I haven't been writing because I haven't felt inspired to do so. But I have 13 minutes, and I've just finished catching up the bloggerina I am most dedicated to, so I feel amply filled with enough vocabulary to do justice to my current life.
I can't say the words I want to lately. They are bottled up neatly within me and they are terrifying words. They are words I have to wait to say because of the rules that bind my heart and soul. I won't even let myself write them for fear that writing them will loose my tongue and I will break the rules. I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Even my own.
I now have 10 minutes. 10 minutes until HE arrives to pick me up and take me to my favorite couple's house for games and nosh and wine. Doesn't that night sound fabulous? And it will be. My favorite couple, are part Garreth and part Danny, who does not have a blog that I am aware of but who is my constant hero.
7 minutes (I was interrupted by a question from an employee). 7 minutes to discuss that I am overwhelmingly happy in my life. I am searching for apartments, succeeding at work, and falling constantly for this guy. But I feel that it will all tip at any moment and all come crashing down around me. I am frantically trying to perfect all those things that are currently imperfect before they have a chance to ruin my now nearly perfect life. Never before have I feared doom like I do now. I dread its inevitableness (did you even know that was a word?).
4 minutes. 4 minutes to tell you that I am at peace with where I am and the choices I am making. I have peace about it for today. I love it for today, but now, somehow, I am worried that I will not be happy with these choice when I look at them five years from now. The permanence of my decisions and how they can affect my soul hereafter is so much more present than it has been in the past.
1 minute. 1 minute to run off because my make up needs applying. 1 minute to say I love you. because I can say it here. to you.