Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The New Year update, the nonblogger, and the now

New Year's updates:
1. Normal 25 yr old girl resolutions (ie. lose weight, stop feeling fat, meet man, stop needing man to validate me, work harder, stop being a workaholic, decide on grad school, stop looking to grad school for your next adventure... etc, etc.)
2. Benaroya! I sing at Benaroya on March 14th. Email me for more information!!!
3. Nothing exciting happens anymore.

Lately I haven't felt like blogging. I have things to write about (Minneapolis and the boy there, Christmas and it's miracles, awkward moments, love, joy, peace, patience, other fruit like apples and how much I love them), but I haven't felt much like putting forth the effort. I am feeling very nonchalant about it even now. Cavalier even. Like it doesn't much matter what I say or do because I am a random 25 year old single girl living in a big city and lost among the millions of others exactly like me and drowning in a pool of sub-twenty somethings and married thirty somethings. So while not apathetic, I do feel some level of pointlessness to my daily meanderings through these streets.

Now. The now is much the same as it ever was. Waiting for death (my perpetual vocation... not my own death, but the death of yet another loved one), dealing with life (not my life, but the ever dramatic lives of those around me), and waiting for self actualization (as if this is a destination and not some kind of self settled process by which I realize who I am. I think I am beginning to believe that this process is more like insanity: achievable only because I tried too hard to be the opposite of what I actually am).

So I will go on dreaming of men that don't exist, obeying a God I can't understand, and feeling my way through streets whose names I can never remember (something like Jesus (James and some other J word) Christ (Cherry and some other C word) Made (Marion and some other M word) Seattle (S... S... crap I forgot the S ones) Under (Union and University! Woo I can remember those) Pressure (Pike and Pine... I don't get points for those... people from New York probably know those.))

Goodnight loves. and love you I do. Kyrie eleison.

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