respect there is triumph in feeling the annoying cold assaulting all parts of my body not covered by my quilt.

I spent much of my week with JDBman. I must tell you he is really my favorite person in this city. So considerate, kind, hilarious, comfortable, generous. And we are friends in the best of right ways. I just had to tell someone that, and not have them have the ability to say, "Then why aren't you dating him?"

I love how people ask that as though I'm going to have an answer. I don't know why I date the men I do and don't date the ones I don't. Of course sometimes I have a reason... because he is ugly, or mean, or annoying, or proud... but sometimes we are just friends and that is just life. That is just the way things are. So stop asking because I don't have another answer.

It has been over a month since I kissed a boy (I mean willingly and with my consent). I know that doesn't sound very long, but it sounds long to me. Even though before that it had been 3 (maybe 4) months, and before that... mmm maybe 6 months? oh wait that may not be right. The point is that one year ago (almost to the day) it had been years since I had been kissed. Years. So one month should not seem long... but it does.

And I want it to snow.

That is really all I have for now.


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