I believe very firmly in gender roles, rites of passages, tradition. I believe very firmly in what should be. I am an idealist. Today this has caused me overwhelming and immense pain. Pain I haven't felt since I was a teenager.
I try extremely hard to put aside those things that classically separate people from each other (age, religion, sexuality, education, etc.) I like people. I like knowing them. I like challenging myself by allowing them to know me. I absolute hate when that goes badly.
I went to dinner with a 75 year old man tonight. I thought I was reaching out, being friends. I should be safe. I should be okay with a man like that. I shouldn't have to guard myself. I am so angry that I can't trust people. I wait and I wait for a person I can trust. I am afraid I am going to become unintelligible right now. That these words will cease to make sense.
Where is my ability to be a person? Where is the justice? Where is the reciprocation? Please... world... let me love you without you making that love dirty.