Cancer Rant

Facebook has it's pros and cons. One con that typically pisses me off is the status posting in which people try to repost statuses (stati?) for certain causes.

For Example: All of us have thousands of wishes. To be thinner, to be bigger, have more money, have a cool car, a day off, a new phone, to date the person of your dreams. A cancer patient only has one wish, to kick cancer's ass. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honor of someone who died or is fighting cancer, or even had cancer, please repost


May I just say this: Cancer does not make other wishes and dreams go away. It's not like the minute you get cancer your life goals and hopes go out the window. Or like Cancer Patients cease to be people and suddenly only live the life of Cancer. I want to post a rebuttal, but am not witty enough to say all of this in a couple of lines of text that will somehow shut up the people that just want to post and repost about how they know someone who has cancer and wishes they could beat it. 


On that note, two new polyps showed up in daddy's stomach. The testing shows that they are benign, but we are supposed to keep watching them over time. I'm not worried. I mean, this is really no big deal... just some bumps that aren't going to grow and damage him. But, there are moments when I think it's all got to come back eventually. Other moments I just think the post cancer care will be a part of my life forever and ever. That is almost as depressing. 


Mom is doing well. It's almost like she doesn't have cancer, except that I worry about her all the time. And the part where she needs to spend my wedding money on things like paying cancer bills. I wish I could just find a way to make all of the family take care of each other. If only their lives weren't so important and I could just manage the lives of everyone. I am pretty sure we would all be happy with the outcome. 


Alas. I can't fix any of this. 

Communication Station

Communicating has its difficult and easy moments for me. I think for most people. I am really good at communicating when I have boundaries and expectations. I get really bad at communicating when I don't.

For example, I am perfectly fine not talking to someone if I know that we aren't going to talk that day. However, if I think we are going to talk, and we don't, I get very emotional very very fast.

It's kind of ridiculous really, because although my head is saying to me, "Rebecca, this is not a big deal. Really, there are so many rational explanations. This does not mean you are not wanted or unimportant." my heart is saying to me, "You are entirely rejected and unwanted. Run and hide now before this hurts even more than it already does. GO NOW!!!"  So I sit and cry and laugh at myself at the same time, and try to make myself breath, although breathing, much like drinking water when I need to vomit, only makes matters worse.

This week has been a practice in figuring out my side of communication needs.

I need:
to know when we aren't going to talk and why
to know what style of communication (email, gchat, in person, phone, etc) is acceptable for which conversations
to remember that my needs are okay and not always ridiculous
to know that needing does not make me needy

In a "Love Languages" perspective, I am very much a Quality Time and a Words of Encouragement person. I love presents, but only because they are surprises and I naturally love surprise, but for me it's really about being known, and I don't often believe you can know me without tons of experience (time) and then I won't know that you know me unless you tell me (words). I feel silly most of the time admitting that. But it's true.

I think a lot of my insecurity surrounding communication and needing links back to my abandonment issues. My dad left when I was so young, and in a much different and yet startlingly related sense, my own dear and lovely mother abandoned me right after high school. Waiting for someone to show up always brings up the picture of me, somewhere around 10, sitting on the couch in front of our living room window, facing the street in front of our house. I would kneel backwards on the couch so I could see the street and every car that went by. There I would stay all day and far into the evening waiting for my father to show up... he would call, and I would have the phone there next to me so I wouldn't have to move to answer it. Again and again he would say, "I'll be there soon, baby." And again and again I would believe him. And again and again he would not come. And my heart would break again and again.

It's hard for that little girl in my head, sitting on the couch, waiting for you, to remember that if you don't show up, you aren't abandoning me. It's a hard lesson every single time I have to relearn it. And lately I am relearning it with alarming rapidity.

So tonight I am going out with a special girlie who always has the knack of making me happy again, and I'm going to forget about communication for a while.

Falling in and out of love

I am falling out of love with my job. It's an enlightening experience regarding love in general. I still recognize all of the things I love about my job, but the things I hate cloud my vision all of the time and take away all of my motivation to continue to build any sort of life for myself here. I want a new job, not because I hate what I do, but because I want a fresh breath. I want to feel revitalized. I want to believe in people again.

I am, however, not falling out of love with love. I am falling in love with love. I cannot say that I love my boyfriend, because I'm not there yet, but I can tell you that I am falling in love with falling in love. I know that my feelings for him are growing and I adore this process. Even the hard days like today, when all I want is to talk to him about a pressing issue which he has clearly said we will not talk about until we are together tomorrow instead of talking about it on the phone or gchat today, which I would prefer just to get it out of the way and off of my list of things to worry about. Even then, I still know that I love falling for him. I love that every time I close my browser and see his face on my background, I smile because I just adore him.

See:

I am also falling in love with the process of figuring out what I am going to do with myself when he starts residency. Right now, the only thing to do is to start school again. Grad school? Maybe... right now I just want to take a class or two and just figure out where I want to be. What do I want to study. Right now I know that I want to be in Grad School in the next two years. Right now, I don't think I want to leave Seattle, but maybe I will change my mind. So I'm looking at summer classes and fall classes that I can take in the evening to start making up my mind about my future. Without Grandpa here to tell me his opinion, I have a lot of work to do to figure out what I want and who I am.

But love is there... to lift us up where we belong. or something like that.

Things you should know...

