Thursday, January 29, 2009

My soul is screaming...

I believe very firmly in gender roles, rites of passages, tradition. I believe very firmly in what should be. I am an idealist. Today this has caused me overwhelming and immense pain. Pain I haven't felt since I was a teenager.

I try extremely hard to put aside those things that classically separate people from each other (age, religion, sexuality, education, etc.) I like people. I like knowing them. I like challenging myself by allowing them to know me. I absolute hate when that goes badly.

I went to dinner with a 75 year old man tonight. I thought I was reaching out, being friends. I should be safe. I should be okay with a man like that. I shouldn't have to guard myself. I am so angry that I can't trust people. I wait and I wait for a person I can trust. I am afraid I am going to become unintelligible right now. That these words will cease to make sense.

Where is my ability to be a person? Where is the justice? Where is the reciprocation? Please... world... let me love you without you making that love dirty.

1 comment:

Iscah Mara said...

please stop going to dinner alone with old men.

i am so sorry that the world keeps letting you down.

there is a difference between finding strength in yourself and putting your guard up. Being wise and being afraid. Trusting in humanity and trusting in the 75 yr old perv across the table from you.

you cannot keep waiting for a man to protect you. in fact, you don't have to, because you have several to fill that role. if i had a penis, i would count myself among them.

i think the sentence that scares me the most in this post is, "I like challenging myself by allowing them to know me."

your life is not an experiment, nor is your heart to be toyed with like a staged trial. the greatest reality of this is that you cannot control all the variables of life, let alone its results. and, why should you want to?

controlling variables is not living, it's hiding. i see you peeking from behind the stage curtains, wondering whether or not to come out and disrobe before whatever audience you've asked to attend, only to find your grand gesture of vulnerability rejected or violated.

go back stage, head to the green room, wash the theatre makeup from your face, put on your blue jeans, walk down the exit stairs off stage left, inhale, walk up the center row of the theatre, don't look around to see who's watching, through the big double doors, passed the bar in the lobby and out the glass doors of the theatre.

your standing on the street, it's just sprinkling a light mist. this is your life. the hum of light traffic, a long street with a stop light at either end. the only decision you have to make is left, right or straight. so, which way is it going to be?

let's have a drink soon! i miss the hell out of you.