There is this horrifying something I have realized over the last few days: I am not willing to marry without exactly everything I want (love). I have always thought that I could and even would marry without love, that I would give up everything about myself (my hopes, dreams, desires) to marry. However, I am just not that girl. Could I be that girl? I could have, but times, they change.
There is a man in my world who is good to me. He would forever do right by me. He will forever do right by my family. He is loyal to a fault. No man has ever been as dedicated to my family as he is, without actually being family. I should marry him. I should take him home and take care of him, the way he has taken care of us, of me. I should give up my life for him, because then we would owe him nothing. But I won’t.
I really thought I would do this. Find that man who would be there for my family and marry him no matter how much I didn’t want him. For that reason, I sometimes think that this man is for me. For that reason, I sometimes think I want to be with him forever. For that reason, I sometimes think that do love him. But sometimes is most certainly not always. And sometimes just isn’t going to cut it.
“Meh” is all I can say about the men I’ve met. Meh. I’m not impressed. I’m not excited. I’m not willing to expend energy. Meh. I heard once that “Love is just love”. Is that really true? Am I expecting too much of men? Am I expecting something that just isn’t? Really people, I know I am picky, but I am just not that impressed. I want to shake most men I’ve met and say “Really? Is that the best you can do?”
And so, I’ve also discovered that I believe I would be more “lovable” if I were not so picky. And so, I am happy to be picky. And so, I am delighted to be single. And so, I am glad that I am the only person letting me down. And so, I am thrilled to say, that I went grocery shopping, will clean, and take care of this little me. And so, I should know that I am capable of taking care of this little me, all by myself. Thank you very much.
But sometimes (I admit in my small voice) even though I know I am capable, I just don’t want to anymore.
I think this could be (tell me if I am wrong) because after taking care of all of the others, there just isn’t energy (or time?) to care for this little me. And this, my friends, makes me very very angry. I want to know something. I want to know: Could I be extremely happy taking care of this little me if I was not taking care of everyone else? Then comes the question: Do I have the wherewithal to be selfish (I know that not all of you will think that this is selfish, but don't touch that part... it's the way I see it and I think I have to experience it before I can see it differently...) for just two weeks, just two, to test out this theory? To only take care of me for two weeks? Opinions? Can I do this and not offend?