“Just when I’d stopped, opening doors
Finally knowing the one that I’d wanted was yours
Making my entrance again, with my usual flair,
Sure of my lines, no one is there.
Don’t you love farce? My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want
Sorry my dear
But where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns…
Don’t bother, they’re here.”
Today marks a good day. A good day, tentatively.
You must understand, this shouldn’t be a good day. I shouldn’t look at this day and think, “Now that’s a good day,” because this day really isn’t all that great, but considering the recent days, this day is actually good. Perspective changes all things, even good and bad.
Today I did a good job at work. I generally do that. But today it felt really great to be definitely good at something. I love that.
Today I went to the Social Security Administration and I was given every confidence that I am going to get what I want: Disability for my father. Coverage: medical and financial. And above all of that that I would retain control. I would be responsible for his finances, so he can’t whittle away his SSDI checks on things like alcohol and drugs. I can get him into a good apartment, even after he is out of the hospital, and the nursing facility. I can give him petty cash. I can make sure that everything is taken care of. Because I will have complete control, I will know that he is safe… that if his life goes wrong from here it is by no fault but his own.
Here’s the clincher. I will be financially responsible for my father… for the rest of his life.
I no longer know if I am strong enough for this. Perspective changes all things, even strength and weakness.
Saturday, Virgil got married. I still don’t want to marry him – even when I cried when he was happy with another woman. Bryce went to the wedding with me. I still don’t want to date him – even when I cried when he told me he wanted to be happy with another woman. I guess perspective doesn’t change everything.
I still want what I’ve always wanted. I want to fly away and find new worlds, and meet new people and build new bridges. I still want world peace. I still want my very own adventure that has nothing to do with taking care of people. Perspective has changed my time, my color, my life… but most certainly not my hope. And not my dreams.
So send in the clowns, because I plan to make a circus of this present graveyard.
Come with me… let’s be carnies.