Read the Bible

Today I was reading one of my favorite blogs, and checking out their facebook page and this led to this facebook event. I hate reading things like this. I don't care that people want to support Chick-fil-A's decision not to support same sex marriage. I totally understand and support the church's stand on marriage. I don't agree with it, but I think that the separation of Church and State should protect the Church's right to not officiate a marriage they do not support. I also understand why they feel the way they do. What I don't get is telling people who do support same sex marriage that they are not Christians! Can my support of same sex marriage really deny me salvation, redemption, resurrection, etc? Or even if I was gay would I be denied salvation? That is just ridiculous.I was hurt not personally but for my church and for the people arguing with them. I am ashamed to put my name on either group. I am in the Church. I vote for same sex marriage. I am ashamed of those in both groups who give either a bad name. You should all feel terrible about your lack of dignity and respect. 


I had to go read my Bible to feel better. I don't believe this is what Christ wanted. I just want to know that there is hope. I want to believe that the Church can serve the world while abstaining from it. Why oh why are we so scared of what is not ourselves? Or even more why are we so scared of ourselves? 


I don't even know how to engage in this conversation. With so many voices and so much hate, how do I do anything? Well I hate that thought. Why must I believe that in order to do something, I must do it on a grand scale? I don't have to be the leader in order to contribute? They don't have to be my words? I just don't know. 


I sound like such a hippie. 


This was the most depressing part of my day.

PS. Post break up win: I went to a wedding today and when the thought occurred to me that I would never stand up with the man I love and pledge my life to him because he doesn't want me, I pushed it away. It only took like 3 seconds. I didn't collapse this time like I usually do.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

It's actually past Midnight, but it is not yet 1am, so I think it still works.

I found an awesome blog today... I mean awesome. So I stayed up late to read it.  Lillian came home tonight though and will be waking me early to spend time with her, so I can't go into detail, but I think people should read it.  I know that we won't all love it, but I think we should all view as educational at least. Clearly we all know that I, with my liberal sensibilities, love it. Anyways, just had to share...

A New life... again.

I have this awful cycle in my life where I must continually start over and build a new life. I am so very tired of it. But facts must be faced and I must again start over. I have a lovely home, and my lovely friends and family, but other than that I need to build life all over again.

I need a new job. I got laid off from my wonderful new job that I posted about a few posts back. Laid off again. ugh.

I need a new car. I sold my car when my company got me a new car, which I had to give back when I was laid off. ugh.

I need a new boyfriend. I know this one isn't as essentially true. But I would like a family some day and I have decided it is well past time to realize that I have to put the last one out of my mind.

So here's my mission. I am very studious once I have goals. Extremely fastidious. I will be again. Right now.

Today's goals:
1. Work out: I find it easier to get men to like me when I weigh less. Some of that has to do with my confidence level (most of it actually) and some of it has to do with facts of life.
2. Clean my room and do laundry: I'm having a party on Saturday and this just has to be done. The rest of the house is ready, now I have to get ready.
3. Apply for 15 jobs. Yes 15. I also have to recreate my tracking list of job applications. I did this last time and had a job very quickly.
4. Apply for unemployment. I couldn't do this earlier so I'm doing it today.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 15 jobs.
3. Shop for Saturday's party.

Saturday's goals:
1. Work out.
2. Apply for 5 jobs (I get a weekend relaxation break.)
3. Clean the house one last time before the party.

That's enough goals for this moment. :)

Dating again...

So because my lovely wonderful ex boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago, I started dating again. Am I ready to date again? The answer remains a resounding NO. Do I continue to date again anyway? Well Yes. Yes I do.

Being the overly intelligent woman I am, I decided to start dating again only two weeks after he broke up with me. The first guy I went out with was out for 1 thing and 1 thing only. I've rarely been treated less like a lady. I let him know that he was not for me immediately.

The second guy I went out with is super nice but we decided to be just friends. We get along well but we don't have any kind of chemistry and I find him a little annoying. However, he can be really cool to hang out with. So we hang out sometimes.

The third guy I went out with, I have been out with twice now. He really likes me. He is so very nice. He's funny and he thinks I'm hilarious. He's an architect. I should be thrilled.

