The Academy

I watched the Oscars tonight. And I have a few things to say so I've written an outline to help you follow my very wandering train of thought.

• Uncle Tim, who is on the academy.
• My tears, regarding Heath, Mickey, Queen, Hugh, and all other fabulousness.
• My sister.
• My head.
• The end and how I missed it.
• The fresh and very raw pain, and Andrew.

So first. Uncle Tim. My uncle, Tim O'Connor, who played "Doc" on Buck Rodgers and the 21st Century, is a part of the Academy. He votes. I always wonder for whom he votes, but I never ask. He is wonderful, and I was thinking, during the Oscars, how lovely it would be to vacation at his home all alone for once and sequester myself in his "movie room" and just watch all of the Oscar magic from years gone by (they have all those nominated films). It would be fabulous to get away so beautifully, and realistically, from my real life.

I wept. WEPT at the very moment Heath won his Oscar. WEPT. Mickey should have won. Mickey who, more than anyone has ever, made me realize what a glutton I am for pain in relationships. I wanted to save him so badly, and for that reason alone he was sexy. As soon as I realized the reason, his sexiness was lost on me, and suddenly I was hit with immensity of the face that I am drawn to those who need me, and that above all, that very amazing love I am looking for will come not from the man who needs me to live, but the man who doesn't, but chooses me anyway. Ha! if he exists. If not, I am and always will be the most comfortable and happy of singleness I've seen and experienced.

I love watching the Oscars with my sister.

My head ached all the way through the Oscars. I was at my mothers for the show, but didn't go anywhere else today, for the pain that trapped me. Yesterday a very large piece of drywall hit me on the head and I passed out. Today I am dealing with the pain of that reality in a way I didn't expect. It hurts and I am worried that something may really be wrong. If there is one pain in this world I don't deal well with it is pain in my head, because I can't explain it.

I was watching the Oscars a few minutes behind the actual recording. The recording died at the very spot that Sophia Loren is about to introduce Meryl Streep. I don't know how the show ended. I could kill something.

Everywhere at the Oscars there seemed to be this very real pain. Pain of loss over Heath, the pain of reality in Mickey. the gorgeous pain that is Adrienne Brody. All of this brought to me the beauty that was Andrew for me. And how he is not, was not, the beauty for me. Don't get me wrong, Andrew is by far one of the most beautiful men I have ever met. Regardless, he is not the man for me. I say this a year after his marriage to another woman, but it is of utmost importance that we all know that I am ecstatic that I am not that woman, and that there is indeed a woman in his arms tonight. I am happy to realize that when I give up my beautiful life, it will be only for a life so beautiful, I could not create it on my own. I will give up my dreams only for the greatest reality. Even if that greatest reality never materializes.

My next post will be titled "No virgin, No Virgil." Yes I already have it planned.