Saturday, November 14, 2009

looking for something to blame...

I think I am experiencing something new in this moment. I am wishing that I had been intoxicated tonight... to the point that in the morning (four hours from now) I could actually have a hangover. Then I could blame everything that happened on the alcohol. I could call it a bad choice, a crazy night, but chalk it all up to some drinking and move on. Unfortunately, I am wretchedly responsible and don't do things like that. Unfortunately any bad choices from this night fall on me, as I am, wretched and heartless.

Tonight I let the boundaries of a two year friendship fail. These weren't your typical boundaries either. They were beautiful boundaries. Boundaries unlike I had ever set and kept in my life. Boundaries to be proud of. Boundaries to take home to dinner and introduce to Grandpa. The kind of boundaries you learn in Sunday School in 8th grade. And I threw caution to the wind and prayed my way through shameless behavior.

Yes I prayed. All night. Lord, have mercy. Lord, help us. Lord! Lord!

I didn't kiss him. I didn't hold his hand. I can still say we have good boundaries, but I would be lying. Nothing really happened, but everything has changed and we both know it. I am still a good girl. Still passionately celibate, but if I were his girlfriend, I would hate me, and that right there tells me that tonight I crossed the line.

JDBman and all of my favorite things about him may never be the same again. But I doubt that. I think they will be exactly the same, and in that small way we will slap each other in the face.

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