Things Fall apart...

If I had a nickel for every post that started out with life and ended in death, I would be the richest girl in the world.... or I'd at least have enough money to buy myself a diet coke.

I will say all the right things everywhere else. I will be perfect everywhere else. I will keep it together for everyone else. But here, now, with you, I'm going to let it go.

My dad is dead.

I am so shaken and lost. I don't even know how to process this. I really thought he was going to live forever and continue to be my responsibility forever. I thought that this would be my life long burden. I was ready for that.

I knew that there was a relatively low chance of him living 5 years past his surgery. I knew that he really had to quit drinking in order to live a full life. I have been watching him shrink away to practically nothing for over a year. I knew all that... but I thought he would be like a twinkie... well preserved and while not healthy not something that would kill you either.

But then boom like a flash of light and a crack of the universe he was not. He ceased. He ended. He left. Again.

I have thought forever that my father wouldn't live to walk me down the aisle. The two times I've been close to marriage, I've had to rearrange my childhood wedding plans to fit him in because he was never a factor, never supposed to make it. Now it seems so wrong that he actually won't be there.

I hate planning this funeral. I hate it so much. I don't want anyone else to do it. I want to do it all. But I hate it.

I may have been overwhelmed by my father for many years. Angry at him for a few. But it was an honor to care for him, to fight for his life, and to give all I had to be here with him. I would do it again. And better.

I love you, Daddy. I miss you too much already.

The Architect...

A few months ago, I posted about dating. I mentioned that I had been out twice with an architect that I liked but wasn't interested in. Well two more months have passed and we are still dating.

I planned every time I went out with him to break it off. I planned and talked and planned. But it never happened. Because every time we went out I had fun. I couldn't do it. He was so nice and funny and I just couldn't.

He wore me down. We are still seeing each other and I've given up. I like him. I like him a lot. It hasn't made Ananth go away in any measure, but I am moving on. I am terrified that this is too soon and that I'm just rebounding or looking for love or something, but I'm trying to trust myself and let it be okay.

I don't think he's my boyfriend, but we haven't talked labels. He is so okay with this slow progression that I am letting myself be okay with it too. I don't know what we are... so I just say we are "seeing each other".

So I'm dating the architect. And we'll see how that goes.

Slightly Irreverent

I have been attending a church in Maple Valley, WA for the entirety of my life. I haven't always been a regular attender, but regular enough. Let me preface everything I have to say here today with this: This group of people has been my solid consistent source of joy for 28 years. I love them so much that I don't know what to do with them most of the time.

I was chatting with a man from my church today. He is not new to the church, but I don't know him well, which is strange in our church of just over 100 people. We've talked before and I find him amusing and his wife is a riot. Today he told me he'd like to know me better... that I'm intelligent and funny... and slightly irreverent.

Those last two words pretty much sum up my relationship with my church in the last couple of years... or five. It all started when I went away to Bible College and came home with strange thoughts on God. It increased when I decided to pledge myself to the Catholic Church and still continue in community with this small evangelical protestant congregation. And then it got worse when I went out into the world with a Theology degree strapped to my back and had to begin to live this newly defined and vocalized ideal I had built for myself.

These days I walk into church and feel like a joke. No one really takes me seriously. I'm just that slightly irreverent girl who probably loves Jesus and will probably be in Heaven, but really is just wrong about most things. I have a big vocabulary and I've studied a lot but I don't really know what it is to just have a simple faith anymore. I don't have anything to offer them but a smile and yet another crazy story about how my family is falling to pieces so they can pray for me.

It makes me sad. I feel apart from most of them. Part of that is probably me, but I know I worry some of them and scare some of them and really full on terrify some of them. I don't know how to be a helpful part of Christian community anymore without denying what I believe.

I want to find that place where I can worship with those whom I love without being thought crazy. I want to worship with my Auntie. I want to worship with both of my churches at the same time. I want to worship with my gays. I want to not walk into the church where everyone knows me and feel like I will never again fit in.

I miss myself in that community. I know I don't belong there anymore, but I don't know how to leave them. They are my family and leaving seems so sad and lonely.