But I'm not. I'm not thrilled and I feel terrible about it. He is really really cool, but I can tell he likes me way more than I like him. Mostly because I don't have any kind of feeling for him. Mostly because when I am out with anyone, I am wishing that it was Ananth sitting across from me instead of whoever I happen to be out with. I just sit there and continually force my thoughts away from him. And then I pray that all of that would go away. Hurray for being such a freaking sucker.

Can I just tell you that dating is so much work. Half the time I'm wishing I wasn't on a date and the other half of the time I'm thinking about getting my "I need attention" meter filled for the day. And this is what makes me such a terrible person.

I hate having to break things off with someone I don't even know. More though I hate that I feel like I need to be with someone. Ugh.

Okay I'm going to a Sounders game now. First Soccer game. Huzpas!

My Christian Heritage

This post could go in so many positive directions, but instead it will likely scream of doom and gloom. You see, I've found in the last month as I have wondered lonely and hopeless through the dark that I have a heritage passed down to me through generations... one I'm not entirely proud of.

Here are some things that bother me about the Christian Culture in which I was raised:

1. The expectation that I should and would marry young
2. The expectation that trials and tribulations later result in the Grace of God and much happiness.
3. The expectation that when we say "God works all things for the good of those who love Him", what we really mean is that even when bad things happen, later something nice will happen that will make those bad things make sense.
4. The fear of worshiping God or being mindfully in His presence when I have not spent conscious time confessing my sins and seeking forgiveness.
5. The horrible tension between the idea that it is my choice to love and follow Him, but that in all reality He is in control of everything. If we follow the implications of these two separate doctrine's to their ends, God ends up looking like a jerk in both circumstances.
6. The fact that I have to shut my mind off at a certain point in my theological study in order to not get really mad at Him.
7. The absolute desire for a simple unquestioning faith so that I can have a little peace from Him for a while.
8. The necessity of my heart and soul to seek Him whenever life goes to pot and to praise Him when things are joyously fantastic. And the tendency of complacency in between... and frustration with that complacency.


I have this overwhelming desire to teach God things. I do. As much as I've never wanted to be a teacher or a speaker, I must admit at some point that these are my natural gifts. The problem is that list up there. I can't say these things inside the church (at least the lay church) and not scare people... I mean I can say those things, but not their logical ends. Not the things that I really want to talk about like how religions develop... like how ours developed... like how that should affect our understanding of truth throughout the centuries... like how no matter how I dice it, God ends up being responsible for sin and pain and death. I wish I wasn't so limited. I feel that He gave me enough of a brain and conscience and love and heart and something that I can see that He is more than the box I originally made for him...so much more, but not enough of all of those things to really understand the implications of Him living outside of my box. I don't want to want to punch Him in the face anymore. I would really like proof that He cares about me as an individual and not just as one of the bunch of us humans that He came to save and give life to in the first place. Signs and Miracles. How weak I am.

So how do I teach, when I'm not sure what to believe? How do I bind myself to a congregation when I am too afraid of myself to get close to them... because every time I let them all in I end up hurting people and they me and I know that's relationship... but I promise this is worse than normal.

Confession: Ananth is so very gone from my life. I miss him. And I want to understand why that relationship happened if not for love. I still hurt, but I accept that it is over. A lot of my frustration with God has to do with not letting me have that life... and with His unwillingness to provide me with a new future now that that one is gone.

Okay that's all. I have to go give a presentation now.

Getting Better and Getting Worse

I'm getting better. I'm not as heartsick. I'm still sad and I have no idea how to really make plans for a future, but I don't feel like dying anymore. I'm upset to be brokenhearted over something so very not my fault. I'm frustrated with myself for falling in love so easily and yet proud of myself at the same time. My next goal is to find a new future for myself. And to imagine the possibility of love again. And to not miss him so much.

My sister in law's mother, however, is getting worse. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few months ago and things are not yet the miraculous better that I prayed for. There is still so much hope and some time and now it is my prayer that no matter how this concludes or when, that it will conclude with peace and love.

Ah life... you were so good to me in 2011. Here's to making the best of the worst.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand apples.

I am not okay

On Monday I was dumped for the first time in my life by a man I was very much in love with. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I was looking forward to having his children. I wanted to be his forever.

And now I am not okay. This hurts so much more than death. This is the worst part of life. I know that some day I will be better, but I have no idea when someday will be. I keep praying that it could please be today.