There are people I truly admire from afar. I don't talk about them, but I web stalk them like there is no tomorrow. For example, there is a Ms.Umberdove, whom I really think everyone should try to emulate. Not only is she gorgeous, and ridiculously brave, she is conscientious and fastidious and really a whole lot of fun. She makes things. And she made me two things that sit on my bed, adorning my lovely creamy bed spread with just the right hints of blue that tie so nicely to the painting that hangs above. And all I had to do was tell her a color and off she went to create majesty. Really... you should know her. The point, though, in telling you about her was because she is making some really remarkable things right now... which you should totally check out at her blog. Right now.

I have discovered that I am a cheesy girl that loves romance. Which is rather surprising. And I love to cuddle and be held... again surprising. I haven't liked these things before, but now... oh now.... they seem like special treats to be so very dearly treasured. And may I just tell you that being asked out on a date by your boyfriend is so much more exciting than I ever thought it would be.

Likewise, I have decided that this whole loss of identity thing when Grandpa died, is still with me. I mean, I guess I've just recognized it again. Still I want him here. I want him to see and know me again. I want his input on my life and his blessing on my decisions. I want to hear his voice call me "Baby" just one more time. I wasn't ready, am not ready, to get over this... still.

Rest is hard to come by and when it comes I am having the most difficult time turning it down. I don't know exactly what to do about that because I find myself not accomplishing as much these days because I am reveling in my alone time, in my down time, in my reading time, in any time I can have to do as I choose. I don't know why this is. Usually I am so super motivated to do everything I need to do in order fulfill not only my social obligations but also my social desires... but lately... I'm just not.

So that's all for today. Again... Check out the Umberdove.... at www.umberdove.com

Practically Peaceful

It's been a week since I last saw my boyfriend, or Scrubs, as we are now supposed to be calling him. A week was supposed to be easy. And it wasn't terribly difficult, but it is now, 36 hours before I will actually see him, wretched. I'm a little frustrated with myself.

I am a fairly independent person. I did singleness very very well... and I liked it, A LOT! I thought a week would be like peanut butter and jelly, a great way to nourish my soul without being difficult to prepare for. I was wrong.

On Thursday we got good news. Scrubs will be staying in Seattle for his residency. See there was chance that he would get into a hospital program somewhere far away (or close by but still not Seattle). I was ready for that, for the possibility of long distance or of moving. But somehow having him stay is just as hard. Now I know he will be here, but I still won't be able to see him. And then I realize I still have my own life to live.

See, I really like this guy. He looks good on me. He suits me. And so a big part of me wants to let him consume my life. But that can't happen, either practically or rationally. I have to have my own life, because he has to have his own life. Residency will be long and hard. But also, I need to maintain my independence, because I've been swallowed by a relationship before, and by the time I discovered it, the only way I knew to fix it was to get out. And I don't want to do that this time.

So I am working on continuing to live my life. This means that I have to continue to find change. I have to continue to look for a new job and apply and find my own happiness, because even though I find immense happiness in Scrubs, he won't often be around. So I still have a life to build, and ironically, more impetus to actually build it.

This is a wonderful Sunday Morning Exultation. The sun is shining, my heart is beaming, and I get to go see my sister. My life is waiting for me outside that door. And tomorrow when I finally see this wonderful man, I will be happy to see him because he is him, and not because he is me. And that just so totally rocks.

For reals

Dating for reals is so very different than dating for fun. It's way more fun... but it takes SO much more energy. Feeling this much this often might eventually drive me crazy.

I'm feeling less afraid. Still nervous often and still often scared, but so much less so. I just have to keep breathing and keep processing. It's a lot of work. I can't believe how much more sleep I need now. It's a little ridiculous.

But this guy is pretty great. Lillian chose his name. Scrubs. Cause then he has a theme song, "I'm no Superman..." and because he is a doctor. He's a doctor. I like that part.

I still don't know what I'm doing with someone so much more emotionally advanced than I am. We don't match. From the outside I look good. I dress well, I am overly confident, I have it all. He is quiet and serious and a complete nerd. But on the inside I am huge mess and fall apart all over the place. I'm not well put together or confident at all. He is all put together and knows exactly what he is doing. On the inside he's the cool kid and I am the shy and quiet nerd.

It's a little surreal. Cause I have a boyfriend. And I like him a lot.

Well I guess I did it...

Terrifyingly enough I met a boy and we are something. I don't know exactly what we are, because I don't care much for labels and so until he labels it, I'm certainly not going to. Even typing this makes me feel sick to my stomach with fear and joy.

So Boy is wonderful. Exactly as wonderful as I knew he would be. But I am terrified. And I'm going to have to tell him. And should I even be blogging about this since he may find my blog? Probably not, but oh well because let's face it, I blog about everything. Mostly, I think I am just afraid of being that person again... like I was with Andrew. The one who eats and destroys the souls of men who love her... yeah that one. I don't want to get so afraid of him becoming a part of me that I push him away. I need to CALM DOWN REBECCA! Geez. And I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Mostly, I am absolutely certain that if I am just honest with him he will make it ok. He is fabulous and I have no doubt that if I can just get over myself, calm down, and talk to him, that he will impress me yet again.

So the whole point of the post (it has rabbit trailed so so far) was to say that I was worried in not too distant posts that I wasn't capable of a relationship, but I think that's what this might be. I am proud of myself, even if it hasn't been that long. It really is scary, but he really is great.

Also, I very much need to come up with his internet name. I don't know if I'm just not feeling creative or if it just hasn't come yet. Boy is obviously not going to work. I'm going to need something more substantial.

Oh and I just remembered this. Julie asked me today, if this is what I wanted for just today. And this is absolutely what I want for today.