Read the Bible

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs, and checking out their facebook page and this led to this facebook event. I hate reading things like this. I don't care that people want to support Chick-fil-A's decision not to support same sex marriage. I totally understand and support the church's stand on marriage. I don't agree with it, but I think that the separation of Church and State should protect the Church's right to not officiate a marriage they do not support. I also understand why they feel the way they do. What I don't get is telling people who do support same sex marriage that they are not Christians! Can my support of same sex marriage really deny me salvation, redemption, resurrection, etc? Or even if I was gay would I be denied salvation? That is just ridiculous.I was hurt not personally but for my church and for the people arguing with them. I am ashamed to put my name on either group. I am in the Church. I vote for same sex marriage. I am ashamed of those in both groups who give either a bad name. You should all feel terrible about your lack of dignity and respect. 


I had to go read my Bible to feel better. I don't believe this is what Christ wanted. I just want to know that there is hope. I want to believe that the Church can serve the world while abstaining from it. Why oh why are we so scared of what is not ourselves? Or even more why are we so scared of ourselves? 


I don't even know how to engage in this conversation. With so many voices and so much hate, how do I do anything? Well I hate that thought. Why must I believe that in order to do something, I must do it on a grand scale? I don't have to be the leader in order to contribute? They don't have to be my words? I just don't know. 


I sound like such a hippie. 


This was the most depressing part of my day.

PS. Post break up win: I went to a wedding today and when the thought occurred to me that I would never stand up with the man I love and pledge my life to him because he doesn't want me, I pushed it away. It only took like 3 seconds. I didn't collapse this time like I usually do.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

It's actually past Midnight, but it is not yet 1am, so I think it still works.

I found an awesome blog today... I mean awesome. So I stayed up late to read it.  Lillian came home tonight though and will be waking me early to spend time with her, so I can't go into detail, but I think people should read it.  I know that we won't all love it, but I think we should all view as educational at least. Clearly we all know that I, with my liberal sensibilities, love it. Anyways, just had to share...

A New life... again.

I have this awful cycle in my life where I must continually start over and build a new life. I am so very tired of it. But facts must be faced and I must again start over. I have a lovely home, and my lovely friends and family, but other than that I need to build life all over again.

I need a new job. I got laid off from my wonderful new job that I posted about a few posts back. Laid off again. ugh.

I need a new car. I sold my car when my company got me a new car, which I had to give back when I was laid off. ugh.

I need a new boyfriend. I know this one isn't as essentially true. But I would like a family some day and I have decided it is well past time to realize that I have to put the last one out of my mind.

So here's my mission. I am very studious once I have goals. Extremely fastidious. I will be again. Right now.

Today's goals:
1. Work out: I find it easier to get men to like me when I weigh less. Some of that has to do with my confidence level (most of it actually) and some of it has to do with facts of life.
2. Clean my room and do laundry: I'm having a party on Saturday and this just has to be done. The rest of the house is ready, now I have to get ready.
3. Apply for 15 jobs. Yes 15. I also have to recreate my tracking list of job applications. I did this last time and had a job very quickly.
4. Apply for unemployment. I couldn't do this earlier so I'm doing it today.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 15 jobs.
3. Shop for Saturday's party.

Saturday's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 5 jobs (I get a weekend relaxation break.)
3. Clean the house one last time before the party.

That's enough goals for this moment. :)

Dating again...

So because my lovely wonderful ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, I started dating again. Am I ready to date again? The answer remains a resounding NO. Do I continue to date again anyway? Well Yes. Yes I do.

Being the overly intelligent woman I am, I decided to start dating again only two weeks after he broke up with me. The first guy I went out with was out for 1 thing and 1 thing only. I've rarely been treated less like a lady. I let him know that he was not for me immediately.

The second guy I went out with is super nice but we decided to be just friends. We get along well but we don't have any kind of chemistry and I find him a little annoying. However, he can be really cool to hang out with. So we hang out sometimes.

The third guy I went out with, I have been out with twice now. He really likes me. He is so very nice. He's funny and he thinks I'm hilarious. He's an architect. I should be thrilled.

But I'm not. I'm not thrilled and I feel terrible about it. He is really really cool, but I can tell he likes me way more than I like him. Mostly because I don't have any kind of feeling for him. Mostly because when I am out with anyone, I am wishing that it was Ananth sitting across from me instead of whoever I happen to be out with. I just sit there and continually force my thoughts away from him. And then I pray that all of that would go away. Hurray for being such a freaking sucker.

Can I just tell you that dating is so much work. Half the time I'm wishing I wasn't on a date and the other half of the time I'm thinking about getting my "I need attention" meter filled for the day. And this is what makes me such a terrible person.

I hate having to break things off with someone I don't even know. More though I hate that I feel like I need to be with someone. Ugh.

Okay I'm going to a Sounders game now. First Soccer game. Huzpas!