maybe?

So today I was thinking... maybe I do so many things because I am looking all over the place to find what it is I am looking for. Then I have to ask, what am I looking for?

That extra something. It used to be here. now it is not. It has no name, no place, no description. its that something. that thing in your stomach that burns when something is so right and so complete, it hurts. its that something that immense love, exact happiness, extreme pain, and intense fear all have in common. I think the word is passion... but I'm not sure... maybe its hope.

Today Auntie Jeanette told me to set boundaries. Even Auntie Jeanette. I just want to know... someone tell me... when I set those boundaries, who is going to take care of the things I stop taking care of? Are you going to do it? Of course not.

So if its passion? How do I find it? So if its hope? shouldn't I have that? Don't I? I am really hopeless and without passion? Do I honestly believe that I won't go to grad school and feel that again? That I won't fall in love with SOMEthing or SOMEone... anything, anyone? No. I must not believe that... because Rebecca Anne doesn't believe such things. Rebecca Anne is full of passion for life and hope is her gosh darn forte.

So it's all good.


right?

Finding time

So I have a problem: People in my life are beginning to notice that I am over committed and are trying to actually do something about it FOR me.

Examples:
My counselor: Is actually making make time for myself... and for dates. I am paying her to do this, yes, but what a pain to have to be accountable to someone about how I spend my time.
Coworker Laura: Wrote me an email telling me she was giving me four hours of time next week to run errands for me or something else so that I could have time for myself.
Coworker Jacob: Won't let me work extra shifts because he somehow has decided that I work too much.
Coworker Chadd: Saves my life every day.

I make time for me... examples:
I did laundry this week: This is an absolute HUGE accomplishment... because I did it all myself, not at my mother's house, AND I even folded it and put it away. Everyone should be impressed.
I grocery shopped: Admittedly I did this online and had them delivered to my home because I did not have the time to go to the store, BUT! I did it... something I have not done since sometime during the summer.
Last weekend I bought a sofa: Two solid hours of time for me! woot. AND I am the only person who will benefit from said sofa.
Tomorrow I will have beer with JDBman: See time with a friend even. Man I am getting good at this.

I am working diligently to reorder my life. Work is extremely important to me. I want to find a way to do it extremely well, and live up to my expectations of myself at work, without being there over 50 hours per week. 50 hours is my new limit. Let's see if I can do it. This means I have to time track.

Family is also extremely important to me, but I want to be sure I am spending good time with them. I think I can do this by being more intentional about how I spend time with them. Actually I have no idea how to make my family time better... but I am trying to figure this out. I love them and we are all extremely close, but how do I actually intentionally make this more.

Church is way up there too... but I go to two churches, and one is far away. Right now I am committed to being at them each at least twice per month, but I want to do more. Suggestions about how to make that work are very welcome because I can't figure out a better way without wearing out myself or my relationship with Jesus. Too much church has a tendency to turn me off to God. What the heck does that mean?

Friends... like Julie... how I would like to spend more time with them. Scheduling and distance are difficult though. But if this is going to be on my list, I again must be proactive about finding a way.

Lastly, I think it might be important for me to date, but again I'm not sure how to make this work. My job naturally introduces me to new men once every six weeks or so. However, I don't know how I want all of this to work. I don't like online, I don't like random, I don't like making people think I'm boy crazy, and mostly I don't like disappointing people or allowing them to think that I am not pursuing this correctly. Why is it that there is this double standard that Christian women my age should be married, but should not pursue this on their own and instead wait on God. Or is that just my projection? Answer anyone?

Lastly again, just me. I take time for me every morning. A whole hour or two, depending on my need for sleep. However, I occasionally need time to just hang out with me. So how are we going to fit that in?

Living life well takes a lot of work. Creating processes for making my life ordered is hardcore. But I'm working on a schedule. On normalcy. On consistency. On Beauty.

mein schonheit ist mein schmerzen

No worries, this one will not contain all of that scandalous material of the other (for my one scandalous reader, do not fear, I will continue it there but create dialogue here). I found that I wanted to collaborate in my other blog, but only scared others so badly they would not touch me with a ten foot pole, let alone dialogue with me. In conjunction with that, I find I have absolutely GOT to find a way to dialogue with people in real life if I want my dialogue to occur via blog... or at all.

I've decided I need a place to write about the normal things, because if I'm talking about normal things maybe, just maybe I will engage in the normal things... and maybe someday normal will become beautiful, and I can stop needing my pain to be my beauty.